Feminine Speak
Communication
is a key component of a successful, satisfying, long-term, healthy
relationship. It is also something that causes a lot of problems if not done
well.
In
this newsletter, I address better ways for women to speak to their "significant
other" men. This doesn't mean that this message is only for women. Men, it is
for you, too.
To my female readers: Women have become
more powerful in the business world. This is wonderful! The thing to remember
is that we use a masculine energy to succeed in business, yet it is our
feminine energy that's needed in love relationships. Using masculine energy with
masculine men will interfere with getting the love you want. Learning feminine
language will help you be more powerful and effective at home.
To my male readers: We need your help
in being better partners. You can use the information here to provide for your
feminine woman. If she is communicating with you in ways that are offensive, try
to resist the urge to hide in your cave and instead stay out and help. While
you may be justified in wanting to run from a woman who is complaining,
criticizing and nagging (who wouldn't?), you can help her by sharing what
you've learned here.
CAVEAT: There are
relationships in which the woman chooses to be the masculine energy in
partnership with a feminine energy male. That's cool, too; you can read this from
that perspective.
To my gay and lesbian
readers:
The best relationships tend to have one masculine energy person and one
feminine energy person, regardless of gender. These concepts will apply for
your love relationships as well.
To everyone: We are never just
one way or the other. As we mature, we usually learn to have more facility with
our non-dominant energy. We then lead with one energy and use the other when
appropriate.
.................................................................................................
First, a little bit about
Feminine
Too
often, people confuse feminine with submissive, subservient, and sub-standard. It
is sometimes described as frilly and weak. Many women attempt to counteract these
negative perceptions by trying to defend, overpower and control in their
relationships, or to shun femaleness altogether. That's masculine, and it almost
always causes problems with masculine energy men.
Feminine
energy is a different kind of power, and most of us have forgotten how to use
it. To be feminine in relationship, we must lead with our feelings. Say yes to
what feels good and no to what does not. Feminine feels, masculine thinks. Feminine
receives, masculine provides. Feminine is the container for the relationship,
masculine is the protector.
Here's
how to work it:
1. Choose Love
The
first thing to do to be successful in communication is to manage your attitude.
If you come from "he's the enemy", you will always fail, if not immediately
then eventually. If you take the attitude "I love him. He is on my side, he
wants me to be happy, he is here to provide and protect," you will speak and
act in ways that will be much more feminine and effective. To do this well, you must believe
that you deserve to be loved and cherished. Otherwise, everyone will look
like the enemy and you will react to everyone as if they were (even when
they're not).
2. Respond Powerfully
How
to Feminine Speak: stand in your personal power, restore yourself to respect
and generosity for your partner, then speak up for what you need. Express
yourself ("this doesn't feel good to me"), have standards ("this isn't ok"),
and make requests ("It would make me feel really happy if you would do __X__,
instead."), then leave it at that. Men don't need a lot of explanation. They
just need to know how to please you.
Stand
your ground by sharing what feels good (or not) and what you need. Stand your
ground by leaving when necessary (as in: the conversation, the room, the
house, or even the relationship), but not out of retaliation. It only works
from a place of power, from responding. To retaliate and give ultimatums is "child
speak." It is a reaction.
Avoid
whining and complaining; men cannot hear this at all. I have a friend who tells
her 5-year-old, "I can't hear you when you use your whiney voice." The same
holds true for men. Arguing, complaining, criticizing and coercing come from
feeling powerless and victimized (reaction). It pushes them away. If you felt
powerful you would not need to resort to such behavior. Notice yourself - do you
complain a lot? You may have some power work to do.
(For
more on responding versus reacting, see my prior newsletter).
3. Lead with feelings
Dr.
Pat Allen in her book, Getting to I Do,
has some wonderful information on feminine and masculine energy, and she offers
some helpful formulas for what I call Feminine Speak. I recommend the book for
those reasons - even if you're married. In particular, she suggests leading
with feelings and then asking the man what he thinks.
Formula: Stroke - Stand - Contract - Close
Explanation:
Stroke: This helps you stay
connected to your love and respect for him, and it reminds him that he's accepted
and acceptable. It reminds both of you that he has the every right to behave
however he wants (men don't like to be controlled), even though there are consequences.
It (hopefully) places both of you in a receptive and open (feminine) mode. It
must be sincere - we human beings can detect insincerity; it doesn't work.
Stand: This is where you
say "this isn't ok with me," "it doesn't feel good to me," or "what you are
doing is having a negative consequence."
Contract: This is your
request or commitment; what you need to do or what you need from him in order
to take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself while respecting him is the
bottom line of this whole formula!
Close: This is your
check-in, to invite him to be part of a dialogue instead of handing him an
ultimatum.
Example
1: You don't like the way he is speaking to you
Stroke: You have every right
to behave however you want, and I am happy to discuss these things with you.
Stand: However, I feel uncomfortable
when you speak to me in that tone of voice.
Contract: In the future, I'm
going to walk away whenever you do that.
Close: What do you think
about that?
Example
2: Making a request
Stroke: I love how much
time you've been spending at home with me these days. That feels really good to
me.
Stand: I find that the
house is a bit messier as a result. I feel so much happier when the kitchen is
clean.
Contract: I need your help in
keeping the counters clean every day.
Close: Can we talk about
that?
Notice
the power, generosity and respect in these. Most partners will respond well to
this kind of communication. If not, you may want to seek help to remove old
ingrained patterns of relating. Remember that it takes time to change, so don't
expect this to work overnight.
Obviously,
this is just the tip of the iceberg regarding Feminine Speak. I hope it
inspires you to practice new communication skills and to want to learn more. It
is very effective and a lot more fun than arguing and resisting.
