Blue Sky Awareness

Pop! I felt the Achilles tear as I went face down in the snow. My pain was far more than physical. The images and emotions of another surgery, and four or more months of recovery, flooded my consciousness. "Not now! Everything was going so well." "Why me?" "This is totally unfair!" "I can't put my life on hold - there's too much I have to do!"

That night, after surgery, I was staring at my leg and accepting the truth. I had been seriously injured many times before. Just move on and use this as an opportunity to meditate, learn, and experience the healing.

But two days later, as if someone had thrown a switch, the world didn't look the same. I felt depressed, disconnected. Moments of anxiety: "I can't get enough breath," "Open the windows," "Turn off that sound," "It's too hot."  Because it coincided with going cold turkey on the pain meds, I thought that maybe I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms. But a couple of weeks later when I was still having episodes, I realized it was something deeper.

My friend Richard, a psychiatrist, was comforting and reassuring. "Hey, you're human. You're on top of your game," he said, "And then, wham! You go down. This is an athlete's PTSD" (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

"Do the ABC's," Richard told me. "It's basically the work you do.  Become fully Aware, then Breathe, and then Coach yourself to desensitize the negative thought-emotion spiral."

The trouble was I thought I had been doing the work. It just wasn't happening in my time frame - immediately! Where was my faith - the mustard seed of Christian teachings? Or the depth of the Zen phrase:

Spring comes

and the grass

grows by itself

I needed to let go of time and simply continue the practice. It was about the practice, not some results in a certain time frame.  Good moments, bad moments, they come and go like clouds, on their own time.

When the dark clouds of depression or anxiety begin to appear, I work on awareness, breathing, being present. I recognize that resisting the clouds does not help. Welcome them. I work on staying present to the Ki or subtle life force pulsating in my body. It keeps me present in this moment, and I feel that Ki awareness expanding outward. Sometimes, as Ram Das suggested, I experience spaciousness like a clear blue sky around the cloud.

All my thoughts, emotions, and situations are simply clouds. Even the darkest ones can take on the aspect of a gift - an opportunity to experience that deeply peaceful blue sky awareness in which all forms come and go. I have found that even a momentary glimpse of this blue sky awareness is worth all the practice.  I will continue.

In my ten-foot bamboo hut

this spring

There is nothing

There is everything

-Sodo

Tom Crum