The Gift Of Imperfection

by Barbara Mencer

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.  Well, you know what?  I do.  And it became very clear to me over the holidays.

While there's an undeniable upside to being diligent, attending to details, and striving to produce quality results, there can be a definite downside too.  As we like to say in our behavioral styles training, "A strength taken to an extreme becomes a weakness."   A few hundred million of my fellow perfectionists can relate, I'm sure.

I can be extremely hard on myself. I seldom cut myself any slack and have been known to push myself so hard that I end up sick or injured. Despite my continuing efforts over the last couple of years to go easier on myself in many ways, including my self-talk, self-criticism was never more in evidence than when I was making Christmas dinner this

year.

My mom, the matriarch of my family, has the extended family over for a big Christmas feast every year.  She's getting older and has some health issues.  Still, she wanted to host the family get together this year.  But she wasn't up to cooking the big dinner, so she decided we'd have a simpler dinner, and she asked me to bring the main dish.

Pulled pork.

Now, for those of you who don't know me personally, asking me to bring pork to the family dinner is like asking Jack LaLanne (96 year old health and fitness pioneer) to bring candy and soft drinks to a party. 

I don't eat pork.  And although I'm a decent cook, I don't enjoy cooking.  I really only cook six or seven staples in my diet - grilled chicken, fish, the occasional steak, oatmeal, veggies, and yams.  That's it.  No pork.

She sent me an elaborate recipe that required the pork to be prepped on one day, then cooked the second day.  After much angst over which cut of pork to use and how much to get ... not to mention how early I could buy it without

having to freeze it ... I got all the ingredients and began the prep on Christmas Eve.  I chopped and added all the necessary items to create the stock and then simmered the pork for 3 hours.  When the meat was tender, I scanned the recipe for the next step.

I saw, "Cool and refrigerate for 1 day," so I promptly drained the broth into the sink and left the pork in the strainer to cool.  Then I glanced at the recipe again and froze in my tracks.  The step to follow after refrigerating the meat for a day said, "Drain meat ..." Drain meat?!  I had already drained the meat BEFORE I put it into the fridge.  My stomach sank when I realized what I had done.  The meat was supposed to marinate in the broth in the fridge and I had just tossed out the broth that took 3 hours to make.

I immediately began berating myself. How could I be so stupid? I know better than that.  Of course you marinate the meat.  Why would I think I was supposed to put just the meat by itself in the fridge for a day?  What an idiot. I've just ruined Christmas dinner.  It won't be right.  It won't be perfect.  My mom will be disappointed.  The tears came. 

My husband watched as I became more and more upset.  He said quietly, "Honey, I've never heard you get down on yourself quite this hard before. This is a new level for you and it's not healthy. We're going to go to the store right now, get more pork and any other ingredients you need, and begin again. This is not the end of the world."

For some reason, what he said sunk in.  I tried for another five minutes or so to figure out a way to fix what I had done without necessitating a trip to the store at 5 pm. on Christmas Eve, but couldn't think of anything that would really be okay.  So, we went to the store, got everything ... and I began again.

This time everything went fine and dinner was "perfect."

As happy as I am that it all turned out fine, the lesson for me is deep.  Trying to be constantly on point in all areas of my life could be the death of me.  At the very least, it's not a happy way to live.  I realize now how important it is for me to give myself a break and allow myself the freedom to come up short of the mark sometimes without making such a big deal over it.

Do you need to give yourself a break?  Is there something you're beating yourself up over?  If so, why not give yourself the gift only you can give ... the blessing that comes with accepting that you're not perfect and never will be perfect.  Nobody is.  But we can still be great people and do extraordinary things.

It might just be the best present you ever get.

Best Regards,

Barbara