Changing Behavior

by Barbara Mencer 

It's all very circular.

Imagine setting a goal for yourself as a New Year's resolution ... to go easier on yourself whenever you don't live up to your high expectations.

And imagine that you don't meet your new goal.  What do you do?  That's a real moment of truth, isn't it?

I mean ... how can you come down on yourself for being hard on yourself when your goal is to not be so hard on yourself?

Yikes!  That's absurd on its face, but can't you just see the driven, perfectionist excoriating herself for not being nicer to herself and more easy-going?

Sure you can.  And you know what?  That would make her just like the rest of us, because behavior isn't always rational and it isn't always so easy to change.  It takes a clear and abiding intention to change.  It takes repetition until a new habit is established that both feels better and yields happier results.  And it takes patience.  With a strong enough wake up call, behavior can change permanently in an instant, but that's not the norm.  Change is usually a process that unfolds over time.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Many of our faithful readers will recall that last holiday season, I gave myself the gift of imperfection for the New Year. Following a meltdown over a failed Christmas dinner, I realized that my mental and physical health was at stake if I didn't change my perfectionist ways. (Read the full story.)  I promised to stop trying to live up to my impossible expectations and give myself a break when things didn't go quite as well as I'd like. 

So, how did I do?

As I reflect back over the year, I've gotta be honest and say there were times where my old perfectionist self flogged me when things didn't go well. But, I'm very happy to report that, overall, I did a good job of lightening up ... even through the crazy holiday season, which is usually when I'm trying to please everyone and just can't seem to pull it off.  In fact, I let go of several holiday stressors that in years past would've put me into a major panic. Yea!  Progress!

Lord knows, I still have work to do. As I look toward 2012, I know that the next level of lightening up on myself includes making life simpler. I want to learn to either let go of things or find another way to fit everything in without feeling stressed and constantly time-challenged. Can you relate?  And I want to continue to be aware of my need to please everyone and reassess my behavior when I feel that need being triggered. I'm guessing a lot of you know just what I'm talking about.

I tell you all this as a way of both following up on last year's story and giving you encouragement that real change is possible, even though it may not always feel that way.  Hey, sometimes you take one step backward before you take the next two forward.

Did you have a personal development or other goal in 2011? When you look back over the year, can you point to progress made toward that goal? Did you actually achieve it? If not, it's okay!

We can't always control how fast we get where we want to go or even if we'll get there, but we absolutely can control the direction in which we're headed.  As long as it's the right direction, have faith, believe in yourself, relax a bit, enjoy, and in the words of Cicero, "let patience have her perfect work."

Each positive thought, each positive belief, each positive action brings you closer to where you want to be.  If a few negative or resistant thoughts and behaviors intrude, give them no energy.  Just reset to the vision of what you want, rejoin the path you're going to take to get there, and reward yourself for any and all progress made!

Honestly, it's all you can do ... and it's enough.

Warmest regards and Happy New Year!

Barbara