Writings by Roberta Wall
Dear Friends,
I've been writing and writing about my understanding of power and choice from an NVC perspective. This is very much a work in progress, and I want to send this email today to remind folks about the parenting workshop coming up this Sunday. Exercising Power- As Parents, as Soldiers, as All of Us
A few weeks ago I participated in a training for trainers led by Miki Kashtan, co- founder of Bay NVC. One theme we explored was power- what does Nonviolent Communication offer to support trust and connection between the ones who have the resources to exercise power over others, and the ones over whom power is exercised, such as parents over children? On a larger scale, what does the NVC understanding of power offer in conflict situations and toward transformation of existing power structures?
"Power Over" and "Power With" as Parents
In our training, we used role plays to experience the different uses of power that have been identified by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC, Miki Kashtan, and others. In the NVC community, we call these concepts of power "power over" and "power with." "Power over" another can be exercised when one person has greater access to external resources than the other person; this greater access gives one person the possibility of limiting the other person's access to resources. The person with the access to power can deliver consequences to the other person's actions. For example, a parent can exercise power over a child because the parent has access to money, the car, the legal system.
When we are the one who has the resources to back up power, it is important that we are aware of it so that we can act with awareness and honesty. It will be difficult, perhaps impossible, to build trust with the other person if we act without awareness of how we are using our power in relation to them. Choosing to Act with Awareness
As a parent, when I choose to exercise "power over", it means I am choosing to take an action that impacts on my child whether or not he or she agrees to it. This is a choice parents make daily- my child doesn't want to go to school or pick up his coat or do homework. As a parent, I may choose to exercise power over him by imposing or enforcing agreements we have made about this. Click here to continue reading this article
Finding Freedom and Connection at the (Thanksgiving) Table
You are sitting at the family table. Thanksgiving . You notice Uncle Henry is drinking his third cup of vodka. Mary is texting at the table. Sue hasn't stopped talking about football. Andy is wearing his tea party victory shirt. Gary has purple hair. It's the stuffing you have told the cooks every year that you can't eat. You're a vegetarian. No one has asked you how your book is going. No one has asked you where your husband or wife or girlfriend is. No one has asked you why you have a bandage on your nose.... No one has asked you anything .
Fill in 100 blanks that trigger you into a place where you are overcome by strong energies and feelings that can lead you to speak or act in ways that aren't in harmony with what you really want- satisfying connection, ease, acceptance. Love... . You become aware that you are sitting in a familiar place- feeling lonely, uncomfortable, a tight knot in your body, chest, throat, shoulder. You're going to cry or explode. Maybe you already did cry or explode. Maybe you really want to cry or explode and are holding back.
The way out- Self Connection Notice Bodily Sensations-Make your body your first Ally in Your Self inquiry click here to continue reading!
What is NVC:
The process of NVC is a way of focusing and directing our attention to that "place" where Life flows, the inner space where the energy of compassion dwells. NVC is an effective process for dramatically shifting from the common mindsets of judgment, blame, and criticism that are at the root of suffering, towards authentic honesty and empathic connection with self and others.
As my exploration of NVC and spirituality deepened over the years, what has emerged in me is a clarity about ways to cultivate a daily practice of living compassion - day to day, moment by moment -- with ourselves and in relationships with others. It is a practice of compassionately embracing all of life. Robert Gonzales,, Center for Living Compassion ???
Nonviolent Communication and The Energy of Words
The purpose of language is to bring our inner world- our experience, insight and inner life - out into the world. The words we use, the very choice of words, the tone, speed, volume- this is how our inner life is carried out into the world. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is about using words that carry with them the energy we want to bring into the world. When we speak words, what is our intention? What is it that we want our words to convey, to contribute, to put out, into our family, community and world? What are the values and needs that we want our words to bring alive in the moment?
To explore this, let us inquire into a whole category of words we commonly use to express our feelings- "I feel manipulated, used, ignored, disrespected." The literacy of NVC helps us understand that these words are unlikely to meet needs of connection, intimacy and being heard in the way we are yearning to be heard.
For example, if our intention in using these words is to convey the deep hurt and disappointment we feel about something; if our intention in using these words is to create enough connection with the other person so that they understand our experience of what happened, we would want to use words that carry with them the energy of our experience.
Ask yourself- when someone says to you, "I feel abused, used, dismissed, disrespected," does hearing those words help your heart open or close to the person's experience? Is your instinctive reaction to get defensive because you "feel attacked, misunderstood, blamed, judged"? When we are in defensive mode, we are closed, constricted- we can't take in the other person's experience, we can't connect to what is in their hearts.
How many dialogues about difficult subjects end in a war of words- back and forth between "manipulated, used, ignored, disrespected." and "attacked, misunderstood, blamed, judged"?
This category of words, sadly, is how we commonly express how we "feel". Tragically, they actually are words that reflect and create the mind set of separation, blame, shame and anger. These words do not carry with them the energy of what we are actually feeling-in our bodies and hearts. When we speak them, usually we are feeling hurt, fragile, vulnerable, upset, afraid. These words- hurt, fragile, vulnerable, upset, afraid- convey a felt sense of our experience, a physical bodily sense, of how we feel. When we say "I feel attacked, ignored, used, manipulated, misunderstood, blamed, judged", we cover, rather than reveal, the vibration of our feelings, yearnings and vulnerability. Some NVC trainers call these "Faux feelings", other call them "nonfeeling words" or "habitual speech". All of these labels refer to words that carry with them an energy that makes it harder for us to connect with each other heart to heart.
The practice of NVC, the literacy of NVC, is about learning to use words that carry with them the energy of our intention to connect with what is in each other's hearts.
A Day without Drudgery
Imagine a day without drudgery, no longer doing things because "I have to"; no longer telling myself I feel "unappreciated" "manipulated" " used" or "ignored." With the inner work of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which I am digging deeply into this week in Oregon with Robert Gonzales, we are learning and practicing orienting ourselves toward beauty in every moment- toward the beauty of needs; the needs I am choosing to meet in this moment. Needs for companionship, community, beauty, creativity. Needs for presence and love and compassion. They are all here, all energies for me to tap into in every moment, I can follow every thread of anger, despair and blame back to the beauty of a need- in those cases, the need itself is the yearning for action and words that are in harmony with what I am yearning for.
I can follow the thread of every feeling- overwhelm, fear, anger, confusion- the threads lead me to a precious and beautiful life energy in me that yearns for the world to be in harmony with. When I follow the thread, I am orienting myself toward something precious and beautiful.
So when my roommate on this retreat, a retreat where we are plunged into tenderness and vulnerability, up and moves to another room without telling me, I feel raw, scared, confused........hurt. I feel those feelings and trace the thread from them to what my heart is yearning for in this moment- love, companionship, understanding, connection, acceptance.
I inquire inside- what is causing the hurt and pain? I find thinking about myself- shame, embarrassment, guilt-and thinking about her- inconsiderate, insensitive...I follow the thread in those thoughts to what I am truly yearning for-
To matter, to count, to be seen. I follow the thread again- there it is again, love, understanding, acceptance.
Each time, when I follow the thread and arrive in love, understanding, acceptance, I feel a physical shift in my heart- an opening, a softening...........love, understanding, acceptance........
Then, in a group session here in the Oregon rainforest, towering trees dripping with dew and moss, I hear the same woman speak about the pain she is in everyday as she observes herself pull back from people in anger and judgment. Drivers on the road, people she encounters everyday. I watch her tears flow and hear her yearning to connect and to quiet the voices in her that pull her into desolate separateness.
She, and all of us with her, follow the thread from her thoughts and feelings to her yearning for ease and connection, for peace.
As I sense my heart opening to her, the images of her that had been created in my mind melt away as the energies of understanding and compassion arise and envelope me.
Again, she speaks in the group, and shares how she refuses to be silenced, refuses to not speak and act her peace- and how often the way she does that leads her to isolation and separateness. She uses words like "people are mean, dishonest, rude."
Again, we follow the thread in this set of her feelings from "mean, dishonest, rude" to her yearning for consideration, honesty, being seen... to love.
All day, whenever I encounter thoughts of blame, shame, guilt, depression, I follow their threads.
With every action I take I follow the threads-
The thread lead me back to the energies of love, self care, self acceptance, yearning for a world where everyone counts, where everyone feels joy and comfort.....
I feel these energies sparkling thru me.
Life herself.
I bring them into seemingly mundane activities- taking a walk, making a to do list.......calling my mother on the phone, answering an email...
The thread leads me to deeper self connection, to satisfaction, to joy and delight with the task, with the moment, with life.
Connecting NVC and Judaism
On Yom Kippur we explored the connection between NVC and forgiveness- not forgiveness from a place of right and wrong, good and bad; instead, forgiveness from a place of mourning the loss of access to energies that are so important to me- trust, connection, love, appreciation, belonging, safety- we mourn that something happened between me and myself or me and another person that blocked core life energies for me--what Marshall Rosenberg calls "needs": what the Yom Kippur liturgy calls "Divine Attributes"; we can call them values, spiritual energies; so we mourn our disconnect from them in the triggered moments- mourn this by returning to ourself, to our own experience of what happened- instead of putting our energy out there to another person;this return to yourself, called Returning to the Land of Your Soul in the Jewish liturgy, is the process of self empathy in Nonviolent Communication.
After we refill our own empathy cup, a natural curiosity will incline our hearts to wonder-what was so important to the other person. This natural opening to understanding the other person's experience and needs is the road to forgiveness.
We explored this at Romemu in NYC on Yom Kippur afternoon. Several people reported that they felt an opening inside that had been blocked for years and years and years.
A wish a joyful meaningful and sweet sweet new year to everyone.
Parenting Adult Children
by Roberta Wall
When your thirty something unemployed daughter tells you she isn't going to take a job that is being handed to her, or your son tells you he is taking out another credit card to buy another stereo, or (fill in the blank with news you may hear from your adult children that is less than wonderful for you to hear) how do you respond?
My guess is that if you do or say anything without taking some time to check inside yourself and do what you need to do to reconnect with what's really important to you- you or they- or both of you- will end up regretting what you do or say.
How do we learn to PAUSE in these moments, to center, to touch what is the most important thing to us- all with the ease and skill to stay connected to our children in that moment?
This is the exploration I am looking forward to in the upcoming Parenting Adult Children series beginning next Tuesday evening in Woodstock.
When I see or hear something that triggers me- such as one of the above scenarios- I may feel tense, scared, concerned; really wanting my adult child's well being, wanting awareness, growth and security. I may feel frustrated and anxious because effectiveness and contribution are so important to me as a parent. I may feel scared because I want independence and I am worried that decisions they make may impact on my own independence, or on theirs. Maybe I feel sad and distressed because I value certain ways of living on the planet, - contribution, compassion, and awareness- that don't seem to jive with the behaviors I am observing.
There is so much going on in me, that I'm not even close to seeing what is important to them- important to them about telling me their decision; important to them about the decision itself.
How can I connect with them if I can't see my way to what's important to them?
My responsibility is to cultivate this self awareness- to understand the complexity of my own response. To then let them know that this is what I am doing. Here is -at last- is the place for honesty, the beginning of honesty in this relationship- when I share what's going on in me- without any blame toward you- I am just really seeing into myself here.
I may say to them- please stop me the moment you hear blame or judgment from me because this isn't what I want you to hear- I want to speak without blame or guilt tripping or judging. I want to share how this is for me so that I can unblock and hear how it is for you.
And I want to do this, to take responsibility for seeing inside myself, so that I can breathe and release and then hear you clearly and recognize your dreams and visions, and be your ally.
Nonviolent Communication and basic Mindfulness are a great combination for conscious parenting.
Curfews, cell phones in schools, safety, "tantrums", the f.. word--- These are some of the hot issues in our communities involving young people.
When something happens in the home that "stimulates" me- so I feel tension, stress, anger, hurt.... I can pause and return to myself- to my experience of what happened- as a way of getting off automatic pilot, as a way of preventing a triggered reaction that I'm going to regret later.
Returning to myself- I say to myself, "wow' when I hear her say that, or see her do that, I feel a knot in my belly; tension in my jaw and neck. Stay with that. Stay with that until the emotion that it's locking up reveals itself to me- I can use the NVC feelings charts to identify the emotions- http://www.cnvc.org/en/Training/feelings-inventory
Oh, I feel sad, or scared, or frustrated....
Stay with that, stay with that, until the need behind the feeling reveals itself to me- my need, something, energy so important to my being, that wants to be met so deeply that it triggers all these reactions when I can't access it- http://www.cnvc.org/en/Training/needs-inventory
Oh, yes, I really want...cooperation, safety, presence, meaning... I care so deeply about my child's well being, about the well being of children, about the planet...
If I come up with feelings such as anger, guilt and ashamed- I know I have some thinking, some images, judgments and concepts that are fueling my feelings- and I want to free myself from them so I can return to my heart- I free myself from them by listening to them- what are they telling me? What do they want for me?
I will empathically listen to the judgments, feelings of guilt and shame and embarrassment, to unlock the energy of important needs and values of mine-
http://www.cnvc.org/en/Training/the-nvc-model
All this to restore me to the place where I can joyfully choose connection with my family instead of blame, shame, anger, judgment.
After connection, after mutual connection, I can express honestly what is important to me.
http://www.cnvc.org/en/Training/the-nvc-model
If I try to tell the other person what I want or what's going on for me before I create self connection and connection with them- valuing equally what 's important to them and what's important to me- my experience is that it will not be heard as I really want it to be heard; it will not be received as I'm longing for it to be received. This is why Marshall Rosenberg calls this a tragic expression of unmet needs- tragic because it won't create the quality of connection within the family that I am longing for.
Returning to myself- staying with the experience of what happened, how my sense organs- sight, hearing, touch etc- take it in, how my mind translates it- taking care of these feelings and thoughts before I respond- deepens my own capacity for love and insight and creates the condition for a deeper and more effective connection with my loved ones.
Daily Reflection by Robert Gonzales, Center for Nonviolent Communication
My understanding of empathy is approaching experience as whatever is alive, whatever it is. Empathy carries this awareness, "I don't want to change you, I simply want to invite you to be here and I want to be present." This is compassion.
From Roberta-What is empathy? What can I do to cultivate this quality in myself- toward myself and toward others? Robert Gonzales teaches that empathy is when we are present with someone,or ourselves, without any pressure-- pressure to fix,correct, improve, solve,educate, enlighten-- because where there is pressure, there is an absence of empathy.
Notice when you are listening to someone, do you feel any constriction in your throat, chest, jaw or belly? Are your shoulders tight? This may indicate that there is pressure within you to change or fix something in the other person--this inner pressure in you blocks the flow of empathy
To open up the flow, you can choose to breathe into the constriction in your body, see if you can identify an emotion it is holding. Then see what need of yours isn't being met in the moment, and breathe into that. (You may ask the person for a few moments' pause in their sharing while you are doing this!)
When you feel relaxation, your presence will naturally open up, and you can enjoy being present without pressure.
"I don't want to change you, I simply want to invite you to be here and I want to be present." This is compassion.
More from Robert Gonzales:
When some aspect of ourselves is not in the light of awareness, it becomes the shadow. And it has power over us to the extent that we are not looking at it or conscious of it. It becomes enacted through the protective structures. What is in our shadow experience is actually life energy itself held in a knot of contraction. When we shine the light of compassionate presence on it, it starts to relax, open and release.
From Roberta:
I especially like the first sentence- the "shadow", and its power, is not fixed or static, not different in that respect from any dharma; it is part of the mindfulness process; like Thich Nhat Hanh says, mindfulness is always mindfulness of something; when we don't bring mindfulness to something inside ourselves, the shadow is created...
The third sentence is how we work with this with NVC- we recognize and embrace it as life energy itself held in a knot of contraction. We hold it, listen to it, step into its energetic flow, and give it empathy. And,in turning it inward to ourselves, we shine the light of compassionate presence on it, it starts to relax, open and release. It will teach us what is so important to our beingness that it sticks around.
With NVC, the next step is to incorporate the needs locked up in this shadow side into a request of ourself.
This Dream Flow worksheet can help you!
Dream Flow Worksheet
New Photos from NVC classes in Bethlehem
 | We long for a world where everyone's needs are valued
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