Across Britain thousands of students are marching to raise public awareness of the excessive funds squandered on 'Higher Education'

The public-spirited youngsters have turned their backs on the opportunity to spend another day dossing in bed waiting for the pub to open and instead have braved the cold weather and the prospect of being kettled just so that they can get their message across: Higher Education is expensive and nobody wants to pay for it, least of all those who will benefit directly from it

The present system was introduced by the last government as a progressive alternative to youth unemployment. Unfortunately it's only served to delay the inevitable as waves of highly qualified media specialists, environmental technologists, and Elvis-studies alumni flood the job market, fighting for the few available openings stacking shelves and delivering pizzas whilst at the same time wondering how they will service levels of debt previously not seen this side of the Irish Sea

The current system, which is restricted to only the very top 60% of teenagers, is proving unexpectedly more expensive than the old one, which based on the now obsolete concept of academic ability attempted to educate just 5% of students to degree level

Despite adopting new logos and building state of the art campuses with wind-turbines and on-site Starbucks the former night schools, dance academies and special-needs colleges that make up the bulk of Britain's university sector have been unable to attract the investment* needed to fund 2 million students through 3 years of binge drinking

The youngsters clearly understand this and are to be commended for raising taxpayers' awareness

*does not apply to Scottish universities which are of course paid for by English taxpayers

London's Tube workers held another 24-hour strike  in their long running campaign to save the jobs of '800' colleagues who they claim are being rounded up and sent to death camps. London Transport management contest this view, claiming that 'about half' the 800 (that's approximately 400 by the way - Ed) have already accepted gilt-edged life-pensions and retired to Monaco, Geneva and the Bahamas

The union maintains that the dispute is actually about safety: the reduction in numbers might mean the remaining staff having to to work for more than 6 months a year. Scientific tests have shown that if LU staff are forced to work more than one day in two, or for more than 2 hours in a row they become really tired and all the trains crash.

The pirates have had a good year with bumper ransom receipts and want to capitalise on these by investing for future growth.


This is good news for the pirates' future hostages because they will now be assured of comfortable accommodation while they are held captive (which is likely to be for a very long time).


Footnote: concerns that the sale of the Harrier jets to the rebels could destabilize the balance of power in the horn of Africa have proved unfounded: shortly after the jets arrived local tribesmen stole the planes' tires, rendering the aircraft unusable.