HOW TO TALK SO YOU'LL BE HEARD:
Part 3: Learn to Listen
Growing up, we're taught how to communicate by speaking and writing. But how many of us have received instructions on how to listen, other than perhaps our parents saying, "listen to me, I'm talking to you."
Without proper instructions, many of us have learned how to listen with the intent to either defend, correct, fix or educate. Rather than really focusing on trying to understand the other person, often we spend time preparing to speak or defend our position.
Why do we do this? Often, we do this to shut down the expression of feelings in the other because we can't tolerate the discomfort those feelings bring up in us. For example, if we are uncomfortable with a show of anger, we might try to placate the other person. If we're uncomfortable with a show of despair, we might try to rationalize. If it's a show of powerlessness, we might try to provide solutions, or if we're uncomfortable getting feedback about ourselves, we might try to argue, deny or defend. Other times, we can't listen because we are anxious or worried about what the right thing is to say or we are busy trying to figure out what the other person wants.
So how can we learn to listen? The key to listening is staying connected to our internal body reactions, such as our throat tightening, our stomach turning or our body becoming warmer. These reactions inform us of when we are feeling angry, afraid or hurt and alert us to the fact that, in this moment, we need to manage our emotions to keep the dialogue going. If not, these emotions can interfere with our ability to stay open and listen. The ability to self-regulate-to be in charge of your emotions, rather than your emotions being in charge of you-is the hallmark of a good listener.
Communicating is the skill that allows us to connect to others. Therefore, if you want to communicate and interact effectively, you must listen with the motivation to want to understand the other. This is called empathy. When others really feel we understand them, only then will they be most willing to listen to our feedback and what we have to say.
In addition to regulating ourselves, listening is the ability to understand another's fears, desires, frustrations and beliefs. Listening without feeling that we have "to fix it", "to do something about it", or "to change it" is an art that requires self-awareness, mindfulness and self-discipline. We must get out of "our story about the other" (see Part 1 of this series) which prevents us from understanding the other.
I'll often ask couples that I am working with, "can you identify what your partner's top two doubts, uncertainties, aspirations and complaints he/she has about you? And how confident are you of your answers, because I'm going to check these out with your partner?" If you are successful at answering these questions, then you are a good listener and probably bring empathy and understanding to your relationship. Statistically, it is unusual for partners to correctly answer these questions.
How good of a listener are you? Which areas might you be weak in or struggle with when listening to others? Below is a list of behaviours we engage in when we are unable to self-regulate ourselves and stay present with our own internal anxieties and fears. Which ones might be your favourite?
Advising: I think you should. Why didn't you? Did you try? Look at it this way.
One-Upping: That's nothing. Wait until you hear what happened to me.
Educating: This could be a blessing in disguise. You need to make the best of this. What lesson do you need to learn from this?
Consoling: It wasn't your fault. You did the best you could. They are the ones who are at fault.
Story-telling: That reminds me of a time when. Did I ever tell you about? Do you know what happened to Larry.
Minimizing: Cheer up. Don't feel so bad. Think of others who are way worse off than you. Move on. It's over now. Get on with it.
Rationalizing: Hey, it could be worse. There's no reason to feel this way.
Sympathizing: You poor thing. I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing.
Interrogating: When did this start happening? What exactly happened? And then what did he say?
Defending: I would have called but I got real tied up. I can't help it. Yes, but.
Correcting: That's not exactly how it happened. Aren't you forgetting an important detail? What about what you did?
Judging: I think it's time you pull yourself together. You need to let this go. It's just going to hurt you.
Fixing: Let me tell you what you have to do here. What needs to happen is this. You have to grin and bear it. Suck it up.
Denying: Oh, come on, that's impossible. How do you know that anyway? Just forget about it.
Reprimanding: You shouldn't feel that way. What's the problem this time?
Ridiculing: Don't be such a cry baby.
Rejecting: I don't want to hear about this again. You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about.
Learning to be comfortable in our body and with our own emotions and staying in the present moment (not in the past or future) are two of the best ways we can begin to become truly effective listeners. After all, can we legitimately ask others to listen and hear us if we don't do the same for them? Probably not. Therefore, if we wish to be heard and seen, the best thing we can do is first learn to listen and understand ourselves.
Claire Maisonneuve
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety and Stress Relief Clinic |
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"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply".
Stephen Covey
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