Relationship Concepts Newsletter
UDS June 2007
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Happy June!
 
I hope you are enjoying your summer. May your days be filled with lots of sunshine and smiling faces!
 
Patty
UDS
 

Concept

There's an issue that comes up frequently in my coaching practice that's an important reason why people can't find or keep a love relationship. It's something experienced by many singles; I hear it from both men and women alike, though each gender and each person may express it differently. It's a sensitive subject and a very personal matter, which can make it difficult to discuss, so please bear with me.

 

No matter how it shows up, the gist of the issue is a belief that "I'll never find love because I'm not attractive enough." I call this the Ugly Duckling Syndrome (UDS), because the person experiencing it feels unattractive in some way and they aren't aware of their unique beauty, aka The Swan.

 

Discussion

Many single people experience themselves as "not attractive enough". However, if you were to ask their friends and family, you'd probably find many who disagree. Nevertheless, they blame being single on their looks, despite evidence to the contrary.

 

If you take a good look around, you'll see that all kinds of people find love relationships. There are couples in which one is more visually appealing than the other, and couples of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, looks and styles that don't always seem as though they would fit together. Examples of this are everywhere. We hear stories, see it in the media, and witness it in our everyday lives. So why doesn't "I'm not attractive enough" apply to them?

 

Because looks don't really matter. Not when it comes to love.

 

How many times have you met someone who is drop dead gorgeous, but suddenly not so much once you get to know them? It's clear that they're not good relationship material. So, if it's not about how we look, then what is it? It's about how we feel about ourselves. What we harbor on the inside affects what we see on the outside. That's the Ugly Duckling Syndrome.

 

I know this one from personal experience. Believe it or not there was a time when I thought "ugly" was a feeling (meaning someone would ask, "What are you feeling?" to which I would reply, "Fat and ugly.") Yes, I was that checked out. Thank God those days are gone!

 

I shed the syndrome in phases. First, it was recognizing that fat and ugly weren't feelings, but a cover for other things like loneliness, anger, disappointment, fear and low self esteem. When I went to work on the underlying issues, the feeling of "ugly" went away.

 

Then, there came the acceptance that while I'll never be Kate Moss, Heidi Klum, or Cindy Crawford, I am fine just as I am. Later, it was about letting the beauty and happiness on the inside become the attractiveness and appeal on the outside. When I finally let that happen, I met the man who is now my husband. UDS came up one last time when I realized "This is it! He's the one!" It was partly out of disbelief that I could ever really be loved, and partly as the last breath of a dying personal myth.

 

The good news is, the fairy tale has a happy ending. Your love life can have a happy ending, too! I'm here to say that UDS can be overcome, because it's not your looks that are the reason you're single, it's your feelings.

 

Coaching

We all know that being single can be challenging at times. To have it make sense, we look for reasons why it isn't happening. Sometimes, we blame our physical appearance. When we're not feeling good about ourselves, we are likely to use a relationship with someone better looking than we are to make us feel better, to help us feel more attractive. But it's a temporary fix, because underneath the outer appearance are the real reasons we feel unattractive in the first place.

 

Some things to consider:

 

1. Put your feelings about your physical body aside and assess: how do you feel about yourself, your life, and the people around you? How well does your life work? If it's not good, or (even better) great, then there's work to do. Sometimes, people focus on losing weight because they think that's the problem. Unfortunately, underlying feelings tend to sabotage success, so their appearance doesn't change. And usually, neither does their love life. The ones who find love are those who love and accept themselves and their lives, including their bodies.

 

One of my client success stories is a woman who, like many of us, "would not make the cover page of Vogue." When she came to me she was in a relationship with a guy who was "just not that into her." She dumped him and focused on other areas of her life, such as getting healthy, finishing school, excelling in a job she enjoyed, and finding a great place to live. Over time, she created a life she loved, and next thing she knew she found herself in love with a great guy (who happens to be good looking, too!). They're happily married and now they have a baby!

 

2. Notice all the ways you tell yourself that you're not enough. Looks and otherwise. Start shifting those paradigms.

 

3. Question your reality. How many people do you see in relationship who are less attractive than you? Is it really your looks, or is it something else?

 

4. Get healthy anyway. Just because looks aren't everything when it comes to love doesn't mean you have permission to neglect your appearance. Yes, still take care of your body, eat right, get plenty of exercise and rest, and do the best you can with what you have. But No, don't blame your looks if you're still single.

 

Parting Thought

The moral story of the Ugly Duckling fairytale is that inner beauty overshadows physical appearance, and that we are more attractive than we think we are. You are, in your own way, uniquely beautiful (or handsome). When you're able to look in the mirror and see that Swan inside and let that Swan shine through, that's when you will attract real, long-lasting love into your life.

 

Solo to Soulmate
 
Solo to Soulmate

How to find the love of your life!

 

A workshop for single women who are ready to create the right relationship with the right man. You don't have to be single any more!

 

Next Course: October 20, 27 and November 3

Location: Phoenix and Dragon Bookstore, Sandy Springs
 
NOTE: Can't make this class? Consider hosting your own Solo to Soulmate! Hostesses get one month of free coaching! Call for details.
 
Other Announcements
 
ABWA

I will be speaking for the North Fulton chapter of ABWA on Friday, July 27th. Topic: The Personal Side of Business: Making Your Relationships at Work Work For You. For more information, go to www.nfen.org