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"How To Be Happy" Newsletter March 2010 |
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Dear 
In our last issue we discussed the root of our fears and suggestions for healing. In continuation with that topic, in this issue, we present a systematic process of self-inquiry that can quickly help you access your own compassion, recognize your own goodness, and free yourself from fear.
Please feel free to visit our Newsletter Archive for past issues.
Happy Reading.
Sincerely,
Claire Maisonneuve, Director |
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The Antidote to Fear - Part 2
In our last "February" newsletter, I discussed how feelings of fear originate from our core beliefs about being unworthy, unlovable or inadequate and how faith in our own goodness, worthiness and deservingness is the antidote to fear. One way to be free from fear and access our positive attributes is to use a systematic method to explore and eliminate the thoughts that create and maintain fear and other negative emotions. These thoughts essentially consist of our interpretations, judgments, evaluations and the meaning we give to the event, which we make according to our core beliefs.
Events don't create suffering. Our unexamined interpretations do. Which is the real pain? Your mother who insulted you once, or the agony of replaying the scene in your mind over and over again, maybe even for years?
"The Work" by Byron Katie provides us with 4 questions that can change our experience, and change our life. What follows is a simple version of her teachings.
First allow yourself to think of something upsetting, and write down what you are fearful, angry, hurt, or upset about. Allow yourself to judge the other person or the situation.
Let's take an example: "I'm afraid of talking at meetings because people might think what I have to say is stupid". As a result "I'm anxious, afraid, embarrassed and I don't say anything and then feel angry because I didn't get to say what I wanted".
The first question we ask is: "Is this true?". Is it true that what I have to say is stupid? What's the reality of this? Yes or no?
The second question is: "Can I absolutely know that it's true?". In this example, as it is in perhaps 60% of the cases when I do "the work" with clients (or myself), the answer is no. With this inquiry, the absurdity of our thoughts quickly becomes obvious. I realize that actually I don't really believe that what I have to say is stupid, I know that I have something valuable to contribute. But even if the answer at this point is yes, keep on going.
The third question is "How do I react when I think that thought". In other words how do I feel, what happens inside me, and how do I react when I entertain those thoughts in my mind? Well, in this case I don't express myself and I then resent myself for not doing so.
Let's just pause here. What we are describing and discovering here is our willingness to suffer and act on our suffering, in spite of the fact that we don't even 'believe' the thoughts that cause our suffering!! The power of this investigation is radical. Much of the time, when I pose this question to clients, the misery need not go any further.
Finally, the fourth question is "Who would I be without that thought"? If I didn't have the thought that "people might think that what I have to say is stupid", how would I feel, how would I be with others, what would I do? So I close my eyes, and I imagine myself in the meeting, without the fear of what others think, and I effortlessly say what I have to say, as if I was talking to a friend.
This inquiry into our own mind allows us to be with the truth, not what we make the truth to be. Being with the truth is the way to let go of fear. To be happy we must inquire into our thinking and throw out every thought we can't confirm. There are myriads of useless commentaries going through our mind, left to run amok, such as: "he doesn't seem to care, she's so selfish, he doesn't appreciate me".
Stop yourself and ask "Can I absolutely know that it's true"? If the answer is no, discard this thought immediately (or watch your attachment to it!). We are the only ones who can make that choice to drop useless, misery -producing thoughts. No one else can go in our minds and do this for us. We are the masters of our thoughts.
Once you have investigated your thoughts, the next step Katie suggests, is to turn those thoughts around, with a process she calls the "turnaround". This is a chance to experience the opposite of our original judgments, and a sobering exercise that helps us see that what we think about others, is always and only ever a reflection of what we think about ourselves.
Life is a mirror showing us where we need to heal. As Paul Ferrini writes in his book 'Love Without Conditions': "Every judgment you make on your brother states very specifically what you hate or cannot accept about yourself. You never hate another unless he reminds you of yourself". Indeed, our fears of being judged can only arise because we harbor the seeds of those judgments within us. We condemn the murderer but often don't acknowledge our own murderous thoughts.
To do the "turnaround" we take the negative judgments we made and turn them around in one or all three of the following ways. Then we find genuine examples of each of these statements in our life. This is the delicate part of owning our projections.
For example, the original judgment was "people might think that what I have to say is stupid ". This can be turned around to ourselves: "I think what I have to say is stupid", to the other "I think what others have to say is stupid" and to the positive: "I think what I have to say is valuable".
Whenever we feel separate, disconnected, think we have nothing in common with the other, it's because we have put our judgments in between the two of us. It's like we put up a wall. In that moment we stop being willing to know about the other, being open to who they are, and we alienate and isolate ourselves. People who have a lot of negative judgments about others often lack a sense of belonging and feel lonely. But even more painful, is that every time we have a negative judgment about another, we stop ourselves from receiving anything good from life. The wall stops us from receiving because it reinforces our sense of not deserving. We withhold love and the gifts of life from ourselves by withholding it from others.
As long as we believe that fear and suffering is something that happens to us, we will continue to feel powerless, helpless and fearful. Taking charge of our thoughts, through this process of self-inquiry is one way of reclaiming our sense of well-being and happiness.
I invite you to visit Byron Katie's website at www.Thework.com for short video's of Katie doing "The Work".
Written by Claire Maisonneuve, M.A.
Director of the Alpine Anxiety and Stress Relief Clinic | |
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"Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it."
Byron Katie |
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