Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Do these pants make my butt look fat?  Ah, who hasn't heard (or said) this?  If you are unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of this query, your mind immediately kicks into overdrive.  You know it's a trap--you're not stupid.  There's really only one answer:  "Your butt's not fat, babe.  Those pants look great on you."  You get that askance look from the pant wearer who's not quite sure whether you're being truthful, but satisfied anyway that you answered as you did.  Whew!   

When is lying ever OK?  Perhaps you have your own code that you stick to:  "I don't mind lying to avoid hurting someone."  That works.  But, what a slippery slope it is.  You may find you're lying to protect yourself, like when you're out with your girlfriend, but lie to the wife "in order to avoid hurting her."  Maybe your code is to never lie--"always tell the truth".  This works too, but can be tricky when your daughter asks if you like her new boyfriend.  Possibly, you have no hard-and-fast rule and you just make it up as you go along, dolling out truths, half-truths, cover-your-ass lies and blatant lies.  What about lying to yourself?  

Thanissaro Bhikku at Tricycle.com(1), offers the Buddhist view of truth telling.  Truthfullness, according to the Buddha, is the most important of the virtues.  He said if a person feels no shame in telling a deliberate lie, that person can do any kind of evil--that person cannot be trusted.  On the other hand, if there is something that you say, even if it is true but you know it is going to cause harm, you don't say it.  Mr. Buddha added three tests that he would use for any statement he might make:  1) is it true; 2) If it was true, it would also have to be beneficial; and 3) If it is true and beneficial, is it timely?   In other words, is it the right time to be saying this?  Not everything that's true should be said.  The key is "discernment".  

A.J. Jacobs in his hilarious book , My Life as an Experiment(3), spent some time with a guy, Brad Blanton (nut job(2)), who started the Radical Honesty movement, which teaches that you should never, ever lie. But more than that, you should say whatever's on your mind. You should remove the filter between your brain and your mouth.   For a month Mr. Jacobs was brutally honest-in all situations.  After his month he admits having to spend the following weeks apologizing to everyone he offended.  My fave, This American Life, did a segment on Mr. Blanton(4) and so did TAL star, Starlee Kine, for The Moth(5).  All I can say is OMG, funny and scary at the same time.  

Enough fun.  Back to business.......  So, you think lying is OK if you're protecting someone's feelings.  I agree.  But what about when lying gives someone false hope?  Imagine you're a book editor and your friend asks you to read his poetry because he wants to eventually write a book.  He just lost his wife and he's put a lot of work and emotion into his pieces.  You read them and they're horrible.  What do you tell your friend?  Judith Lasater, in her book, What We Say Matters, suggests that people will actually be relieved by hearing the truth.  Telling the truth respects your listener and honors yourself.  "Speak your truth in a way designed to promote connection and you reduce the violence you do to them, to the relationship and, of course, to yourself."

So, what's your code.  Do you have one?  If not, should you?  Do you stick to your code or do you lie like a rug if needed?  For me, telling and hearing the truth is really high on my list of good values. Especially egregious is lying to cover your own foibles, errors, and indiscretions.

I hope you like this article and it inspires you to evaluate your own attitudes toward the truth.  If you didn't enjoy it, I'm giving you permission to write me, lay down your best lie in order to protect my ego, inspire more writing, and in general, make me feel good.  So, there, I was being honest. 

(1) http://www.tricycle.com/online-retreats/ten-perfections/ten-perfections-week-2-truth.  Sorry, you have to be a member of Tricycle to view this video, but it's worth signing up as this is a rich site on Buddhism.

(2) I'm not lying.

(3) http://www.ajjacobs.com/asp

(4) http://redux.com/stream/item/1266017/This-American-Life-tells-the-story-of-Brad-Blanton-the-political-candidate-who-refuses-to-lie 

(5) Unfortunately, I could not find find a reliable download of this story by Ms. Kine.  Maybe you can.  Google Starlee Kine + Radical Honesty and/or The Moth.  Good luck.