Q: I have always been unhappy, but I don't want to be. I've tried to figure it out, but that just makes me more unhappy.
A: Last month I responded to the first part of this question (see the archive page if you missed it INSERT LINK), so this month I'll give some thoughts on the second half, the connection between "figuring it out" and unhappiness. It's a critical question both in terms of understanding the nature of depression, and also the nature of "curing" depression.
The issue at hand is what's called "rumination." There's a helpful image for this mental process coming from a very physical one, being the chewing of cud that cows (ruminants) do. The same ball of grass gets chewed over and over, without really doing much for a long time, except getting chewed. The difference with mental rumination is that eventually the grass, unlike the thinking, eventually gets swallowed and does something positive for the cow. For us, the ruminative thoughts do worse than nothing.
Our intentions are good, of course, in trying to "figure out" our depression, by thinking hard about the problem in order to find the solution. Our mind, or rather, our cognitive, analytical mind, is a great thing, a builder of businesses, a financier, a solver of technical problems, so it makes sense (to that mind) that the problem of unhappiness should also be, likewise, solvable.
And therefore, it's logical that the same method should work here. But it doesn't work: it "just makes me more unhappy." Now why is that? Basically, the problem is we're trying to solve a problem...that's not a problem. In other words, there's nothing wrong to solve.
But when we're ruminating, here's what the mind is doing: something has happened, internal or external, to trigger a "lowered mood state." Our mind identifies it (when in autopilot, not mindful, mode) as far from the ideal state, and therefore a problem, and problems from a logical stance are, by definition, fixable. So our mind goes to work: "Ok, this isn't right. I have to fix this. I'm depressed. That's wrong. How will I fix this. I shouldn't feel like this. I should think positive. It's all ok. It's all ok. Not working. Should be working. Something's really wrong. I'm not fixing this. Should be able to." And around and around.
Which is depressing, and anxiety provoking, to not be able to fix something that's causing you pain. It's dispiriting, and disempowering, and upsetting. But if the only conclusion is that you're not thinking right, and need to think harder, or are not good enough to meet the problem, then you're driven back to into the mind: keep thinking.
So, in this case, in dealing with depression, thought is the problem. Hence, "more unhappiness" comes from trying to "figure it out."
The solution-and this is what drives the fixing, doing mind crazy-is to surrender the problem and accept the reality in front of you. In other words, instead of attempting to dominate (fix) the pain, you accept it. Instead of fighting, and fighting, and fighting, you accept. Instead of, something's painful and I have to fix it, it becomes, something is painful, period.
This, of course, is what mindfulness is a training in. Mindfulness is taking an observational perspective, a stepping out of the struggle, moving from the fix-it to the noticing mind. If we are sitting in a field looking at the clouds, the idea that the clouds are a problem is pretty obviously absurd. So too, from a mindful stance, depression is simply not a problem, it is just what is in the moment. "Oh, depression," and then you simply notice the qualities. Period.
Ironically, what happens from this kind of surrender is that, by not having to fix the depression, then you gain a clarity that actually allows you to influence mood much more skillfully. Working with depression from a stance of desperation is like trying to dance when panicked. A calmer mind with depression allows you to see clearly enough to make a difference, to take actions that help rather than make matters worse.
So rumination is a good tool-the analytic, problem-solving mind-used for the wrong purpose, and thus creates the same problems as using a screw driver on a bolt.
But as always, the real proof is in the experimentation, so to see if this idea is true-that the cure to depression is surrender-you have to practice and compare the results. Treat it as an experiment, compare your notes, and really, with clear eyes, see what happens.
|