Are some things unforgivable?  Have you heard incredulous stories about parents forgiving the person that murdered their child?  Could you forgive your loved one who's been caught cheating?

"I forgive you."  These are three hard to say words for many of us.  Much of the time they are a sham and only uttered with a fake smile to appease others, appear kind or to try to "make peace".  They go hand-in-hand with "I'm sorry" (not really).  The unspoken words following "I forgive you" is always "but I'll never forget."  In many relationships, the next line is "I will bring up the topic in the future whenever I darn well feel like it and there's nothing you can do about it, so there."(1)   

Many people take a strong stance that some things should not be tolerated, lines that should never be crossed, like marriage infidelity.  Lots of people did armchair quarterbacking with the decisions of the political wives Hillary Clinton, Silda Spitzer, and Elizabeth Edwards and the rest. They might have been right with thirty-one percent of marriages lasting after an affair has been admitted to or discovered.

So how difficult is it to "forgive and forget?"  Most of us find forgetting nearly impossible," says Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Hope College. "Forgiveness does not involve a literal forgetting. Forgiveness involves remembering graciously. The forgiver remembers the true, though painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjectives and adverbs that stir up contempt."(2)

Notice how much of your mental energy and time is devoted to plotting revenge or ruminating about how you've been wronged.  Research shows that unforgiving people tend to be hateful, angry and hostile, making them anxious, depressed and neurotic.  Conversely, forgiving people are happier, healthier and more empathetic. It's fair to say that we cannot go through life with other humans without experiencing hurt, betrayal or loss.  But, knowing that there are some things you can do to improve your mental (and physical) health is critical to move forward and raise the happiness bar. 

Everett L. Worthington Jr., PhD, (3) suggests a 5-step program called REACH, with each letter representing one step. "First you recall the hurt objectively, without blame and self-victimization," Worthington says. "Then you empathize by trying to imagine the viewpoint of the person who wronged you. The altruistic part involves getting people to think about a time they were forgiven and how that felt. When it's time to commit to forgiveness, people usually say, not yet, but when they finally do, they must then hold on to forgiveness."

There is a lot written on this subject and I found a lot of information like at one of my go-to sites:  Greater Good out of UC Berkeley.  Enjoy their site at www.greatergood.org.  Can you think of a hurt, anger or resentment that is would benefit by your forgiveness?  Are you ready to do something about it? 

(1)   http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html.  There's a bunch of interesting stats here as well. 

(2) http://www.webmd.com/balance/guide/forgive-forget 

(3) Professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University and the author of Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Applications,

(Recycled, again, because I think this topic is always timely and pertinent.)