De-Pressurizing the Holidays
The spiritual teacher Saniel Bonder once stated something that applies well to psychotherapy in general, and anxiety and depression specifically: our lives are a continuous process of equalizing pressure, with that which is being "equalized" being the pressure between you and the world around you. Why do we do this? Simply because the state of being overly-pressurized is painful, and we deeply want less pain.
So, there are always two ways to do this: either you make the world adapt to the pressure inside of you, or you shift your pressure to match that around you. The holidays are a great place to see this at work, to see the "gradient" between your insides and your outsides, and to notice what you traditionally do with that difference. You'll probably experience, if you're like most folks, a tendency to want, if not demand, that the "ambient pressure" matches yours-"If the world was as it should be, Uncle Harry would of course be less of a boor." But since Uncle Harry, as well as everyone else around the table, is going to be exactly who he is, the strategy of changing the world in order to suit your internal pressure (beliefs, sensations, feelings) is ultimately futile and endless.
So, here are some broad tips for how to orient towards the holiday that, intending to help depressurize this time of year from the inside out.
1) Check your expectations. Families are complex and deep. Among other things, your nervous system was formed in the matrix of parents, so that there are many yous that show up for the holiday events, adult and children selves all twined around each other, within you. Let yourself have whatever experience you have without placing huge demands on others or yourself.
2) Recognize that stress is endemic to the holidays. There's a very strange conflict between what the holidays say about themselves-joyous, community, lightness, generosity, fun-and what most actually experience. Expectations always create pressure, so allowing the holiday period to be stressful where they actually are stressful, paradoxically frees up energy from trying to be in the spirit, to actually being in the spirit, but in a way that accepts stress as natural, rather than a contradiction to how the holidays should be.
3) Take time for yourself. Don't forget self-care. It can be easy to get caught up in family (or your own) expectations to BE TOGETHER, such that there's seems to be no space for your adult, autonomous self. If you want to take a walk, notify folks and then go walk. By accepting your own needs, you'll actually come back to the community refreshed and more willing to engage.
4) Feel what you feel. One of the greatest pressures we create is to demand that we feel what our families want us to feel, or what we think we should feel to match the mood of the holidays. Great pressure, there. Try to trust that what comes up is meant to come up, and work with it as best you can, but by allowing, not suppressing.
5) Don't gorge (unless you really like to...). Holidays, by being defined as special, imply that the normal rules get thrown out the window. If you know certain things about yourself in terms of food or socializing, that doesn't change because it's the holidays. Indulge a bit, but don't eat or commune more than is right for you, simply because you'll feel worse, feel less taken care of, feel even worse, be less in the spirit, etc.
6) Let the holidays be integrated into your life, not vice versa. This is a summation of the tips above: don't treat the holidays as a world apart, but rather as a phase of your ongoing life, with (just like any other period) its own emphasis and challenges. Again, expectations create pressure, and the pressure is the "differential" between what you are and what the world is. If the holidays are engaged as another, or a special, part of your life, then that pressure is ratcheted down and you can actually enjoy the holidays for what they are, rather than what they should be.
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