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The timing was perfect! Last week, when the car I was driving malfunctioned far from home, I had just begun to read a book on resilience. Bouncing Back, by Linda Graham explains how we develop the capacity to deal with setbacks and how we can improve our skills with conscious effort. I used that book to review my response to a dying car. Graham lists five components of dealing successfully with unexpected change. They all begin with "C."
Calm. As babies, we respond to any threat with alarm. Over time, we learn to postpone the panic, allowing the rational mind to time to evaluate the situation. Forty years ago and 15 miles from home, my Mazda began to screech and clank. Dash lights blinked. My panicky inner child headed for home. The empty engine froze before we arrived. Last week , I overcame the urge to deny reality and head for cover. I stopped, breathed deeply, and stalled for time. I demonstrated that had learned new coping habits from past experience.
Clarity. Panic scrambles our judgment like static on a receiver. Life lessons teach us to scan the options carefully for an appropriate response. Last week my mind went blank at first, then I walked around the car and opened the hood. Slowly I searched my mind for realistic options and arranged them in order.
Connection. We are born hardwired to ask for help; the infant cries when something goes wrong. We are also programmed for increasing autonomy with age. In an emergency, we ask, "What can I do for myself? Do I need help? How do I find it?" By lifting the hood, I signaled a need for help. A fellow traveler offered to follow my slow trip to town, protecting me from traffic and helping to find a mechanic.
Competence. I had no illusions about repairing my own car, and was competent to realize the need for help. I also noticed the OPEN sign on a visitor center (where they pointed me to a garage). When it was clear that the car would be staying, I knew how to use a smartphone to search for and arrange alternative transportation.
Courage. It took courage to ask for help. Initially, I avoided eye contact with the kind man at the rest stop; I could see him debating whether to get involved. It was hard to leave my car in a small town, trusting that their mechanics would have the expertise to figure out and fix the problem. I had to think twice before trusting a stranger to drive me home.
The five Cs of resilience offer a convenient checklist in times of stress. They offer a useful outline for preparing to deal with setbacks. It is reassuring to know that our brains are designed to handle setbacks, and also to know that we can consciously improve our skills.
How well do you deal with emergencies? Would you like to grow stronger skills before the next time?
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