Britain's latest day of pensions protest has been hailed an unqualified success by all sides:

• The unions boasted it was the biggest day of mass protest since the Winter of Discontent (obviously forgetting that led directly to the election of the Thatcher government...slow learners or what?)

• The government meanwhile claimed public services were running 'business as usual' (ie. rubbish)

• The majority of strikers had a nice day at home, at the pub or Christmas shopping (good for the economy)

• And the rest of the country carried on as usual (well, somebody has to pay for it all)

It's not me me me...honest!  

Showing a grasp of economics that only an intelligent elite can understand, the protestors insist that the debate is not just about public sector pensions, but about those in the private sector too

 

Hurrah! Everybody is entitled to a full and proper pension, paid for by somebody else!

 

You can't say fairer than that      

 

100 days after the summer riots (Grey Town Blitz)an official enquiry has concluded that the primary cause of the unrest was a sense of despair amongst Britain's disaffected yoof about the state of the economy and the effect that the bleak macro-economic outlook might have on their career prospects

It's deprivation, innit
Apparently the kids were concerned that the adult working population might soon no longer be able to afford any cool bling for them to nick, which would leave a whole generation of gangsta wannabes with no street cred whatsoever

This left the poor mites with no choice but to go out and grab stuff before it all ran out   

Academics, politicians and social commentators are in shock at news that teachers in England and Wales have been surreptitiously teaching their pupils to pass exams  

It's not cricket to win
This flies in the face of traditional British Establishment values: it's just not on to be good at anything. Especially if it's relevant to your career or the prosperity of the country

The Education Department has been quick to reiterate it's official position:

"Children go to school to learn important things like the Classics, Politics, Gender Awareness and Welsh. It's not about making them employable!

"Teaching them how to be successful as efficiently as possible just isn't British. Those are the sort of underhand tricks the Japanese, Chinese, Americans and Germans play...and look where it's got them!

"teaching pupils how to pass exams is the thin end of the wedge...where will it all end? Pilots who know how to fly? Industrialists who can take on the World?"

Quite   

Back in September Scientists working at the Opera collaboration stunned the world when they announced they might have observed neutrinos traveling faster than the speed of light

The particles had been transmitted from CERN near Geneva to a detector at Gran Sasso in Italy and appeared to have arrived sooner than was possible

The scientists asked their peers to assist in proving or disproving the results

But before any new experiments could even get off the ground the findings have been corroborated by a most unlikely source

In a bizarrely symmetrical scenario, International Bankers have shown electrons can pass in the opposite direction - from Italy to Switzerland - at several times the speed of light: bank wire transfers from Italy to Zurich have been observed to arrive before they were even sent!

Initially observers were skeptical and wrote off the findings as merely a spurious side-effect of yet another unfathomably exotic financial instrument, but having checked the relevant wire transfers independent auditors have confirmed that money can indeed travel faster than light

Beam me up Scotty! (oh, and give me fifty million euro cash-back while you're at it!)     

Grey Town, Mon Sept 19th:

Shrugging aside the unfortunate xenophobic rantings and public shaming of one of their leading lights the World's High Priests of Fashion led their devoted legions into Grey Town for the annual Grey Town Fashion Week

 

Some naysayers thought the unfortunate affair in Paris might put a dampener on proceedings but, luckily for all their ardent followers, the aesthetic elite maintained their poise, presiding confident-as-ever over the rituals of mutual self-congratulation. And, to be fair to the latest Enfant Terrible, the Paris incident should be seen in the context of the wholesome exploits of the designer's even more illustrious predecessors: Hugo 'dressed the Nazis' Boss and Coco 'undressed the Nazis' Chanel   

     

Size Zero and shrinking 

Nor were proceedings dampened by the turmoil in the World economy

 

After all, every cloud has a silver lining. Even a recession has it's bright sides: people have less money to squander on food, meaning lots more size zero customers demanding the latest practical fashions! And even better, market uncertainty gives sweat shops in Asia and Tower Hamlets a great excuse to knock down wages!

 

And let's not forget, during times of austerity it's the duty of the affluent and gifted to splash their cash and share their intellectual insights with the little people who admire and owe them so much

 

It's just sooo wonderful darling!