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 Marty L. Cooper, MFT

 

4831 Geary Blvd.

San Francisco, CA 94118

 

martycooper@

mlcooper.com

www.mlcooper.com


















































































 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 2008               Vol. 1, Issue 7   

Greetings!  

 

I hope you all are doing well through the winter months.  In San Francisco, we're getting more and more blue skies and crisp pre-spring days, spirit-lifting days after the rain and overcast. 

 

The change in weather tends to have an anti-depressant effect, but it's also apparent how tenacious bleak moods can be, whether it's bright and clear, or drizzling and fogged in.  So much of how an individual responds is depends on their beliefs, how they interpret events and make meaning out of experiences like these rain-less days.  It crafts mood, thoughts, and actions (or inactions);  beliefs are profoundly powerful in crafting our lives.

 

So this month's article is about the way in which unacknowledged, and unexplored beliefs can cause us to drag in moving forward in our lives.  We want at one level to melt into the beautiful day, and at another level that desire is felt to be threatening.  But until the belief is reckoned with, there will be only a halting progress.

 

Best wishes,

Marty

The Hand Brake is On: How beliefs can limit
growth and heal

Here's a thought experiment:

I'm going to tell you something, something exciting and long wished for: you're going to learn how to fly through the air without aid. OK? So what the plan is, is you're going to spend the next six months building your upper body muscles. You're going to need to hire a trainer who's going to work with you 4 times a week. It's going to be painful but you'll get the muscles you need. Then you are going to practice just jumping off objects, progressively higher. Then you're going to spend an hour a day flapping your arms. Finally, you're going to go to a high cliff, jump off, and with all your training, you'll fly! That's all there is to it, so the process should be easy and straightforward.

Now, let's say that you really want to fly, and that you may have deep faith in your mentor/trainer and really want to believe you can do it. There is a great desire. But underneath, to varying degrees hidden, there is a fundamental disbelief (right in this case, but play along) in either your ability to fly, or the possibility of humans to fly unaided. So while you try diligently to move forward with the protocol--you hire the trainer, you stand on your lawn diligently flapping--you notice you're not fully engaged, not seeming to do the training in a full-bodied (as it were) way. You skip days. You make excuses. You only jump from four feet when the schedule clearly calls for eight.

What's going on here? Basically, you are trying to mesh two injunctions: do it (because I need to, have to, want to please my Mentor, etc.) and don't do it (because it's impossibly, I'm not worthy, I'll die). While the "do it" voice may be louder or more obvious-it's what you tell yourself and others-the "don't do it" is the more powerful because trying to do what you believe is impossible is at root felt as a threat to survival or the opening to overwhelming pain. While one foot is on the gas, your hand is yanking on the hand brake in an effort to stop what is felt as a dangerous acceleration towards a cliff.

 

In the case of flying like this, your survival mechanisms are actually right. But in many, many more cases, especially for people suffering from anxiety and depression, beliefs are outdated at best, related to times past which are no longer relevant to the present. "I need to be small to be safe," would be skillful for a child in a dangerous family. But when the belief persists on into adulthood, it's no longer protection, but rather enprisonment.

 

But beliefs are tenacious. They can't be muscled through, or lept over, or swept under the rug. They only change by seeing through or contradicting their own logic, but not like winning a debate. Beliefs shift in the face of new, credible information and experiences.

Easy to say, but tricky to do, in large part because most important beliefs, the ones that control the hand brake of one's life, are essentially beliefs about what's necessary for survive. "Don't express anger, because people will attack you and you have no defense." "Always tend to other's needs, because if you don't, they will abandon you and you can't support yourself."

These are rules of safety, with the basic assertion of "adhere or die." So, they're not given up easily, even in the face of devastating critique. We will rarely release a belief until we have something else to replace it, to provide a sense of safety. And until that need for safety is addressed, our survival beliefs will keep slowing us down.

In other words, when you find yourself dragging on a goal, avoid responding with either fighting or collapsing. Keep in mind that some governing belief has got it's hand on the brake, and slow down instead, putting your attention on what that belief might be and how to reassure your deep self that you can (or how you can) move forward and be safe. When that part of you is convinced, then effort is easy.

And in this process, the more supports you have, the better. (Click here for more thoughts on this.) With the flying training, if you had somewhere safe to land, people applauding your efforts and telling you that they love you even if you fail, wouldn't you be much more likely to risk the final flying test?

Having supports to lean on in the process of changing beliefs is essential, because otherwise your hand brake part will override the gas pedal part of yourself, and you'll just create a lot of heat and smoke.

 

 

Online Blog Articles
   Past blog articles can be found at my articles page by clicking here.
About Marty
Marty L. Cooper, MFT

Marty Cooper is a San Francisco psychotherapist who helps individuals
struggling with anxiety and depression to not only manage these "wild
moods," but eventually learn how to overcome them.  His background in
both Western approaches to healing, as well as Eastern mindfulness
practices (meditation) give a wide range of perspectives and techniques to bring to the work of taming mood. 

Marty's passion arises out of his deep understanding of how painful anxiety and depression can be, and his wish to help others learn how to avoid overwhelm, as well as to find meaning in experience that can otherwise at times just seem pointless.

Joy, connection, and a life not ruled by fear are all truly possible.
Services
 
I offer psychotherapy to those who are wanting to learn deeper and more effective management strategies for their anxiety and depression, as well those who wish to find out how to overcome these wild moods.  I work comprehensively with mental, emotional, bodily, and spiritual dimensions, all of which are necessary to overcome the chronic quality of anxiety and depression.

If you are looking to make changes that last, then please call me and set up an initial phone consultation, so we can see if or how I can best be of service. 

Marty L. Cooper, MFT
415.835.2162
martycooper@mlcooper.com