If you want to be in control of your life, you have to learn to respond instead of react.

Reaction stems from fear. Response is an outcome of freedom. Life happens. The quality of your life will always depend on how you engage with every person and situation that comes your way.

According to Miriam-Webster,

React means:

1: to exert a reciprocal or counteracting force or influence

2: to act in opposition to a force or influence

3: to move or tend in a reverse direction

Respond means:

1: to say something in return : make an answer

2: to show favorable reaction

3: to be answerable

Reaction tends to be against something. In relationship, this is usually a perceived enemy. Sometimes the person/situation truly is inimical; more often it is not. Regardless, we are most reactive when we feel emotionally threatened or assaulted, and most reactions tend to be automatic and knee-jerk, occurring so quickly we don't have time to stop ourselves.

Some people, however, choose to react for a variety of reasons - they like feeling angry, hurt, emotionally charged; some find it energizing to feel that way; it's a long-lived, ingrained habit; they think they are in control, because emotional reactions tend to push people away.

When we react, we are allowing our behavior to be driven by our emotions, usually fear, hurt and/or anger. We act without thinking, listening, or exploring options. While fear and hurt tend to be the initial feelings, reactions tend to be angry outbursts - name-calling, raised voices, slamming doors, arguing, leaving the room in a huff. Sometimes they are "inbursts" - silent treatment, refusing to discuss an issue, writing people off. This can happen at home, at work, in the car, anywhere.

What most people don't realize is that when we react, we give our power away to that person or situation that stirred up the feeling (notice I did not say "caused" the feeling). We allow something or someone outside of ourselves to have control over us.

In reactive mode:

• We are depending on the approval of others and we have a hard time maintaining emotional stability unless we have that approval

• We feel good about ourselves only when no one disagrees with, criticizes, or disapproves of us

• We perceive a small suggestion as a personal attack or a constructive feedback as a personal failure

• Our feelings and reactions are usually far out of proportion to the event that brought them on

When it comes to relationships, especially the closest ones, it is easy to get reactivated, stirred up, and out of control. A large part of growing through our most intimate connections is using our reactive experiences to help us learn to manage our emotions. In order to "make an answer" and "show a favorable reaction," (e.g., respond), we must come from a centered place, a place of personal power.

In response mode, we are able to think as well as feel and thus behave more rationally. We are aware of feelings and the urge to react and are able to maintain composure in spite of them. We do not allow feelings to drive us to impulsive actions.

Responsiveness is the way to freedom, peace and harmony in your life - by gaining an inner strength that keeps you from being knocked about by life experiences. To cultivate it, here are some new habits to acquire:

Awareness - the first step to turning a reaction into a response is to be aware. Notice your feelings, desire to lash out, negative thoughts and emotions about yourself and others. The more you practice, the more often you will be able to name it in the moment, rather than after the fact when it may be too late.

Nimbleness - Everyone is prone to reaction - we're human! It is the fight or flight system, a deeply ingrained survival mechanism. Learning to "dance" with the moment will allow for some breathing room. The more breathing room, the better chance to engage your brain. This is the time to remind yourself that "this person/situation is NOT the enemy".

Defend-lessness - it is helpful to practice non-defensive responses, so that you remember them in times of stress and are prepared once you get yourself to that nimble, "not enemy" place. Some examples are:

�         Is that so?

�         Oh, I see.

�         That's interesting. Help me understand why you say/think/feel that way.

�         Let me think about that.

�         I'm sorry that you feel that way/see it that way.

Self-centeredness (the good kind) - an ongoing part of becoming a response-able (responsible) human being is to know who you really are. When you are self-determined, other people and situations will not be able to define you or throw you off balance. There are two aspects to this: independence and individualism.

Independence is freedom from control by other people as well as by one's own senses and feelings. Independence is not anti-dependence or codependence; it is autonomy and detachment. Individualism is knowing who you really are, having your own center and, from there, pursuing an independent course in thought and action.

Remember, the minute you argue, apologize, explain, or try to change someone's mind or get them to understand you, you have handed over your power to them. On the other hand, by responding with A-N-D (awareness, nimbleness and defending less), you are maintaining your Self-ness. You will have control of your life, your destiny, and your power. And you will have much better relationships, too!