The Grey Town Gazette
News from the Urban Sprawl
Sep - Nov 2011
Home Town, Home Page
Yes: it's arrived! The World Wide Web has finally reached the point where it's good enough to host the GTG! We could have been churlish and stick to our traditional email format, but we feel it's only fair that we should help contribute to the web's success
So our boffins have been busy doing what boffins do (more than can be said for our copy writers...) and have created an exciting new website for the GTG!
And they've done a cracking job, creating a visually enticing and intellectually stimulating ecosystem where you'll find the GTG's bulging back-catalogue of news items, special features and Downtime reviews. Every article as relevant today as the day it was first published!
But traditionalist fear not, the GTG is not abandoning it's roots: it will continue to be distributed by email, delivering the latest news, comment and insight almost before it's happened. News that's news because you've never read it before!
Europe goes it alone
Yes, plucky little Europe has decided to turn it's back on the encroaching Anglo Saxon world opting to go it alone, forming it's own little sanctuary where endangered nations can hide from their predators, the Wicked World Markets
All of this paid for by generous benefactors in Germany, Holland, and the new State of Vichy
In celebration and to wish them luck in their brave adventure, the GTG has put together this special Euro-centric edition!
The GTG: "because we know you care"
Editor's statement to new readers: please be reassured that the excessive use of gushing prose and italics in this editorial are at the insistence of our marketing department and do not reflect our normal standards of style or taste
We are sorry for the late publication of this edition of the GTG
This is a side effect of the new Two Speed Europe
It's less than a week since Britain's veto and already we're three months behind
Look out Greece!
Would Angela Merkel look sexy in jackboots?
Well...I guess we'll soon find out!
Has anybody thought to ask the voters of Germany, France, The Netherlands et al what they think about spending the next twenty years paying for le Grand Projet Européen?
Or about seeing the value of their electoral vote diluted by a factor of 2 by all the voters in the countries they'll be paying for?
100% Recyclable GTG
If you want to recycle this publication just hit delete!
It's that easy!
Quote for the
'all men having power ought to be distrusted to a certain degree'
- James Madison
a Thought for Today
The Bacon Sandwich
Could it save the World?
Tastier than an olive branch
This month's Theobabble comes from someone who believes the meaning of life can be found in a bacon sandwich:
"It's a cliche to blame religious differences for causing wars, but the simple fact is that in many parts of the world they do. Or at least they provide an excuse for carrying on and on and on and on with a futile conflictAnd more often than not, the feelings of animosity and aggression are reinforced by rival groups' dogmatic devotion to outdated rituals and traditions Whether or not there's a deity, it's highly unlikely that a god worthy of the name would give two hoots about what we eat for breakfast. After all, the universe is very big and I'm sure that kicking off the next supernova or fine tuning a pulsar is much more fun than checking our culinary habitsSo, instead of identifying ourselves through dogmatic rules and practices and then using these as an excuse for killing each other, perhaps it would be better to chuck out all the past-their-sell-by-date rituals and instead of fighting get on with designing star ships?As a symbolic start, why not have a bacon sandwich for breakfast? Pork might have been potentially harmful if you lived in a desert in the 14th century, but now you're more likely to die eating a chickenSo go on...you know you want to!"
(It's always Silly Season in Grey Town)
Another tomato that doesn't look like Hitler!
Do you have a picture of something really
funny or amazing that you'd like to share with like minded GTG readers?
Like a surfboarding hamster perhaps? Or a root vegetable that looks like a male organ? Or a sumo wrestling team driving to work in a Smart Car?
Why not email it to the Editor
and if we're desperate for content we might even publish it!
Def of the Day
A phrase we can all
The tendency for people to prefer smaller rewards now to bigger ones later
(Ref. New Scientist Nov 12 2011)
Times are hard. And like high streets up and down the land the GTG is suffering too
A lack of liquidity in the creativity department has left this prime piece of front page real estate languishing and empty... a sad, ghostly echo of former glories
But every crisis creates an opportunity for the brave.. a chance for entrepreneurs to fill the vacuum and plant the seeds of recovery
So be bold, take out a lease on this plot and make your fame and fortune!
Apply now to the Editor!
(bids to be submitted with cash. Strictly no Greek or Italian Euros, and no charity shops)
Au revoir!..and thanks for all the cheese!
(oh, and the beer!)
UK declines to join
'Merkozy World' theme park
When you realise you're the only sane ones in the asylum, it's time to leave!
|Man the barricades! Europe raises the drawbridge|
Brussels, Dec 9th:
After an intensive 11 hour meeting of EU leaders, the UK has declined to join the EU's hysterical (sorry, we mean historical) plan for a new Euro Theme Park, called Merkozy World
The bold plan by the 'Core Countries'(Germany and it's obedient ally Vichy) is to form a Grand Alliance between all the old European countries creating a sanctuary where Europe's fine traditions, myriad cultures, and political elite can be protected from the nasty market driven world outside
But we're too young to retire!
The UK, which was only invented in 1066 by French speaking Norwegians has decided it's not ready to retire and be put out to pasture like the senior citizens Greece and Rome, and so has opted to play it safe and stay in the Real World
Poison Dwarf has hissy fit
Reports are that President Shortkozy of Vichy was particularly upset when the UK decided not to join the venture, but he at least has the consolation of knowing he should soon be enjoying retirement himself
In the Christmas edition of the GTG:
(note: we can't say which Christmas)
In or Out
Fast or Slow
Big or Small
Top or Bottom
Alone or in a Group
Which is best?
Don't miss our special Econofog Report on Britain and the Eurozone!
Also featuring our special Christmas Appeal and lot's of seasonal cheer! Hitting a mailbox near you soon!
|Tent City Latest
St Paul's reopens as Eurozone Refugee Camp
Church Authorities hope to cash-in on expected flood of refugees escaping the sinking Euro-Titanic
"It's an example of how Britain will continue to stand behind the EU", hails PM
Dale Farm evictees also welcome
|Brave New World|
London, Sun Dec 11th:
Building on the unprecedented success of the OLSX (Occupy London Stock Exchange) love-in for geographically-challenged protestors, the St Paul's authorities have indicated they want to expand their services to include accommodation for an expected flood of Euro-zone refugees
St Paul's is well placed to cash in: It's located in the heart of Europe's only credible financial centre, the City of London; it's a short hop from the Eurostar Terminal and City Airport; and it's handy for the West End
Other cities could benefit too. After several decades in the doldrums it at last looks like the Anglican church has found a practical and potentially profitable use for it huge and (until recently) under utilised property portfolio: well-located but cost-effective camp sites for for Europe's beleaguered citizens and Britain's burgeoning Protest Industry
Global Anti-Globalization Movement isn't Moving
The present occupants at St Paul's however are refusing to move on. Like students everywhere they find it impossible to get out of bed, and being unable to read the newspapers they are still under the delusion that the rest of society is interested in their cause
Public Sector Pensions
Strikers enjoy a day of Unindustrial Rest
We see where you're coming from
UK Nov 30th:
Britain's latest day of pensions protest has been hailed an unqualified success by all sides:
- The unions boasted it was the biggest day of mass protest since the Winter of Discontent (obviously forgetting that led directly to the election of the Thatcher government...slow learners or what?)
- The government meanwhile claimed public services were running 'business as usual' (ie. rubbish)
- The majority of strikers had a nice day at home, at the pub or Christmas shopping (good for the economy)
It's not me me me...honest
- And the rest of the country carried on as usual (well, somebody has to pay for it all)
Showing a grasp of economics that only an intelligent elite can understand, the protestors insist that the debate is not just about public sector pensions, but about those in the private sector too
Hurrah! Everybody is entitled to a full and proper pension, paid for by somebody else!
You can't say fairer than that
(rhymes with Eurozone..geddit?)
|Too many cooks cooking the books|
How many Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know! But we do know it takes three* presidents to to run a dysfunctional Empire:
- President of the European Council: Herman Van Rompuy
- President of the European Commission: José Manuel Barroso
- Presidency of the Council of the European Union: Poland
When it comes to achievement: three x zero = zero!
* not for long! ...coming soon: President number 4 - President of the Eurozone - that'll fix it!
Kids Concerned about the Recession
They're worried that their victims won't be able to afford cool stuff for them to nick
But you are expected to pay!
London Nov 14th:
100 days after the summer riots (Grey Town Blitz
)an official enquiry has concluded that the primary cause of the unrest was a sense of despair amongst Britain's disaffected yoof about the state of the economy and the effect that the bleak macro-economic outlook might have on their career prospectsIt's deprivation, innit
Apparently the kids were concerned that the adult working population might soon no longer be able to afford any cool bling for them to nick, which would leave a whole generation of gangsta wannabes with no street cred whatsoever
This left the poor mites with no choice but to go out and grab stuff before it all ran out
Exam Cheating Shock!
Teachers accused of teaching pupils how to pass exams
Training Airline Pilots how to fly?
"and remember kids, if you get stuck just use your smartphone"
London Dec 8th:
Academics, politicians and social commentators are in shock at news that teachers in England and Wales have been surreptitiously teaching their pupils to pass exams
It's not cricket to win
This flies in the face of traditional British Establishment values: it's just not on to be good at anything. Especially if it's relevant to your career or the prosperity of the country
The Education Department has been quick to reiterate it's official position:
"Children go to school to learn important things like the Classics, Politics, Gender Awareness and Welsh. It's not about making them employable!
"Teaching them how to be successful as efficiently as possible just isn't British. Those are the sort of underhand tricks the Japanese, Chinese, Americans and Germans play...and look where it's got them!
"teaching pupils how to pass exams is the thin end of the wedge...where will it all end? Pilots who know how to fly? Industrialists who can take on the World?"
Speed of Light Sensation Update
New Evidence Supports Opera Results
Speed of Light can be exceeded!
Cash flowing from Italy to Switzerland so fast it arrives before it's left
A Quantum Qorner/Econofog Special Joint Report
London Nov 14th:
Back in September Scientists working at the Opera collaboration stunned the world when they announced they might have observed neutrinos traveling faster than the speed of light
The particles had been transmitted from CERN near Geneva to a detector at Gran Sasso in Italy and appeared to have arrived sooner than was possible
The scientists asked their peers to assist in proving or disproving the results
But before any new experiments could even get off the ground the findings have been corroborated by a most unlikely source
In a bizarrely symmetrical scenario, International Bankers have shown electrons can pass in the opposite direction - from Italy to Switzerland - at several times the speed of light: bank wire transfers from Italy to Zurich have been observed to arrive before they were even sent!
Initially observers were skeptical and wrote off the findings as merely a spurious side-effect of yet another unfathomably exotic financial instrument, but having checked the relevant wire transfers independent auditors have confirmed that money can indeed travel faster than light
Beam me up Scotty! (oh, and give me fifty million euro cash-back while you're at it!)
Grey Town Fashion
Week Bucks Recession
Mass Rally of Fashionistas pronounced an overwhelming success
Do I look anti Semitic in this?
Grey Town, Mon Sept 19th:
Shrugging aside the unfortunate xenophobic rantings and public shaming of one of their leading lights the World's High Priests of Fashion led their devoted legions into Grey Town for the annual Grey Town Fashion Week
Some naysayers thought the unfortunate affair in Paris might put a dampener on proceedings but, luckily for all their ardent followers, the aesthetic elite maintained their poise, presiding confident-as-ever over the rituals of mutual self-congratulation. And, to be fair to the latest Enfant Terrible, the Paris incident should be seen in the context of the wholesome exploits of the designer's even more illustrious predecessors: Hugo 'dressed the Nazis' Boss and Coco 'undressed the Nazis' Chanel
Size Zero and shrinking
Nor were proceedings dampened by the turmoil in the World economy
After all, every cloud has a silver lining. Even a recession has it's bright sides: people have less money to squander on food, meaning lots more size zero customers demanding the latest practical fashions! And even better, market uncertainty gives sweat shops in Asia and Tower Hamlets a great excuse to knock down wages!
And let's not forget, during times of austerity it's the duty of the affluent and gifted to splash their cash and share their intellectual insights with the little people who admire and owe them so much
It's just sooo wonderful darling!
Immigrants at UK Airports will be asked to check their own documents
Self-Certification the latest cost-cutting ideaLondon Nov 8th:
In an effort to reduce costs and cut queues at passport control the UK Border Agency is running a pilot scheme to test a new system under which asylum seekers and economic migrants will be responsible for checking their own immigration paperwork and for ensuring that they and their extended family meet all of the UK's strict immigration criteria
The agency says it accepts that this might add an unacceptable burden for the applicants to endure, and so each migrant will be given £500 (+ £50 each for wives, £75 each for children and £250 each for pets) as compensation for their trouble
However, Civil Rights groups are not happy, issuing a joint statement: "this is outrageous: it is simply not fair to give immigrants the impression they will have to work when they arrive in the UK"
Despair as Burlesque Tony leaves the Circus
World depressed that the funniest clown is leaving the show
Obtuse Angela and Shorty Sarko just can't compete
Rome Nov 12th:
Children everywhere are in a state of shock at news that the Eurozone's funniest and best loved clown, Italy's Smoothio Burlesque-Tony is hanging up his long boots and funny hat (I think you'll find that's actually his hair - Ed) to spend more time with his lawyers
The remaining troop, led by Obtuse Angela and her pet goblin Shorty Sarko, are putting on brave faces but we all know it just won't be the same, and the show will surely end in tears
Press Ethics Enquiry
Reclusive Self-Publicists Line-up to demand privacy
The UK's fans of celeb culture are being given a rare treat as a stellar procession of Britain's most reclusive and introverted celebrities take the opportunity to grandstand at a government enquiry, generously giving the media opportunity to rake over lurid half-forgotten stories from their illustrious pasts
It's all about their privacy apparently
Greek Government tries Musical Chairs to boost economy
Athens, Oct 1st:
Inspired by the Federal Reserve's repeat of it's 1961 flop the 'Twist' Greece is trying it's own fiscal dance variant: Musical Chairs
Bond holders must dance around diminishing reserves to win right to be repaid. The last creditors left with a seat will get the lot (about 50 euros)
The GTG Lifestyle Magazine
Arts - Reviews - Food - Drink - Lifestyle
Tripel + Dubbel = Trubbel
A blend of Westmalle Tripel and Dubbel
Creator: Cafe Trappisten Westmalle
Style: Whatever you want it to be
Strength: 7.5-8% ABV depending on mix
AI Value:* 8
Killer App: Causes spontaneous texting in tongues
Medicinal Qualities: Cures introversion
Tasting notes: 2 + 3 = 10
Grey Scale Rating:** Platinum
Wt Relativity Index*** 9.9
Pimp my Dubbel: a beguiling mix of Westmalle Tripel and Dubbel, nominally in 50:50 proportions
As far as we know this 'cocktail beer' was created at the Cafe Trappisten Westmalle, the 'official' bar of the Brouwerij der Trappisten van Westmalle, just across the road from the entrance to the Abbey itself, giving the beverage a definite seal of respectability For the name we have to thank the ever helpful Danish Waitress from Preston (Downtime April 2011), who's insightful merging of the constituent beer names into the neat and oh-so descriptive handle 'Trubbel' shows an impressive command of linguistics, mathematics and beer science
What's so special?
There's a clue in the name. Not as strong as the Tripel, yet with more body and bite than the Dubbel, the Trubbel is a spectacular 'session beer' that inspires a collective sense of purpose in any group
Within a round or two everybody's spirits will be lifted, and if atmospheric conditions are right, everyone is compelled, as if by some ethereal force, to spontaneously reach out to the World through the medium of 'texting out of context'
Some people might disapprove, but we like it!
A key parameter in the temporal equation defining (perceived) Drink Time. Ref. Alcohol Induced Time Dilation Effect, 'Quantum Qorner' section GTG Dec 2009'
** The official GTG product review rating scale:
a higher resolution drink-specific rating comparing beverages to the benchmark Westmalle Tripel, which itself rates the theoretical maximum of 10, with Platinum rated brews being in the range 9-10. Ref. Featured Beverage 'Downtime' section GTG April 2011
Why don't any of my tomatoes look like Hitler?
Sir, it's outrageous! I've been buying fruit and veg for over 40 years and in all that time I've never seen a fruit or a vegetable that looks anything like Hitler. Or Jesus. Or even a penis! My grandfather fought in the war you know, and my wife works for the council and I think that entitles me to have at least one sighting of a funny shaped tuber. I'd even settle for a potato that looks like Angela Merkel. It's just not fair, other people get all the fun! Angry of Selsdon.
I blame the Germans
Muy señor mío, this whole European mess is entirely the fault of the Germans. If they weren't so efficient and hard working they wouldn't keep showing the rest of us up, and we could all support each other, as equals, in a Collective European Socialist Super State, paid for by taxing all the greedy bankers from America and England. It would be wonderful. J.M. Barroso, Brussels.
Ello! Ce qui wrong avec you? Why pensez-you rôtie beefs gâcher la party again eh? Silly Angleterre peu. You devez réaliser votre empire a disparu et votre avenir is in Europe, paying des impôts bancaire pour payer our fromage et de faire comme vous êtes dit (like les Italiens et les Grecs)! N. Sarkozy, Vichy
Je blâme the bloody anglais
It's all the fault of the Normans
Sir, all this trouble in the world has been caused by the Normans. If they hadn't conquered Britain in 1066 we'd all still be Welsh and the Anglo-Saxon market driven economy would never have been invented, and obviously we'd all be much better off. Is it too late to get compensation? Evans the dole, Merthyr Tydfil
I don't look like a potato!
And I'm not obtuse! But I do look sexy in jackboots ;-) A. Merkel, Berlin
Too many cliches
Dear Sir, I think this edition of the GTG is not up to your usual exemplary standards. It has too many references to Germany, Hitler and cliched English jokes about World War II and the French. Please grow up and stop being silly. H.A. Kissinger (Dr), Washington DC
I blame Hugo Boss
It's all Hugo Boss' fault, this whole obsession with the Nazis. He made he them look cool and irresistible, strutting around is their sexy black uniforms. If they'd had silly uniforms like the Italians, or boring ones like the Russians nobody would be interested in them. Not even me. C. Chanel, Paris
Has anybody seen my pussy?
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We have taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting product, and providing our readers with the comfort that our reviews accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor. We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Level compatible with your budget, book a time slot and pay online, then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that! Review Rating Price Scale**: Coal (pants) £50*Charcoal (bearable) £250*Gravel (average) £1,000*Ash (good) £5,000*Platinum (ace) £10,000*Please email the Editor for further details.* Strictly Cash in Advance
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The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, c/o Borg International, Croydon
The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable by design and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental
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