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The Grey Town Gazette |
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News from the Urban Sprawl
June - July (and a bit) 2010 Late Edition
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Editorial Announcement
Publication Delayed by Good Weather
Grey Town AD 2070? |
We apologize for the late publication of this edition of the GTG.
We decided that sitting by a pool with a Martini in hand is more compelling than sitting at a keyboard in a stuffy room.
We do hope you understand*
New in this issue:
Here at the GTG we're forever striving to enhance your life and we're pleased to say that despite our summer torpor we've managed to bring you two new features!
Our new Rant Spot
Hob and the team help you make the most of your problems
We just know these will enhance your life!
Ed.
* if you don't, you're reading the wrong publication |
Having difficulty reading this issue in all its glory?
The GTG is best viewed using your Web Browser. Try clicking on the link at the top of the news letter. |
Theobabble
a Thought for Today
A reader has a seminal moment at the Porterhouse Covent Garden
Deep Thought |
How big is God?
"Have you ever wondered just how big God is?
Its something I find myself pondering as I down my 3rd or 4th pint of stout.
It occurs to me that if God really is God and really made the galaxies, the sun, the earth , the moon, human beings, animals, plants, gushing oil wells, Tony Blair and everything we see around us it suggests he must be smaller than the universe. Otherwise there wouldn't be any room left for Him to put all this stuff. And what's more He'd probably need a God-sized shed or a garage where he can bang the bits together.
If that's the case, then He can't be all-seeing because He isn't everywhere at once. He's a big fish sharing a pond with us tiny minnows and all our detritus, which must make for a dull way to pass eternity.
On the other hand, perhaps God really is infinite and all-seeing and fills the whole universe with his allbeingness. That would mean we are actually a part of Him. Perhaps he created us in the same way we grow toenails?
But if God really is as big as everything then He's destined to an eternal life of introspection trapped inside His own existence...with us as one of His toenails!
Poor God. Either way, it looks like he got a bit of a raw deal."
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'The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom'
William Blake
(I'm still waiting for the wisdom bit - Ed)
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Stand on the Right!
 The GTG Rant Spot
It means you! |
What is it with those dorks who block tube station escalators during rush hour by standing on the left?
Not only do they fail to see the obvious 'Stand on the right' signs but they also fail to understand why everybody else either is standing on the right or huffing and puffing behind them, trying to get past.
Often these drips are babbling to their equally bright friends, or waving at similar cretins on the adjacent escalator.
Then when they get to the top they stop and have a look around! Dohh!
...and when you practically fall over them they look all hurt and upset!
How do they feed themselves?
Angry of Knightsbridge
Maybe they're just 'special'? Or tourists? much the same thing -Ed
Do you have something that really annoys you, that you would like to have a good rant about? Why not email the Editor and if he's not feeling too grumpy we might even publish it. |
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A GTG Public Service Feature
Facebook-Free Zone
Doctors are concerned that Facebook and other social networking services are taking over people's lives. They say users are becoming addicted to sending and receiving constant streams of worthless information.
The GTG is a socially responsible organization, dedicated to your wellbeing, so we have created this special Facebook-free zone of peace and tranquility where you can rest your weary fingers whilst protected from the constant bombardments of noise and drivel produced by your friends.
Its been specially designed by our web-boffins to contain no links to Facebook or any other social networking services.
Sophisticated filters ensure that absolutely no news feeds or facile alerts can be seen in this column.
While you are reading this we guarantee you won't be pinged, poked, tagged, asked to buy pets or farm animals, or invited into yet another pointless group*
We hope it feels good.
If you do wish to access Facebook please respect the sensibilities of your fellow readers and go to a designated area outside the boundaries of this column.
Thank you.
The GTG - putting our readers first!
* we do, of course, reserve the right to use Facebook for commercial gain at some time in the future, if it suits us - Ed |
Advertorial
Sneak Preview
Exclusive to GTG Readers
iDontCare
If you've enjoyed the peace and quiet of the above Facebook-Free column you might want to try our cool new iPhone app: iDontCare
Completely free, this exciting app features absolutely no Facebook support but nevertheless allows you to kill time by looking at random computer generated gibberish, indistinguishable from the tosh sent by your friends. How cool is that?
Be sure to check out future editions of the GTG for launch details! |
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Coalition Government
Post Honeymoon Assessment
A picture paints a thousand words
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It's The'70s Again!
Public Sector Strikes Promised
Rent-a-Mob Bookings Up 75%
BBC to Celebrate with Kojak Re-runs
Marching into the Past! |
London July 30th:
Union leaders can hardly contain their glee. After a couple of decades in the wilderness, when many people had assumed - hoped even - they had become extinct, it looks like events are conspiring to revive the undead dinosaurs of Britain's industrial past.
After 25 years of more or less constant economic growth including 13 years of spendthrift labour government it looked like there was no longer a role for the former firebrands of industrial dissent. But a serendipitous combination of a bankrupt economy, a conservative-leaning government, and increasingly banal television has created a 'perfect storm' for a re-run of the 1970s.
Trouble Ooop'Mill, or Last Chance Saloon?
The champions of the proletariat have at last been given an opportunity to justify their 6-figure salaries. Once again they can raise the red flag and lead their armies of devoted lemmings in a crusade against the three tyrants of modern society: free-market capitalism; globalization; and common sense.
On the other hand, it might just be that they realize this is their last chance to exert any influence whatsoever, before all of their members are made redundant rendering them, the union leaders, a total irrelevance.
Whatever, this time around the government is ready and prepared. Insiders report that special legislation is being rushed through parliament aimed at curtailing and preventing a re-run of some of the worst excesses of the 70s: platform shoes, Vesta curries and playing Bee Gees songs in public will all be banned.
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A Handy Guide to the Budget
Spot the Economy |
Westminster, Tues June 22nd:
George and Vince show who's boss
Yes, the new boys are in town! Keen to mark their territory and determined to show everybody how tough they are.
They're the Firm, 'firm but fair', with a popular mandate to return Britain's finances to the halcyon days of the Major government.
You'll be ok so long as you follow their rules, or move to Canada.
But how does the budget affect you? The GTG's financial wizards have poured over the detail and produced this handy guide to the budget:
How the Budget Affects You:
Rich B**tard
Tax: No change - you'll continue to avoid it
Benefits: Many. But they don't involve filling in forms
Impact: None. You'll leave the country
High Earner
Tax: Up
Benefits: Down
Impact: None. You'll give yourself a pay rise
Middle Earner
Tax: Up
Benefits: Down
Impact: You're going to be poor
Low Earner
Tax: Not for long
Benefits: Start applying
Impact: You'll be made redundant
Non Earner
Tax: No change - you'll continue to receive it
Benefits: Down
Impact: You'll have to have more kids to maintain your income |
The End of the Beginning
Crisis reaches its long awaited anti-climax - this one really will be over by Christmas
Media losing interest:
Its now almost as boring as the one in Iraq
Tide Turns for BP: company cleared of responsibility for the Slave Trade
Oily fish is good for you, they say
Galveston Texas, Aug 2nd:
There are increasing signals that 100-day Gulf War is entering a transition phase.
BP has accepted its principal responsibility and made financial provisions to cover the entire cost of cleaning up the President's image to its pristine pre-disaster state.
They have even started to achieve some positive results on the secondary priority of stemming the flow and capturing the leaked oil.
The number of new photo opportunities has dwindled as local wildlife has either been killed-off or, in the case of the smarter species, moved to better neighborhoods.
Consequently interest by the media is waning, with many in the know saying that the leading networks and agencies are now openly looking for a new crisis to report on.
Providing additional evidence of its declining importance, the president despatched his wife to handle the latest on-the-scene publicity
Some US politicians, desperate to keep the band wagon rolling, are fighting a brave rear-guard action by implicating BP in a string of recent world disasters but anecdotal evidence suggests that the crisis is abating and will now enter a long drawn out end-game in the US Courts.
Crisis Round-Up - the latest developments
Britain Recalls Fleet of 'Little Ships' sent to Rescue BP Employees off the Beaches of Louisiana
The fleet of little ships despatched to rescue BP's British workers from the beaches of Louisiana has been turned back. This comes after successful peace talks between Britain's new Prime Minister 'Dave' and President Obama.
Many of the laid-off workers had in any case escaped to Florida and Las Vegas to ride out the hostilities in bars and country clubs.
BP to rebrand itself "Beyond Pollution"
BP is said to be considering changing its corporate slogan from 'Beyond Petroleum' to 'Beyond Pollution'.
Congress Demands BP pays compensation for lost oil taxes
Capitol Hill politicians are launching a class-action law suit demanding that BP must compensate the government tax revenues lost as a result of the blow out and subsequent moratorium on drilling. The US government is the single biggest stakeholder in the US oil industry, receiving cumulatively trillions of dollars in tax. Quite reasonably, it doesn't want to lose any income as a result of the disaster. To do so could damage its ability to bail out Wall Street or finance wars in rival oil producing regions.
BP cleared of participation in the slave trade.
A Senate hearing has cleared BP of direct involvement in the slave trade, declaring that the evidence was inconclusive. It helped BP's case that the firm was not founded until 93 years after the international slave trade had officially ended, although many activists argue that alone doesn't absolve BP's shareholders of responsibility for the actions of their forebears.
Energy Future: dirty oil to be replaced with nice clean heavy metals
President Obama, cementing his reputation as a creative and original thinker, has repeated the aspirations of presidents Carter, Bush-the-Elder, Clinton and Bush-Minor and asked the American people to move on from their 'addiction' to oil.
In a visionary statement, the president said he looks forward to a future when the USA is free of its dependence on dirty, dangerous oil and will instead satisfy all of its energy needs from alternative sources. In practice this is likely to mean using modern clean sources such as coal and plutonium for power generation, and lithium, lead and other heavy metals for powering electric cars.
A White House spokesman emphasized that these materials are inherently safe: they have never been known to kill any pelicans or dolphins (with the exception perhaps of any dolphins that might have been hanging around Bikini Atoll in the '50s).
Oil Spill Bad for Dolphins; Good for Sharks
Environmentalists have warned that the gulf oil slick is very bad for dolphins. But demonstrating the wonderful adaptability of nature, its likely to be very good for lawyers. |
Euro Zone Crisis
EU to Outlaw Financial Risk
Banks will not be allowed to handle money
ECB to print more cash to meet interest payments
Euro to be backed by Cheese Reserves
National Assets |
Brussels, Wed July 7th : The Eurozone Finance Ministers today announced a raft of measures to address market concerns over quality of Euro member countries' sovereign debt and the health of their banks.
After careful analysis over lunch the technocrats have concluded that all the problems are the result of two principal causes:
1. Naive governments were duped by greedy bankers
Private sector banks driven by 'Anglo Saxon' market principals forced unwanted loans on reluctant southern European governments, principally Greece, Spain, Portugal and Italy.
These vulnerable, sub-prime governments were bombarded with all kinds of devious offers such as interest free purchases for the first 12 months, low cost balance transfers, and automatic credit increases if they spent over their limits. According the the ECB, what they weren't shown was the small print where it said they would eventually have to pay the money back. Explaining the new rules, an ECB spokesman commented: 'its outrageous that these callous financial institutions could take advantage of native governments. That's why we have no choice but to legislate.'
2. The World's Financial Markets are far too risky
The committee decided money is far too valuable be left in the hands of the private sector. Only governments and state institutions can be trusted to look after their citizens' cash and guarantee stability and eternal growth and prosperity for everyone.
To address these concerns Eurozone countries are rushing through emergency fiscal rules, included a raft of banking regulations, principally:
i. Banks banned from handling money. Private sector banks will no longer be allowed to handle money or sell financial products unless they have at least two ex government ministers as directors.
ii. Increased taxation to transfer money out of the (risky) private sector into the (safe) hands of the state.
iii. Print more Euros to enable the individual governments to meet their interest payments.
iv. Pull out of the international money markets. These can't be relied upon to support European ideals. Instead the Euro will be maintained at a fixed exchange rate, supported with one of Europe's most valuable assets: the Strategic Cheese Reserve.
Cheese Sticking Point
Deliberations continue however as to what relative values should be given to Europe's myriad cheeses, with the French objecting to Dutch processed cheeses being included at equal weight to Camembert and Brie.
The Germans are reluctant to to accept Feta and Mozzarella from Greece and Italy respectively because both countries have been known to overstate their production volumes and to falsify quality reports. The Italians have retorted that the Germans are not qualified to judge because they don't make anything that can be described as cheese.
One thing is certain, the ECB will definitely not be using any Cheddars because these cheeses, produced worldwide by English speaking nations, are emblematic of the market-driven Anglo-Saxon economic system that the Eurozone governments are trying so hard to suppress.
Fast-Track
The Eurozone leaders are eager to introduce the new measures as quickly as possible and have agreed to 'fast-track' it through the committee stages. They could become law as soon as 2020.
Market feed-back
At close of business on Forex markets the Euro was down against the dollar by only 8%, its best performance this year, suggesting the markets were impressed by the measures. |
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A Public Service Announcement
Attention Beer Drinkers!
Your Country Needs You!
Boost Public Finances:
Visit the Great British Beer Festival
Its Your Duty |
The GTG is proud to back the Government's 'Drink for Britain' campaign. The UK's Public Finances are under a bit of strain at the moment. That's why its vital that every citizen does his or her bit to help the nation's finances.
What better way to help than with direct action: head to the GBBF at Earl's Court on August 3rd-7th. Every pint you drink will contribute vital funds to the Exchequer
And remember: when helping the nation, too much is never enough.
The GTG staff will be participating in this important fund raising event. And we'll be publishing a full review in our next issue (providing we can remember what happened). If you would like to sponsor us please send cash c/o The Editor, GTG, Grey Town.
For event details visit: GBBF
PS, when there be sure to try a Cornish pasty (make sure its a short-crust, sealed-at-the-top variety). You won't regret it.
Published in conjunction with 'Drink For Britain' and HM Customs and Excise. |
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Climight Change?
Report Praises BP for Reducing Florida's Carbon Footprint
Every Slick has a Silver Lining
Oily Beaches Reduce demand for Air Travel by 50%
Don't Jump! | Grey Town, June 21st:
A special report by the highly respected Coulsdon Institute of Economic and Environmental Affairs has praised BP for its contribution to cutting Florida's carbon footprint.
Prior to the spill Florida was trapped in a vicious circle of increasing tourism, leading to increased greenhouse gas emissions, leading to rising temperatures, leading to increased tourism... Something had to be done.
Approximately 80 million tourists a year visit the region, very few of them on foot, and this contributes as much CO2 to the atmosphere as the economies of several small planets. Climate activists were desperate for a solution. This being America, the solution when it came, came from the private sector. Instead of harvesting oil and refining it into aviation fuel and petrol BP, who have for some time been keen to move 'Beyond Petroleum', had the brilliant idea of spreading it on the region's beaches.
This has had three major beneficial effects: firstly the drop in tourism has reduced CO2 emissions which (as we all know) is always a good thing; secondly, the clean up operation has brought much needed diversification to the region's economy which until now had been too reliant on tourism, fishing and oil production; last but not least the ban on fishing will be great for the fish.
Not all tourism has suffered. Niche sectors have boomed, especially those catering to wildlife enthusiasts who are flocking to the region to participate in the latest feel-good recreational activity: washing their favourite birds and sea life. Everyone's a winner!
Climight Change? The GTG's forum on climate issues. If you have a contribution please email it to the editor. We will subject it to a pier revue and a after making corrections publish it in a future edition. Well, maybe. |
News Round-Up
iPhone 4 Safety Feature not universally popular
Early Adopters are very sad
Firm offers free Counseling App and Rubber Protection
Cupertino, July 16th:
The special anti-radiation feature of the iPhone4, which automatically stops it transmitting when you pick it up is proving to be a mixed blessing.
The 'really cool' technology was intended to address concerns that mobile phones might cause tumors and other collateral damage when used too near the head. Unfortunately some users prefer to take the risk and use their mobiles to make calls. An Apple spokesman said that the company hadn't realized there were users out there who still used legacy features like voice now that there are so many cool alternative apps for the device.
Whilst they work on a long term solution the company has suggested a simple work-around which is to buy a second, conventional, mobile for making calls. To help facilitate this the company has announced they will give every iPhone4 owner a free rubber sleeve - in a choice of funky colours - which features a special slot to enable users to piggy-back a proper phone onto the iPhone. Customers will also be able to download a free App offering personal counseling from Steve Jobs. Cool!
Northern Nutters vie for Hero Status
Police Set-up exclusion zone round woods, but gunman actually staying in nearby hotel
North of Watford, Jul 10th
Another week, another northern nutter on a gun rampage. Psychologists speculate that the unusually warm weather, or maybe something in the tea, is turning the normally solid and reliable northern menfolk into rampaging lunatics.
After a cat and mouse chase across the badlands of Northumbria the fugitive was finally cornered in woodland where the police set up a 50 metre wide exclusion zone. Ten thousand extra police secured the exclusion zone whilst special forces and 3 helicopter gunships tracked what they thought was the elusive fugitive's trail of camp fires from one side of the woods to the other. They reasoned it was just a matter of time before one of them would bump into him. Unfortunately it turned out they were tracking a group of cub scouts from Skipton. The gunman was actually staying in a nearby hotel.
He was finally apprehended when the police drafted so many men into the area that the atmosphere became depleted of oxygen and everybody in the village passed out, including the would-be Rambo. The gunman, who was on his way to play a round of golf, fell on his gun, accidentally blowing his own head off.
But by then this folk hero had endeared himself to a growing fan base of local losers. Like a Latterday Robin Hood, but without the 'giving-to-the-poor' bit, he had become a symbol of plucky resistance to an authoritarian state. A collection has been set-up to pay for a monument in his home town.
Migrant Labour Cap Likely to Lead to Shortage of Mini Cabs
Free Newspapers and fried chicken also under threat
Grey Town, Thurs, Jul 8th:
Opposition MPs have raised concerns that the new government's policy of restricting the number of non-EU economic migrants will adversely affect Britain's core economy. Vital industries such as unlicensed cabs, free news paper distribution and deep-fried chicken outlets rely upon migrants as they are the only workers willing to do these essential jobs for next to nothing.
This, they say, will undermine the economies of many of Britain's inner-cities, which rely almost exclusively on these key industries.
It will also leave large groups of Britain's professional unemployed disenfranchised, without the essential day-to-day services on which they've come to rely.
US Fire Departments will no longer tackle Commercial Fires
Corporations must put out their own fires
Washington, Fri 18th June:
Inspired by the successful and fiscally-smart model of 'hands-off' participation adopted by the Federal Government during the gulf oil spill disaster, state and city authorities across the United States are rushing through legislation making it the responsibility of private businesses and corporations to deal with fires and other disasters on their property.
Any fires or emergencies at factories, chemical works, nuclear power stations or resulting from air crashes will now be the responsibility of the companies involved. Local fire services will be allowed to offer advice by telephone and to provide expert opinions to the media, but they will not be allowed to participate in the clear up.
Pony claims Asylum in Russia
Desperate creature parachuted across border
Krasnodar, Russia Jul 20th:
In a spectacular James Bond manner, a pony has parachuted into Russia seeking asylum. Formerly resident in Lincoln UK the pony, who revealed his name only as Stanley, said he was seeking to escape from a life of abuse under his previous owner.
On arrival Stanley pleaded with police to be allowed to stay, claiming he would be made into cat food if he was forced to return home.
Asked what he planned to do now he was safe in Russia Stanley's PR revealed 'He just wants to chill out and eat lots of carrots'
Bacteria Rights Activists Deface Monument
From a lead by Red Sirron, our man by the Col:
Redhill, Jul 29th:
Activists from a militant cell of BARF (BActeria Rights Forum) today claimed responsibility for last weekend's defacing of a monument to Sir Alexander Fleming, the inventor of penicillin. A BARF spokesmen reiterated the groups position that 'penicillin is a weapon of mass destruction that's caused untold suffering and death to billions of innocent bacteria'
The activists were from the group's extremist Redhill Cell which is believed to have been behind a string of recent paint attacks on high street chemists in Surrey and Sussex.
But not everybody in the group is happy and BARF may suffer internal upheaval. It was later reported that due to an internal dispute over tactics the cell had divided.
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Downtime
The GTG Lifestyle Magazine
Arts - Reviews - Food - Drink - Lifestyle
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Pimp my Problem
The GTG and Hob help you make the most of your problems
 An Occasional Feature from Hob and his team, the GTG's men in the Underworld Because of their jobs, Hob and the guys get to meet a lot of people with interesting problems. We're pleased to be able to bring their expertise to the aid of you, our readers. In love with daughter's pony Dear Hob, I don't know what to do. Last Christmas I bought my daughter a pet pony, Stanley, but as the months have passed by I've found myself irresistibly drawn to him and now I'm completely in love. And every time I look into his big brown eyes my heart melts. I want us to run away together, but where? Right Hon AHB, Lincolnshire. Mamon Says: well, I wouldn't suggest London or New York. You could try Milton Keynes. If you want somewhere more exotic, try South Carolina. You haven't mentioned what Stanley thinks of this? Do my genes make my bum look Fat? Dear Hob, its not fair! I never eat anything but I keep putting on weight. Maybe I'm big boned? SF, New Addington, Surrey Bacchus Says: get real lardy - there were no fatties in Belsen. If you don't put it in your gob, it won't end up on your arse. Frightened I might be Institutionalized Dear Hob, I'm really worried I'm becoming an institutionalized cabbage. My company is based in a serviced office building which plays repetitive banal music in its communal areas. This morning whilst sitting on the loo I found myself singing along in my head to The Carpenters! What can I do? Yours, Distraught of Whyteleafe. Hob Says: get out of there while you still can! Owner keeps harassing me Last Christmas I moved in with a seemingly nice family. At first it was fun : I especially enjoyed all the carrots. But more recently I noticed my owner keeps staring into my eyes and trying to ride me in a really strange way. What's going on? Name and address Supplied Hob Says: next time he attempts that strange riding you mentioned why not try planting one of your back hoofs on his forehead. It should work wonders, though there is a small chance you could end up in a tin of cat food. An alternative would be to run away where he can't find you...Russia perhaps? Swedish Gymnasts Keep Demanding Sex Dear Hob, I'm a happily married 47 year old book keeper with a lovely wife, two gorgeous children and a nice home in High Wycombe. Recently at a local meeting of the Chamber of Commerce I met a pair of twin-sister six foot blond Olympic gymnasts on a cultural exchange mission from Stockholm. They keep pestering me for group sex. What shall I do? Pyro Says: yeah right, and my name's John F. Kennedy! I think you should spend less time on Internet chat rooms. People keep ignoring me Recently I've noticed people completely ignore me. Not just when I'm in the street but in the office too. Even if I ask a direct question. Its really undermining my self-esteem and <the rest of this letter has been deleted due to space constraints - Verin> What about you? Do you have an embarrassing problem? We are here to help. Simply email your problem along with name, address, phone number, and a passport sized photo of yourself. We'll circulate your details around the team, have a good laugh, and publish our responses to the really good ones. But don't worry if your problem isn't published. Our back-office team will work through them all and post our recommendations in full on the web. All you have to do is Google your name and everything about you and your problem will be readily accessible. All part of the service! |
Lifestyle: Sex and the Chippy
A modern girl's guide to life, love and romance in Grey Town
Slappertini |
Stacey isn't getting out of bed because she's too depressed after seeing that load of rubbish movie 'Sex and the City 2'.
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Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle?
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look!
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Fog Horn
Reader's Letters
Purley Prophet Sir, I wish to complain about the article in next year's June edition that questions my ability to see into the future. It distressed me greatly. I demand a right of reply. Yours, etc, Daphne Higgs-Boson, Purley. Feel free to complain - Ed
Priorities! Priorities!
She's lying! She can't see into the future. The only way to see into the future is to drink six pints of ESB. Which reminds me, if you don't publish this edition soon, the Great British Beer Festival will be over and you will have missed the boat! Angry of Hackbridge. Thanks for the reminder - we'll press the button right now - Ed
Have something to say? Feel free to address emails to the Editor. Content may be edited to meet space constraints or rewritten to embellish boring material. Offensive material is not acceptable, unless it happens to be hilarious. |
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Classifieds
Clearance Sale: 2-for-1 Offer on Tax Credits: due to new government policy we are discontinuing our last-season range of Family Tax Credits. All remaining stocks must be cleared. We need the shelf space to stock redundancy notices. Amazing deals available! Contact: George and Vince, HM Treasury, Whitehall. Strike Services: Do you work for the public sector? Or perhaps you are a tube worker, or a BA trolly dolly? Do you want to protect your bloated remuneration package? Are you angry at being told you can't retire at 50 on a full pension? Or that you can no longer enjoy 50 days paid leave per year? You need to strike! And we can help you. With decades of experience we offer an array of strike and industrial dispute services second-to-none: from routine Demo Support to specialist services such as Flying Pickets, Abusive Leafleting, Scab Barracking and Stalking of Management and their families. Everything you could possibly need to make your strike a success. What's more, we offer a no-win-no-fee package, and all of our operatives are freelance or contract workers on performance-linked pay so you are guaranteed a top service. Recent projects include G20 Toronto, May-Day London, and miscellaneous Anti-Capitalist/Banking Sector Protests. Contact: Stan, Rent-a-Mob (UK) PLC, PO Box 1926, Monaco. Cheap Pelican Stakes: Special import from America, via Mexico. Quality guaranteed. Meat is lovely and tender. Every steak has been marinated in our special gulf sauce. Only £1 per kilo. These are wholesale prices so minimum purchase is 20 kilo. (Please note: this is a natural product and there may be some colour and taste variation). Also coming soon: Dolphin and Turtle soup! Don't miss! Contact: Compañía de carne de Wahaca, PO Box 999, Coulsdon, Surrey. Appeal for Missing Pony: Have you seen Stanley? Much loved pet and member of the family. Black-brown coat, long nose, big brown eyes. Likes adventure sports and carrots. Last seen on July 20th in the departure lounge at East Midlands Airport. If you've seen him please let us know. If you are reading this Stanley, please come back! Mummy has made Daddy go into therapy, and anyway he really didn't mean the cat food thing. We've got lots of carrots for you. Please come back! Tarquin & Hermione, Dington Grange, Aspley-in-the-Puddle, Lincoln. |
Commercial
Product Reviews
Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as Wine, Food, Super Cars, Motor Yachts, or Lear Jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG?
We have taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting product, and providing our readers with the comfort that our reviews accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor. We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Level compatible with your budget, book a time slot and pay online, then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that! Review Rating Price Scale**: Coal (pants) £50*Charcoal (bearable) £250*Gravel (average) £1,000*Ash (good) £5,000*Platinum (ace) £10,000*Please email the Editor for further details.* Strictly Cash in Advance
** Prices are not negotiable, unless we are drunk or happen to like you, or both
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Small print:
Copyright June-August 2010 The Ministry of Light.
All Rights Reserved etc.
The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, a division of Borg International Ltd, London.
Disclaimer:
The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.
The Ministry of Light - Croydon's Leading Think Tank |
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