HOW TO TALK SO YOU'LL BE HEARD:
Part 2: Master your delivery
In our June newsletter we reviewed how our feelings result not from events, but from the 'stories' we make of these events. Once we understand this, we can use a formula to help deliver our message in a way that is honest and to the point.
Here is a 3 step formula to helping you talk so you'll be heard.
Step 1: THE PROBLEM: state the problem but stick with the facts.
Do
Describe the circumstances or the behaviour you observe in the other that's painful or difficult for you in concrete behavioural terms. Be specific to time and place.
Don't
Stay away from judgments, interpretations, opinions and assumptions, about what you see, most of which come from "your story". This is sometimes referred to as 'character assassination'.
Don't use absolutes like "the fact is, it's obvious that", and stay away from extremes like, "you always, you never".
We can argue with interpretations and judgments, but we can't argue with observable behaviours.
Example
"You were 15 minutes late" rather than "you're always late, you're so scattered".
"You look away when I speak to you" rather than "you never listen to me, you don't care about what I have to say".
"You spend over 60 hours a week at work, and are often home after 8pm" rather than "you're married to your work and not to me, it's obvious your family doesn't matter to you".
Step 2: THE IMPACT: What the other needs to understand about you. (if it is safe and appropriate to share.)
This step is a chance to help the other person understand why this is difficult, hurtful, disturbing to you.
Do
Express your feelings, all the while recognizing and being accountable for the fact that these feelings come from your story. "I feel - because the story I have around that, what it makes me think is, what it brings up for me".
To express our feelings we must follow "I feel" directly with the feeling. I feel anxious, afraid, scared, concerned, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, sad, distant, hopeless, serene, calm, proud, optimistic, hopeful, eager.
Don't
Don't play the blame game. I'm hurt because you did this, which really means "it's all your fault, you're the bad guy and you have to change for me to feel better". This is nothing more than manipulation.
Example
"I get furious when you are late, because it makes me think that you don't care about me, and I'm not important to you, or that you don't value my time".
"I get sad when you look away when I am speaking to you because I conclude you are not interested in me and what I have to say doesn't matter to you".
"I feel lonely when you spend that much time at work, I worry that our relationship is not going to make it, or that you don't want to be married to me".
Distinguish between what you feel and what you think:
Don't use opinions, interpretations, evaluations and assumptions about others to describe what you feel. We do this when we preface what we say with the words "I feel" when in fact we are describing what we "think":
The following are examples of statements of thoughts rather than of feelings.
I feel "that", "like" "as if":
"I feel as if no one appreciates me" instead of "I feel hurt when you don't notice what I have done".
"I feel that everything is too much for me to do" instead of "I feel frustrated because you didn't clean the kitchen the way you said you would".
I feel like a failure, a loser" instead of "I feel hopeless I didn't succeed the way I had planned".
I feel "I":
"I feel I have to do everything around here" instead of "I feel annoyed when you leave your socks laying around".
"I feel I am inadequate" instead of "I feel ashamed I can't perform everything the way I would like to".
I feel "you", "he", "she", "it":
"I feel you don't understand" instead of "I feel hurt when you try to change my opinion".
"I feel he never listens to me" instead of "I feel disappointed when he doesn't remember what we talked about".
"I feel it's not fair" instead of "I feel outraged by the injustice I see".
Step 3: THE SOLUTION: ask for what you want.
Do
Figure out what you want and ask for it: "what I would like, what I'm hoping for, what would be good is if". Ask in concise, positive, concrete terms.
Example
"I would like you to call me if you are going to be late".
"I would like you to put down the newspaper and look at me when I'm trying to talk with you".
"I would like you to come home for dinner with the family at least 3 times a week".
Don't
Don't be vague or general.
Don't assume your partner should know what you want, that it's obvious or that at this stage you shouldn't have to ask. All of these are excuses to make sure you don't get rejected.
Don't describe what you don't want. This doesn't give another a lot of guidance as to what they could do differently or what is important for you.
Example
"I don't want to keep talking to a wall"
"I don't want us to be last on your priority list anymore"
"I don't want us to be so disconnected in our relationship"
"I don't want to be taken for granted anymore"
These statements won't get you what you want.
Mastering your delivery is critical but it needs a couple more ingredients to make it bullet proof. Stay tune for the next part.
