"It is a great mistake for men to give up paying compliments, for when they give up saying what is charming, they give up thinking what is charming." -- Oscar Wilde

I have coached Open Mike sessions for Comedifest, the Magic Show Conference, Northwest Festival of Clowns, and other workshops. The guidelines for doing that require that we start off by complimenting the performer on something that they have done to reassure them that we are not there just to rip their performance apart. Usually those who sign up for those performances are of a high quality. Rarely was there a performance that I did not immediately see something I could compliment. However, I have learned that even with those performances that I felt needed the most improvement I could find something positive to comment on if I really looked for it.

The reason is a psychological concept called Synchronicity which means you tend to find what you are looking for. Therefore if you are looking for reasons to compliment somebody you will find them. If you don't look for them you will overlook them.

You don't have to wait to stumble across something to compliment others on. You can consciously decide to do it. I'll use an example from being Committee Chair for a Cub Scout Pack. In America we celebrate Thanksgiving Day this week. I decided to send each member of the Pack committee a Thanksgiving card. When I started writing them I realized that each person had made major contributions to the group. I hadn't thought much about some of those contributions before, but when I began listing them I was amazed by how much the Pack had benefited from each committee member.

It is easy to forget to compliment somebody. I often get distracted and forget to make a comment after seeing others perform. You can remind yourself to pay compliments by setting a quota. Lee Mullally was the World Clown Association President in 1992-1993. I was the organization's education director during that same term. We decided to encourage the authors submitting material to Clowning Around, the WCA magazine. When each issue came out we individually picked one person who had been writing a column and sent them a note thanking them for their contributions and complimenting them on something in their writing. That quota meant each author heard from us at least once during the year.

Looking for admirable qualities in the performances of others, reminds me of those qualities so I can try to incorporate them into my own performance. For example, seeing somebody making sure everyone in their audience can see a prop they are holding reminds me to make an effort to insure my props are visible to everyone in my audiences.

I have had several discussions with members of the Fellowship of Christian Magicians who say variety artists involved in Gospel Ministry tend to avoid complimenting each other out of fear that will cause the recipient of the comments to become proud which is considered an undesirable trait. Many entertainers believe that variety artists involved in Gospel Ministry are less skilled in showmanship and technical ability than other entertainers. Like any stereotype that is not entirely true. There are some extremely skilled entertainers involved in Gospel Ministry. However, I have observed that the skill level in that specialty does tend to be lower. Oscar Wilde's observation may explain that partly. Since some people in that specialty don't compliment their peers they are not looking for admirable qualities to comment on. That means they don't think about those qualities that makes another act successful which might also improve their own act. What tends to confirm this observation is that those involved in that specialty that I think are more skilled are people who are also more likely to compliment other entertainers.

How often do you compliment others? What can you do to find admirable traits to comment on? How can you use that to remind yourself of what is desirable? How can you purposely set out to compliment others? Who will you choose to give a compliment?