Enjoying the Last Weeks of Summer

Forward: This is the second installment in a two-part story of a woman's quest for healing PTSD. Taking comfort in her religious faith, she also found herself continually and mysteriously drawn to an unknown black horse.

Five years from the first moment the word rasa passed from my armorbearer's lips, I began to grow weary in my healing journey. Many victories had been won but there was still so much more to accomplish, many more enemies to be flushed from the shadows of my mind. I just didn't know if I had the energy to continue, so I asked my armorbearer to help me find a place I could retreat to for awhile. The comfort of my prayer place served me well but I needed something more, something real. As my armorbearer began searching the internet for retreat facilities that catered to victims of PTSD, I asked to include a search for one that also had horseback riding programs. The black horse in my prayer place had rekindled an old love of horses from my youth. Increasingly, I found myself wanting to return to the feeling of weightlessness and freedom I had found on the back of a trusted horse friend. From the time the black horse entered my prayer life, my armorbearer began giving me token reminders of him-a stuffed black horse, movies like The Black Stallion and Black Beauty, and abstract pictures of fairytale black horses. I think the black horse even showed up in some of her dreams as well. Strangely enough, on one of our first searches for retreat centers, the link to H.E.A.L.-Human & Equine Alliances for Learning-came up. It was a divine connection, as if I had called up a heavenly operator, "Yes, could you please connect me to a facility that will help me continue in my healing process, yet return the pleasure of horseback riding from my youth?" and was promptly plugged in to this revolutionary program. Now I have to admit, as Christians, we are taught to be overly weary of "things from the secular world" and I had my share of uncertainty. But I could not deny the seemingly divine appointment of this moment. I had just recently begun to develop a plan to provide women with an all inclusive retreat center that would address the myriad of aftereffects associated with childhood sexual abuse. Part of my dream was to include animal therapy with puppies, bunnies, chicks and of course, horses. As I met with Leigh and learned more about Equine Assisted Psychotherapy, I began to see how God was leading me to answers about my suffering and clues to manifesting the vision that I had for a retreat center dedicated to women. Unfortunately there are few PTSD resources that are of a practical nature within the Christian community and even fewer resources for survivors of sexual abuse. I wanted to change this. The only way to accomplish this task was to look at what the secular world knew about PTSD and the effects of sexual abuse and put into action a kind of "chew the meat and spit out the bones" research project. I became both the scientist and the guinea pig. What better way to know how to minister to the needs of those who are suffering from PTSD than to be one and to meet my own needs?

I became a dedicated student of all things associated with the effects of sexual abuse-everything from anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, to psychosomatic symptoms, flashbacks, and cognitive restructuring. There was much to be learned from Eastern medicine, Western psychology, and Biblical principles. One book Leigh encouraged me to read was The Tao of Equus written by the founder of the Equine Assisted Psychotherapy theory. For weeks Leigh would ask, "Have you read The Tao of Equus yet?" and sheepishly I would say no, that I hadn't or that I had ordered it and was waiting on UPS to deliver. Finally, one day I brought the book up on-line through Amazon.com. After reviewing the front and back inside cover flaps, I ventured into the table of contents and introduction of the book. Rapidly skimming the language, I discovered that Linda had a strong connection to secular and borderline pagan theologies. I began to have my doubts about reading the book when my eyes settled on the title of the first chapter-Rasa. I literally gasped and bolted from my chair. Halfway down the hall, I realized that I had walked away from my desk. I immediately dialed my armorbearer on my cell phone as I returned to face the computer image of this mysterious term. Hello? Hello? I heard in my ear as I sat in stunned silence staring at the word emblazoned on the screen. "You're not going to believe this," I said with a wavering voice. "I know what rasa means." In the brief seconds before my call was completed, my eyes scanned the pages looking for an explanation to the term. I learned that the word was Latin for "clean" and that Linda had named her horse Tabula Rasa which meant "clean slate." Even more strange became the ways in which Linda described the ways in which Rasa would show up in her dreams. I continued to scan the pages when my eyes fell upon the description of Linda's precious horse friend, a beautiful Arabian black mare.

My mind drifted back to my first conversation with Leigh over the phone. I was interviewing her about her methods. She was interviewing me about whether or not I would be a good candidate. During our conversation, I told her how drawn my heart was to connect with horses again. It was a need burning within me like an ember. She replied that she had been flooded recently with many inquiries about Equine Assisted Psychotherapy and that it seemed as though the horses were calling people up on the phone, inviting them out to learn from them. Indeed, now with the mystery of rasa solved in such a seemingly supernatural way, I had to agree. Why not? You hear about people getting mysterious urges to go to the doctor for some innocent ailment only to discover they have cancer. What about people who have unexplained "feelings" about a situation only to discover later that they escaped a tragic demise. Why wouldn't God use the reoccurring vision of a black horse and the repeated word rasa during times of praying in the Spirit to lead me to a tool not found in the Christian realm so that I might be just the one to deliver it to His hurting people? Some people ask why, I ask, why not?

Click here to read Part 1