The Grey Town Gazette 

News from the Urban Sprawl

December 2011 

Merry Crisismas
Ahhh...pretty poison stuff
Oooo...pretty poison stuff...!
Welcome to a bite-sized GTG to counter the season of excess

A Christmas Message

So here it is again: Crisismas!

Yes, the end of another year and a new crisis. Not just new but new new.. bigger and better than any crisis before! The EU in 'Meltdown' (oops...cliche!)

Are there no limits to the talents of our Ruling Classes and 'Masters of the Universe' Financiers? 

Just when things are getting dull they leap into inaction, facilitating some new exciting financial or political disaster to keep us all riveted to our TV screens and employment agency websites

But the GTG is sanguine about such things

We realise that our hapless politicians and economists need something to keep them busy, and we'd all rather they do that than have them sitting at the desk next to us!

But as long as the sun rises in the morning, bacon sandwiches are to hand and brewers keep doing what they do best, all is well in the universe

Other News
There isn't any!

So have a good one!

It's  Christmas, so here's another free picture!
Lego Tree
Lego Christmas Tree

The GTG:
 "because we know you care"

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on time!


We are sorry to break our traditional policy of lateness by publishing this edition of the GTG on time


We realise it might cause distress to our regular readers who are not used to such punctuality


The anomaly is caused by the discovery at CERN of the Higgs Boson particle, which has temporarily disturbed the space-time continuum south of Balham


Don't miss:
The Exciting New GTG Website!

Compelling Content
Click to a whole new world!


In the the last issue (GTG Nov) we published a  'News Round-Up' item that likened President Shortcozy of Vichy to a Goblin
We didn't realise the furore and upset this would cause, and we would humbly like to thank the thousands of readers who swamped our telephone lines and mail boxes expressing their angst and dismay at the item
It was never our intention to insult or upset Goblins
We apologise unreservedly to our readers and to Goblins everywhere for the justifiable anger at this slight and the depth of hurt felt
By way of penance we are making a substantial contribution to the British Goblin Benevolence Fund 
The GTG: always prepared to say sorry!

a Thought for Today


It's hard to see!
Transparently Boring
This issue's Theobabble comes from someone who isn't a Freedom Of Information advocate

"In the modern world it's said that 'transparency' is an essential requirement in all aspects of life, be it politics, finance, commerce, education or law

But surely, if everything were to be truly transparent, we wouldn't be able to see anything? "

 Quote for the


'Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money'


- Anon



(It's always Silly Season in Grey Town)

How enticing!


A roll that looks like a sh*t

Our thanks to regular GTG reader Daphne Higgs-Boson of Purley for sending us this amazingly funny picture taken in a health food cafe in Brussels

Do you have a picture of something really funny or amazing that you'd like to share with like minded GTG readers?

Like a surfboarding hamster perhaps? Or a root vegetable that looks like a male organ? Or a sumo wrestling team driving to work in a Smart Car?

Why not email it to the  editor
and if we're desperate for content we might even publish it!

 Higgs Boson Sensation!


Proof at last!


Scientists confirm what the Universe is made of:



1% matter


99% don't matter





From the GTG


Three Wise Beers
Behold! Three Wise Beers!



The GTG Christmas Appeal 2011

Pied Belges
(Belgian Foot)


Pied Belges 

A cruel debilitating disease associated with old Gits


First diagnosed in 1918 in the old Belgian town of Gits when an epidemic debilitated the entire German General Staff (leading, some say, to the collapse of the 2nd Spring Offensive and eventual German defeat), this tragic condition strikes down men in their prime


One day they are happily necking down litres of Westmalle and gallons of cider with their mates...then suddenly without warning they're struck down, reduced to supping hot cocoa in front of an electric fire, a tartan blanket over their knees


But you can help!


Please give generously:

 A mere £10
will buy a top up for the sufferer's mobile phone so that he can monitor his drinking friends' progress from afar


A modest £100 will pay for a nurse to massage his swollen protrusion


A generous £1,000 will buy a life-changing amputation of the irksome limb, enabling the veteran to join future drinking excursions without any worries he might let the side down



So don't delay, help a Veteran Drinker today!



PS. if you can't afford cash please send socks

The Christmas Spirit
'The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn't for religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin' 

- Jay Leno
 Local News

2012 preparations continue 

VIP benches installed at Grey Town East Station 
VIP arses only
VIPs only

Grey Town East Station, Dec 15th:
Preparations for the 2012 Olympics are continuing apace, with the latest exciting infrastructure developments being here in our very own town: new VIP benches have been installed at Grey Town East station a full 6 months ahead of schedule!
Costing £4,000 each, the ultra modern Swiss manufactured benches are made to the highest standards in surgical grade stainless steel with an exclusive platinum-plated finish. The unique design was commissioned after extensive consultation with the IOC


The benches, for the exclusive use of IOC officials and their families, pets and servants, will be screened off by protective fencing until the week before the commencement of the games


During the games the platform itself will of course be closed to members of the public


Grey Town Olympic Committee has issued an apology to regular commuters for any inconvenience caused, but assures the public that the benches will be removed, freeing up valuable platform space, just as soon as the games are over     


The Christmas Spirit
'The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband'

- Joan Rivers
 Eurozone Crisis


EU Tax Breakthrough! 


Compromise on 'Tobin Tax'


City off the hook as EU targets Tube Drivers



Tube Drivers in the frame as their earnings overtake City Bankers'
Gravy Train
Gravy Train

London/Brussels Mon, Dec 19th: 
There are signs of a thaw in the dispute between Britain and the Eurozone over the EU's proposed 'Tobin' tax on financial transactions
The threatened tax, which would disproportionately target the City of London, was a major contributing factor in Britain's decision to veto EU treaty amendments
But Brussels mandarins have proposed an alternative scheme 

Squeeze the rich
Rather than taxing financial transactions, Brussels will instead charge a levy on London tube drivers' earnings
This is because it's been realised that tube drivers are now amongst the best paid workers on the planet, eclipsing the former 'masters of the universe'
A straw poll conducted by the GTG indicates that the public, especially commuters, are broadly in favour of the new proposal 

The Christmas Spirit

'I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note attached saying, toys not included'

- Bernard Manning
In This Issue
Seasonal Cheers
Christmas Appeal: Pied Belges
Local News: 2012 VIP Benches
EU Tax Breakthrough: City off the hook
Downtime: Arts, Reviews, Food, Drink, Lifestyle
News Round-Up


Germany to rebuild the Berlin Wall 

Desperate attempt to stop Russians leaving
Berlin Dec 21st:
A leaked report shows that the German government has contingency plans to rebuild the Berlin Wall
The aim is to prevent wealthy Russians from fleeing with their money in the event of a financial and democratic collapse in the Eurozone
The move comes as the Eurozone has been moving towards financial chaos and technocratic government, whereas Russia is seeing an oil-fueled boom and the beginnings of a democratic renaissance 
Indigenous South Americans demand a return of the Falklands
(and of Argentina, Brazil, Uruguay, Chile.....)

Montevideo, Tues Dec 20th:
Inspired by demands from Argentina that Britain should return the Falkland Islands to it, a group representing surviving indigenous South Americans has demanded that the process should continue to it's logical conclusion and the islands be returned to them, along with the entire southern continent
Their logic is flawless, but it's execution could present huge logistical problems for Spain and Portugal: having to repatriate and house 500 million refugees would put immense fiscal and human strain on the two countries
iEer release delayed
Apple misses Christmas window with it's latest 'must have' product
Cupertino, Dec 22nd:
Apple fans are in despair at news that the company's latest must have gizmo will not be available until 2012 Q1
Now it' cool to be deaf
Billed as the coolest hearing aid on the planet, iEer is their long awaited product for customers who have been driven deaf by over use of their iPods
Although the secretive company has kept details under wraps, leaked details suggest the design sets a new paradigm for cochlear implants and there is already a long waiting list with priority being given to those who are the hardest of hearing
The company has had to deny rumours that some fanatical but not deaf fans have been deliberately gouging out their ear drums to get their hands on the product sooner 


The GTG Lifestyle Magazine

Arts - Reviews - Food - Drink - Lifestyle

Down time
R & R
Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle? 
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look! 


Product Reviews

Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as Wine, Food, Super Cars, Motor Yachts, or Lear Jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG?
We have taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting product, and providing our readers with  the comfort that our reviews accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor.
We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Level compatible with your budget, book a time slot and pay online, then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that!
Review Rating Price Scale**:
Coal (pants)            £50*
Charcoal (bearable)    £250*
Gravel (average)     £1,000*
Ash (good)           £5,000*
Platinum (ace)      £10,000*

Please email the Editor for further details.

* Strictly Cash in Advance
** Prices are not negotiable, unless we are drunk or happen to like you, or both
Things we like
Let's get on with it!
Off Your Chest
Like us, but talented!
The Grooveworkers
Not sure they still exist...
The Beau Thai &
The Triangle Tavern
Both worth the trip to the edge of
the World
Lowlander Grand Cafe
Beer, beer, beer!

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Its not as bad as you think!
Small print:

Copyright 2011 The Ministry of Light.


All Rights Reserved etc.


The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, c/o Borg International, Croydon



The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable by design and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental


The Ministry of Light - Croydon's Leading Think Tank


The Grey Town Gazette - Spreading the Truth through Enlightened Disinformation