A few years ago I wrote about something I call The Ugly Duckling Syndrome (UDS). That article focused on external aspects, such as feeling less-than-attractive physically. This time, I want to talk about the internal aspects.   (To see that article, click here)

The Ugly Duckling is what I call the part of us that feels not good enough, less-than, unlovable, afraid of rejection or abandonment, etc. It interferes with our relationships, whether we know it or not. As much as we try to look good, act right, and talk the talk, the Ugly Duckling still gets in the way. It undermines our confidence, causes us to make poor choices in relationships, undersells us for new jobs or promotions, avoids conflict and stops us from taking the best care of ourselves. I call that the Ugly Duckling Syndrome.

There are tell-tale signs of UDS. Usually it shows up in some form of fear:

Upon looking in the mirror and seeing age lines on your face, the inner voice screams: "I'm getting older! Will he leave me because of my wrinkles?"

To avoid the challenge of dating, you justify: "There are so many divorces out there. I'll just be a statistic. Why bother?"

After yet another failed relationship, you cry: "Will I ever find someone to love me?"

Sometimes UDS is obvious - we're aware that we feel less-than, not good enough to go out with him or her, but we don't know what to do about it. Sometimes it is loud, like a panic attack, depression, resignation and despair.  Many times, however, it is subversive and subtle. It hides in things like seducing, fault-finding, awfulizing, generalizing, aggrandizing, and self-chastising. Let me explain.

Seducing

This is the need to prove to the other person that you're lovable, convince them to love you, or find ways to hook them so they won't leave you. For example, men will rescue a woman in need so as to prove that he's a good provider. It's an ego-boost to him initially, and an easy-out for her, but it usually ends in him resenting her for using him, or her resenting him for keeping her powerless. Having to buy someone's love never works, and it's a sure sign of Ugly Duckling.

Other examples: trying to be what you think they want or need (as in, the opposite of the horrible ex they keep talking about), being "perfect" (afraid a mistake will drive their lover away), being the good girl or boy ("I won't complain," "I'll wait for them to be ready, however long that takes,"), and pretending to like something you don't (such as friends, hobbies, or habits).

Fault-finding

"He's great, everything I always wanted, BUT...." Part of real love means coming to terms with our partner's shortcomings. Fear of real love will often use fault-finding as a way of avoiding closeness. The Ugly Duckling doesn't want to be seen, for fear of not being loved. So, "I don't like his teeth," "Her nose is too big," and "I wanted someone more X and less Y" can seem like good reasons not to date someone. But they're not.

Awfulizing

I hear "there are no good men out there" a lot. Ladies, good news: That's not remotely true. The bad news is that when UDS is running, you can't see them. Same thing with, "I'll never find someone" or "God must want me to be single." It's only true if you want it to be.

Generalizing

Another defense, similar to fault finding, is generalizing. This means taking your complaints about relationships and turning them into a warped reality. "Women are just out for themselves," "Men can't commit," "Marriage will only end in divorce." Not very helpful when you're trying to stay open to love. Very effective in keeping love away.

Aggrandizing

"I'm too sexy for my shorts" was written for the Ugly Ducklings of the world. A lifetime of "I'm too good for him/her" usually means that deep inside you're afraid you're not. Boasting, power plays, and holier than thou are fortresses that serve to keep others out and Ugly Duckling in.

Self-chastising

"I'm too fat," "I don't have the right job," "I'm too short," "I'm too old," and the list goes on. I said earlier that real love means coming to terms with our partner's shortcomings. In order have a real partner in the first place, you have to have come to terms with your own. Self acceptance and self love are key components of the "happily ever after" equation.

These are just a few examples of UDS. There are more, as you can imagine. Keep in mind that Ugly Duckling is not a life sentence. The little "duck" wants to grow up to be a Beautiful Swan. And it can, if you learn to nurture the swan within.

Becoming the Beautiful Swan

Inner beauty is the foundation for outer beauty. It consists of several things, three of which are confidence, self-worth, and generosity. Confidence shines through when it comes from the core of our being. It is a very attractive quality, and is based on the knowing of our value, our place in the world, and our ability to do well in life. Self worth stems from a fundamental knowing that "I'm ok"; it is a combination of self love and self acceptance. Generosity is a heart-centered loving kindness that naturally streams forth to others when our own "soul bucket" is full.

Developing into the beautiful swan - growing your confidence, self-worth, and generosity - is a process that requires an investment in yourself and in your soul journey. It takes education, healing, and practice. Inner beauty gives you an outer life that works - love, peace, satisfaction, success. Go for it!