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The Adoptive Parent Bulletin is sent to all adoptive parents from the time of their intake interview until two years after their most recent placement.  

If you would like to extend your subscription, please contact Marketing and Development Director Sally Shuey at 503-226-4870 or sally@openadopt.org.

• On April 17, 2012, Bill Eisele and Rob Fredericksen welcomed their daughter Renee Ahyoka Fredericksen-Eisele into the world.  Bill and Rob chose the middle name Ahyoka to honor the Cherokee heritage shared by Renee and her birthmother.  Bill and Rob have enjoyed being able to spend the past several months getting to know the birthmother, her mother, and family. They have connected over their shared love of art, and have built a bond that will last a lifetime. They are fortunate to have been able to be present for many significant moments of the pregnancy and birth.  Bill and Rob look forward to deepening their relationship in coming years. 

• Jennifer Snider and Erin Kimrey from North Carolina were happy to receive the call that an expectant mother wanted to meet with them, but quite shocked when twelve hours later they were called again to be told she was in labor and wanted them at the birth. Due to their quick thinking and planning they made it to Portland an hour before their son, Mateo Carter Snider-Kimrey came into the world on April 18, 2012.  Jen and Erin spent the next two weeks in Portland developing a loving and respectful connection to Sage, Mateo's birthmother and his birthfather. Mateo, Jen and Erin were able to meet many extended birth family members and appreciated this wonderful, rich time they all had together. They know that, despite the distance they will have a strong relationship and already have numerous trips planned both in the east and west. Mateo was able to feel the love of so many people and has a beautiful beginning to his adoption and life story.

• Alice and Chuck Dyer of Hermiston Oregon were at the hospital when their daughter Desirae Isabella was born on May 1, 2012.  In fact, Alice was with the birthmother throughout her induced labor encouraging her for the long 30 hours before Desirae entered the world.  In addition, Alice stayed through the second night to support the birthmother and help in Desirae's care after the birth.  These hours spent together provided a perfect opportunity to bond and build a strong foundation for a lifelong relationship.   The entrustment ceremony included a blessing of Desirae by the pastor who introduced the adoptive parents to the birthmother.  The Dyers had told him of their desire to adopt another child just days before the birthmother told him of her wish to find a family for her baby due in two months.   

• On May 10, 2012, Myrna Yoder and Karl Kesel of Portland, Oregon, were chosen by birthparents, Matthew and Isabel, who had delivered Isaac Aiden, a beautiful baby boy that very day. In the hospital, everyone circled around Isaac and shared stories about their lives, relationships, families, and hopes for the future. The energy in the room was refreshing, relaxed, and sprinkled with tears and laughter, and since that time Isaac has been surrounded by the warmth and glow of everyone's love.     

• Cheryl Cassaday and Mark Short's son William "Liam" Marcus Short was born on May 10.  Cheryl and Mark felt fortunate to be able to witness his birth and to share in the hospital experience with Rebecca, Liam's birthmother.  They have spent several months getting to know Rebecca and her fiancé Lucas.  During this time, they have been able to learn about each other's lives and personal interests.  Thanks to Rebecca, Cheryl and Mark have been introduced to the world of Roller Derby!  They have developed a deep and meaningful relationship and their lives are forever changed.  They look forward to building new memories in the coming years and, of course, many more Roller Derby matches!

A Time to Reflect and Connect:

Birthmothers' Retreat 2012

Jan Jamieson & Courtney Gray

The Annual Birthmother's Retreat is an event put on by OA&FS each year for birthmothers to meet face-to-face. They spend a day getting to  know one another, telling stories, sharing challenges and offering support. For many birthmothers, this event serves as a break from their daily lives, a chance to surround themselves with other women who really "get" the experience like no one else can, and a safe time and place to reflect on their journey and how far they've come.

The agenda typically flows through large and small group discussions, a craft activity, lunch together, and sometimes even 'pampering' additions, like yoga with an instructor, massages from a licensed massage therapist, etc. This year, retreats were held in Eugene and Portland on May 12th, also known as Birthmother's Day, with a total of 22 women attending. The theme at both retreats was "open adoption over time," and women used it to reflect on the many ways their open adoption and the parties involved have grown or changed.

Every year OA&FS Counselors work hard to plan a great event, and every year we're reminded that the women who attend, and the support, advice, listening, and encouragement they provide to each other, are what truly make it an amazing experience. As one birthmother from the Portland retreat explained, "meeting other moms who have succeeded in their experience, and talking to women who've lived your sacrifice and honor you for it is a great gift." A Eugene attendee also shared, "I feel a little bit like a graduate now. I remember what it was like to come here just a few months after I had placed my daughter and how hard that was. My daughter is four years old now and it feels good to be able to support these women who have just placed. I am going to try and come every year."

Thank you to all of the amazing birthmom attendees! Thanks as well to the many people whose contributions made this event possible: to the many adoptive parents who made financial donations, to adoptive father Jeffrey Lee and Nike for their in-kind donation of yoga mats, and to Joleen Wampler, licensed massage therapist from Hood River, OR who provided free massages to Portland attendees. Thank you also to Sierra, massage therapy student and Jody Green, licensed massage therapist, for your amazing massages in Eugene. You are all deeply appreciated! Without your participation this opportunity to connect, share and grow would not exist.  View retreat photos. 

Honoring Birthfathers June 18

The OA&FS Counselors are excited to announce Birthfathers' gatherings for 2012! Birthfathers that have been involved in OA&FS placements are invited to come to a pizza party on the evening of Monday, June 18.   

Portland

Lucky Lab Brew Pub

915 Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard

Adoption Tax Credit Bill Introduced in the U.S. House

On April 17, 2012, Rep. Bruce Braley (D-IA) introduced the Making Adoption Affordable Act. The act will permanently expand the federal adoption tax credit to $13,360, an increase of $1,000 over the current credit, and make it refundable. The current adoption tax credit is set to expire at the end of 2012. Congressman Braley's bill is the first step toward ensuring that the adoption tax credit continues to be an option to help families offset the high cost of adoption. Contact your congressperson and let them know about your support of this bill. Get Representative contact information. Read full text of the "Making Adoption Affordable" Act.

Coping with the Wait

Shari Levine, M.A.

Waiting in the pool is emotionally challenging.  I know this, not only because I've watched hundreds of hopeful parents take the plunge over the years, but because I spent time treading water there myself.  The wait is undeniably difficult. It triggers the loss of not being able to create our family easily or quickly, like many of the friends and relatives that surround us. It brings up feelings of jealousy, unfairness and hopelessness. After spending a lifetime mastering the art of achieving our goals by applying our well-honed qualities of determination, persistence and tenacity, we find ourselves in an arena in which the goal eludes us. We can't control how quickly we are chosen, and that's frustrating. But we can affect our experience as we wait; we are in complete control of that. Let's start with coping with all of those underlying feelings so they don't negatively impact our parenting and open adoption experience. Robin Rose shares some words of wisdom. The following was adapted from her blog.

Often during a loss, people are told to 'be strong' and 'be positive', and they may take this advice as a suggestion to cover their grief with a smile & positive attitude and avoid experiencing it. But it's critically important to allow ourselves and others to feel the loss and grieve. There is a saying (and book titled), "feelings buried alive never die". Sadness never honored and grief avoided don't just go away. They transform into anxiety, depression, anger, bitterness, chronic pain and illness. It is critical for our emotional, mental and physical health that we allow the feelings that loss and change bring up in us.

Why do we tend to avoid the process of grief? The normal range of feelings that accompany loss can be uncomfortable. No one likes feeling this discomfort. People are tempted to deny the feelings, cover them up (with alcohol, food, high drama conversations, etc.) or simply ignore them (this is called experiential avoidance).

Each person's experience of loss is unique. However there are some common feelings and symptoms often experienced by those who are grieving. These include:  

• Sadness
• Betrayal
• Anxiety
• Fear
• Mistrust
• Irritability
• Guilt
• Anger
• Tension
• Depression
• Resentment
• Loss of confidence

Grieving people often develop physical symptoms such as:  

• Abdominal pain
• Headaches
• Insomnia
• Fatigue
• Changes in appetite
• Increased alcohol use
• Restlessness
• Absentmindedness
• Poor concentration

These emotions and symptoms of grief can significantly impact a person's ability to function. When you experience this, remind yourselves, and each other, that you are moving through the normal, yet uncomfortable, stages of grief. This is a good time to increase your self-care and wellness activities, including:  

• Time with friends
• Counseling
• Read poetry or books
• Humor and laughter
• Engage in social activities
• Exercise - even if it's 10 minutes
• Get outside - Spend time in nature or with a favorite hobby
• Plenty of sleep
• Stay hydrated
• Eat healthy, good foods
• Seek spiritual support
• Take time to relax
• Join a support group
• Listen to music
• Be patient with yourself
• Let yourself feel grief
• Cry when you need to cry
• Feel sad when you need to feel sad - remember to breathe as you have these important and honorable feelings

When we take the long view in adoption, it's clear that the time in the pool, albeit difficult, is also deeply worthwhile. It gives us the opportunity to cope with the inherent loss and prepare ourselves fully for the journey ahead as parents. For me, the wait was followed by the adoption of my beautiful daughter, Adrienne. Her birthmom was so excited to have found us; we were exactly what she was looking for. My open adoption experience has been full of joy, laughter, growth and the deepest love I've ever known. The wait was a part of that. It taught me that control is really an illusion, and when I let go of that need to control, I can be fully present for all of the wonderful relationships and experiences that are abundant all around me.