If you're like me, this causes a level of anxiety about what to say.  It's a given that small talk about the weather and the Giants is not going to cut it.  This person may be scared, in pain, overwhelmed and frustrated.  But fear no more, there's a book!  Letty Cottin Pogrebin's* How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who's Sick offers: "Through no fault of their own, the unwell have a way of making the well uneasy, causing visitors who are unpracticed in the bedside arts to botch the encounter due to awkwardness, misinterpretation or ignorance."  Isn't that true?

With the best of intentions, it's easy to blurt out something inappropriate or downright horrible.  After hearing from a friend with bad news, there's nothing worse than hanging up the phone and thinking "stupid, stupid, stupid, why'd you say that, what an ass". It's normal to be tongue-tied or nervous for a lot of reasons.  Your friend may look bad or be in pain. Medical jargon or information is confusing to everyone and the prognosis (or even the diagnosis) may not be clear.  You may not be very close to this person and details of one's illness can be intimate.  

So, what should we do/say?  The silent path, although highly impractical, is always attractive by remembering that a closed mouth gathers no feet.  Simply asking "How are you?" feels natural and easy, but when the reply is  "I'm fine" you're going to have to say "no really, how are you?" and then there's a back-and-forth--"no really, I'm fine."

Ms. Pogrebin has lots of anecdotes and examples on what works and what to avoid.  Instead of asking "let me know if there's anything I can do," be more proactive  Say "what can I do for you" or more specific: "Can I bring you a chocolate or vanilla milkshake?".  The latter choice establishes that you're bringing something without the patient having to ask. If they don't want a milkshake at all, it allows you to ask, "what sounds good?".

Asking specific questions, opens the door for the patient to talk, like "tell me about the procedure" or "where does it hurt?".  The author definitely suggests honesty.  Avoid relating your illness stories, assuming they'll be the same for your friend.  It's not helpful to blurt out, "oh, I had a biopsy last year and it was nothing, super easy, no pain".  Your friend may have an different procedure and experience than you. If your friend is dying, it's not helpful to offer "miracles do happen" or "keep up the fight."

Here are some lines that sick people said they do want to hear:

"I'm so sorry this happened to you."

"Tell me how I can help."

"I'm here if you want to talk."

"Just give me my marching orders."

"That sounds awful; I can't even imagine the pain."

"I'm bringing dinner."

"You must be desperate for some quiet time.  I'll take the kids on Saturday."  

Thanks to Ms. Pogrebin, I am feeling more confident if I have to visit or interact with a someone who's ill.  I hope you do too.