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Do you suffer from sexual anesthesia?
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August 2009
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| Dear ,
This month I am focusing on how and why people lose interest in sexual activity with either their partners or themselves. See what you think of what I tell the couple who stopped having sex and consider writing a comment about it at www.365gay.com under my article. I am always listening to feedback and helpful ideas and comments.
Next I invite you to join my professional Facebook page. I hope to create a lively discussion on all the issues I address within my psychotherapy and coaching practice.
And finally, I have just finished reading a book by Brett Kahr called, Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies, which I believe you will both enjoy and learn a lot from. Our sexual fantasies are the window into who we are as people. I have talked about this very thing in my book for gay men, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love in a chapter I called, "Sexual Shadow".
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 Ask the Expert: "Why did we stop having sex?"
I came out only five years ago, after being in an 11-year heterosexual relationship where toward the end, the sex stopped cold. For me, obviously it never felt satisfying. Since coming out, I've learned to really enjoy being gay and being sexual with other men-especially with my partner, since I love him so much.
He and I have been together for four years. Over time, our sexual activity has steadily decreased to the point where now we haven't had sex in nine months. I've discussed this with him on numerous occasions. His answer is always, "Mentally, I'm just not into sex right now." Since we met, he's had a lot of issues. His father's sudden death was hard on him, and he hasn't worked in three years. His trying to build a business is taking much longer than we hoped. I can't help feeling he's not attracted to me anymore because I've put on a lot of weight since we got together. But he says that's not it, and when we do fool around, he's physically aroused (hard to hide that!). He just doesn't feel the desire to consummate the act. Since I'm very sexual, this lack of intimacy has put a real strain on our relationship. I'm not looking to cheat on him, but it's very frustrating. He's not seeing a therapist and says he's working on the problem in his own way. We have other issues, and our relationship has been a real emotional rollercoaster. I'm just not sure what to do.
-Asexual in Claremont, CA
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Ask the Expert: "Am I too old to find love?"
I'm 58 and have never had a lover, though I've always dreamed of having one. Surely I must be doing something wrong? But I feel I've waited too long, and that today's gay culture won't now be interested in an old guy. It seems that "attractive" and "successful" are the only attributes anyone cares about. Am I unique in this search? I live alone, have no relatives and few friends-most of them straight and most of them only at work.
- Singled-In in Spartanburg
If you would like to read and comment on my response Answer to "Am I Too Old To Find Love?" |
Book Recommendation!!
Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies
by Brett Kahr by Basic Books
Paperback
List Price:
$18.00
Our Price:
$6.59
Buy Now
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Sexual
Anorexia: Not a Common Term
Anorexic usually describes people with an eating disorder who can literally
starve themselves to death. Logically, but incorrectly, many people assume that
"sexual anorexia" means erotic starvation, or depriving oneself of
sexual pleasure.
In his book, Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred, Patrick Carnes
writes about it as a disorder that parallels sexual addiction (a term that he popularized) and compulsivity. Sexual anorexia he describes as "an obsessive
state in which the physical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates
one's life." The sufferer is obsessed with avoiding sex and finds it
repulsive-which is wholly different from having a low libido or being simply
not interested in sex.
Sexual Anorexia is different from having low sexual desire. Those with low
sexual drives do not avoid sex, but can't activate their libido, try as they
might. They simply lack interest, since their desire has been squelched or is
non-existent. They may be avoiding a partner who wants sex more than they do,
but they also seek to avoid confronting their own low desire.
Sexual anorexia takes on many forms:
1. A pattern of resistance to any sexual topic or overture.
2. Continuing that pattern of avoidance, even though he may know it's
destructive to the relationship and might drive his partner away.
3. Going to great lengths to avoid his partner's sexual contact or
affectionate attentions.
4. Rigid or judgmental attitudes toward sexuality and the physical body-his
partner's and his own.
5. Obsessing over sex and how to avoid it, to a point where it interferes with
normal living.
The sexual anorexic's main goal is to find ways to separate intimacy and sex.
Men and women alike can suffer from this disorder. Most initially feel
out-of-sorts and keep silent about their apathy, lest they be judged negatively
in today's sexually-affirmative society.
I often see this affliction in couples. They often break up, thinking
that there is nothing they can do to fix their impasse. "If desire isn't
there anymore," they assume, "that must mean it's over." But
that's not true.
To bring passion and sex back into your relationship, you have to want to do
it-and know that this time around, it takes work. It wasn't work in the
beginning, when nature was on your side, drugging you with excitement and
ecstasy. To bring it back in healthy doses now, you're on your own--and you can.
Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred
by Patrick Carnes Ph.D. by Hazelden
Paperback
List Price:
$16.95
Our Price:
$8.51
Buy Now
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Message
Keep up with me on my regularly updated Facebook page which includes discussions about all of my specialties by clicking on the picture or clicking here
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Joe Kort Classes and Products
By clicking here you will find a plethora of audio classes which I have produced via tele-classes and on audio mp3's. I am eager to make more and would be happy to hear any of your ideas of what you would like me to talk about. This fall I will be offering teleclasses for therapists on Gay Affirmative Therapy as well as classes for everyone on healthy sex and sexuality.
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Joe's Books
(If you wish to purchase them autographed click here)
Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives
by Joe Kort by Alyson Books
Paperback
List Price:
$14.95
Our Price:
$6.00
Buy Now
10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love
by Joe Kort by Alyson Books
Paperback
List Price:
$15.95
Our Price:
$6.00
Buy Now
Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide
by Joe Kort by W.W. Norton & Co.
Hardcover
List Price:
$32.00
Our Price:
$25.60
Buy Now
Mending a Shattered Heart
by Stephanie Carnes by Gentle Path Press
Paperback
List Price:
$16.95
Buy NowThis book contains a chapter by psychotherapist Joe Kort on straight men who
have sex with men in heterosexual marriages. It offers the female partners and
spouses a guide and insight into what to do and how to handle these types of
situations. The Chapter is titled, Straight Guise: Is My
Partner Gay? For more information click here
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