"One problem I have found about good deeds is that they can be pretty hard to do properly, unless you have the light touch that the teenager in Singapore shared with you. Sometimes people can be offended by what I thought was a good deed, when I did not get this right. It is nice to do a good deed, without being 'good'. It is even better to do a good deed that makes the other person feel good about themselves, rather than ashamed for needing some help, or put down.  I like the Jewish saying: 'Why do you hate me: what have I done to help you?'" - Mark Allerton

Mark is a Thought for the Week subscriber from Australia.  I thought his reply to last week's newsletter was an important reminder.

One of the things that was hard for me to learn, and that I am still learning, is that a good deed has to be done with tact and sensitivity. 

If you jump in too quickly with your help, the other person may feel that you consider them incompetent.  Ruth Winbald attended Clown Camp ® in La Crosse, WI when she was 100 years old.  She carried a cane.  Carole saw her coming and held a door open for her.  Ruth was offended.  She turned her cane upright, balanced it on her palm, and marched through the doorway.

On the other hand, if you wait too long to offer assistance the other person feels that you don't care.  For me knowing when to hold back and when to jump in with assistance is still hard to determine.  Sometimes I can tell from the person's reaction that I made the wrong choice.

If you do something for another person to help them out you can rob them of the pride of accomplishment.  Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is let them struggle on their own.  Then they feel joy when they succeed.  As a variety arts instructor I have to balance letting somebody learn by experience with preventing them from becoming so frustrated that they give up.

Sometimes letting somebody help you is a good deed in itself.  You cannot predict what the result will be.  At one of the Clown Camp ® reunion weeks I was the prop crew for a variety show.  The prop needs were simple and I could have easily handled it myself.  John Sheffield asked if he could help because he wanted to experience what it was like to work backstage.  I agreed and found jobs for him to do.  John discovered that he liked handling the technical aspects of a performance.  He went on to learn more about being part of the technical crew and has a better knowledge of that subject than I do.  Eventually I took a class John taught at Clown Camp ® on sound systems and learned a lot from him.  Several times he has been my technical person when I performed at variety arts conferences.

As Mark stated you want to do a good deed without creating the impression that your motive is proving how "good" you are.  When possible I like to do good deeds anonymously because that removes the suspicion that I am doing it just for my own glory.

It is not enough to just do good deeds.  They have to be done the right way.  How can you decide whether you should lend a hand or let them do it themselves?  How can you make them feel good about themselves?  How can you be caring without being condescending?  How can you provide encouragement instead of embarrassment?  When do you need to graciously accept assistance yourself?