The Antidote to Fear - Part 1
Fear is the most common reason people come to counselling. Be it fear of flying, germs, the unknown, making mistakes, being unable to take care of one's self or family, being judged, humiliated, rejected or controlled. All of these fears are a response to the future. A future that, most often, never occurs. So we live our lives in a state of hyper-alertness, trying to avoid imaginary experiences.
We can spend millions of dollars on medical insurance to protect our bodies, security equipment to protect our homes, or nuclear weapons, guns and soldiers to protect our country, and still we can live in fear.
That's because our thoughts create fear, and fear can never go away until we change our thinking. If we examine the root of our fears, we see that they spring from thoughts about being unworthy, unlovable, bad or inadequate. Thoughts lead to feelings. Feelings lead to action.
When we believe these thoughts, we lose the confidence to face difficult situations, we isolate ourselves and thus reinforce the fear. When we choose to be safe rather than to face our fears, we find ways to avoid more and more situations, experiences, activities and people. We stay stuck, get bored, and our world begins to shrink.
Some may argue that fear is important to keep us safe. That's like saying that worry will help prevent an accident. The fact is that common sense and intelligence keep us safe. Many people who have faced dangerous or life-threatening situations report having had no fear at the time of the event. They simply reacted, doing what was necessary to avoid the threat. Only later do they feel the fear when they thought about 'what could have happened'.
For many of us the circumstances of childhood have made fear a way of living, rather than a reflex to a real threat. Painful memories of being afraid of a parent's mood, of conflict, betrayal, separation or abuse are kept alive in our imagination, creating an ongoing sense of imminent danger and insecurity. Thoughts like "I can't trust others" "The other shoe can drop any time" or "I don't deserve to have it easy" become part of the story of who we are. In addition, the chronic level of fear from these thoughts create a sort of hyper-vigilance that produces stress and taxes the body's immune system.
We may have heard messages like, "Bad girl", "What's wrong with you", "You should have known better", "You'll never be able to do that" and so on. Now we have internalized these messages and translated them as negative beliefs about ourselves, which we replay in our mind as our legacy from the past.
Today, the biggest tragedy is how these core beliefs keep us afraid of anyone really knowing us, seeing us and being close to us. We worry that if anyone digs deep inside they might find something bad, ugly or defective or discover that we don't measure up or aren't really "good enough". The danger may have passed but the way of thinking lives on.
When we live in fear we lose our ability to connect with the strength, truth and wisdom within us because we are overwhelmed with anxiety.
To heal from fear, we must develop faith; faith in who we are and in our world. Faith is not just a religious concept. It's the ability to perceive our own goodness and worth; the belief that we deserve to have the world support us and give us what we need to handle our situation, and that we are safe. Happiness springs from faith.
Having faith doesn't mean that bad things won't ever happen to us. Rather, faith allows to see difficulties not as punishment or a curse but as lessons to help us learn and grow.
To heal fear we must first turn towards it and learn to have mercy and compassion for ourselves. Staying present with our fear is the key. We don't want to be alone, disconnected, separate in our fear, yet we readily run away from ourselves, abandon the neediness inside us and hope that something outside of us will take away the pain. Rather, we must have the courage to acknowledge, accept and face the fear.
Second, we must also want and be willing to see and experience the situation differently. Through the use of affirmations, prayer, or will power, we must sincerely ask help to see this situation not from the eyes of fear, but from a place of equal peace, love and worthiness, for ourselves and all others.
Finally, staying with our fear will allow us to explore the assumptions, judgments, interpretations, speculations and prejudices that create and maintain fear. (Our next newsletter will outline a systematic method for freeing the mind from these fear producing thoughts).
Ultimately, faith allows us to feel our connection and equality to others. Only our negative beliefs create the illusion that we are any different, separate, better or worse than another. Fear won't go away just because there is safety all around. Most people I see live in the most comfortable, secure and abundant conditions, yet there is no inner peace.
