From HEAL - Next Stop England

Forward: A two-part story of a woman's quest for healing PTSD. Taking comfort in her religious faith, she also found herself continually and mysteriously drawn to an unknown black horse. Please enjoy this first installment and look for the rest of the story in the August HEAL Newsletter.

One evening, as we had done many times, my armorbearer* was praying in the Spirit for me and placing her hands on various parts of my ailing body which was writhing in pain from the aftereffects of PTSD. We both talked about the experience afterward and recognized a reoccurring word that she was speaking in her prayer language. That word was rasa. We had no idea what that meant but in times of frustration or anguish, my armorbearer would speak that word to me or write it in a card or on a slip of paper passed to me in church. The thought of that word gave me a strange sense of comfort, a knowing that somehow everything that was happening in my life was for a greater purpose.

Three years later, a wonderful thing happened during my regular time of prayer. I had made a practice of mentally going through a heavy wooden door set in a high rock wall to a beautiful, wild flower filled meadow rimmed by towering emerald firs. Once across the threshold, I would joyfully make my way down a short dirt path that felt like brown sugar under my bare feet. After crossing a low wooden bridge, worn smooth by the travels I had made there, I would stand in awe on the green lawn of a Romanesque estate perched on a high cliff overlooking an expansive, lush valley. I always arrived at what seemed to be the back of the estate where I would pass beyond the hedge of rose bushes and massive marble pillars that held a beautifully painted fresco on the ceiling to climb three or four limestone steps imbedded with an abalone mosaic. In the center of the patio area under the beauty of this structure, there would always be a chaise or oversized chair, a small table with a delicious treat and refreshing drink, and long, gauze-like fabric hanging down to the smooth limestone floor that would gently billow on an unseen breeze. Remarkably each time I visit this place the color of the sitting area and the hedge of roses transforms. Some days it is all a royal purple, or pink, or yellow, or white with roses to match. And every time, Jesus shows up. Sometimes He is waiting there for me, sitting patiently on the limestone steps or reclining on the chaise. Other times He plays an intriguing game of hide-and-seek where I can sense His presence but I cannot see Him. Then when I begin talking to Him, He suddenly appears with a beaming smile from behind a marble pillar or well manicured hedge. We eventually make our way to the sitting area, the limestone steps or wander around the English style manicured garden. We talk about everything and sometimes nothing at all. It is in this place that I revive my spirit and my faith.

One particularly difficult visit to the prayer place, as I call it, resulted in an astoundingly wonderful experience. I was deeply troubled by the events of sexual abuse that had occurred in my early years, much of which was driving my PTSD symptoms, and had decided to invite that little girl part of me who had been so abused to the prayer place. The reality was that the little girl in me was making a mess of my life. She was unmanageable. I would be conducting my life as an adult when suddenly, I would respond to a situation or circumstance like a ten year old. Where was this coming from!? I brought her to the prayer place so I could introduce her to Jesus and ask Him what I should do with her. I remember her clinging closely behind me, like a shadow; yet not allowing me to touch or assist her in any way. All I could do was walk confidently ahead and sneak a glance or two behind to see if she was still in view. As we came over the wooden bridge, she quickly stepped to the edge of the babbling creek side and began playing in the water with her hands. Just as well, I thought. I went on just a few yards away to the covered patio where a deep royal purple awaited me. Jesus was already there waiting for me, seated in an oversized chair. I dropped onto the edge of the plush plum colored chaise and looked into His eyes. With a charming smile resting upon His lips He said, "It looks like you brought a visitor." I shook my head in agreement. We sat there for a long time watching her play in the water and eventually turned our attention to each other and the struggles I had been having during my healing process. Before long I realized that the little girl had ventured up onto the patio with us where she was intently listening from behind the chaise. "I don't know what to do with her," I explained. Jesus knew she had been there all along and now tentatively reached out to her with His kind words. "Well, who is this beautiful one?" The little girl blushes and retreats behind the chaise. He looks intently at me and tells me to bring her here often, that it will help her to understand the pain that we are both going through and give her a chance to rest. I agree as the little girl and I return back down the path to the doorway in the wall. I notice as we make our way back that the little girl is walking with her head turned over her shoulder. She can't take her eyes off of Him.

Kathleen Ingram & Gem

Several days later, I was struggling with the little girl inside me. I had learned to ask her what it was she needed or what I could do to comfort her and on this occurrence she replied, "Take me to see that man." I knew immediately who she was referring to. Once we passed over the threshold, she was off and running down the brown sugar path to the creek where she dabbled in the water until I caught up. As I passed over the wooden bridge she slipped into position behind me. We approached the limestone stairs where Jesus was waiting for us. He focused His attention on her immediately, asking her all kinds of little girl questions to which she would only answer with a nod. After a time, He gazes reassuringly at me and motions to the seating area which was once again adorned in a luscious purple. I took my seat on the chaise closest to the big chair that Jesus sat in and amazingly the little girl climbed up on the chaise beside me. I looked at Jesus in surprise and He responded with a genuine laugh. As the warmth of the day went on, I shared the struggles and joys the little girl and I had experienced since our last visit. On occasion, He would ask the little girl about the details of what I was revealing and the conversation would turn to one between the two of them. It was during one of these moments that almost simultaneously upon His telling her He had a gift for her, I heard a familiar sound from long ago coming from behind the chaise. All at once I heard a heavy breathing and the gentle snorting of nostrils as the little girl spun around to look over the back of the chaise. Behind us reaching out as far as his regal neck would allow was an enormous, jet black horse with a long, fairy tale mane and tail. My jaw dropped open and my eyes must have bulged out of their sockets. The little girl squealed with delight and bounded down the limestone to the side of the horse. I realized that Jesus was laughing a hard belly laugh as I turned my astonished gaze in His direction. He answered my questions before I could ask them, "I thought she needed a companion. He will teach her many things about herself and don't worry, she is perfectly safe."

From that point on, we visited the prayer place often so the little girl could spend time with her new found friend. For hours she would play with his mane as he lay in the shady green grass beside her, or they would run together in the wildflower meadow all the while the great black horse tossing his royal head and snorting his delight with her. It wasn't long before I saw the lanky girl lying across the length of his back, chewing on a long piece of grass in the bright sun as the slick coal black horse grazed his way across the meadow. I often wondered how she managed to climb atop the steed who was easily twice her size and one day I saw how. They had been playing by the creek when the black horse began nudging her insistently with his muzzle. The girl would giggle and the horse would snort as he nudged her again, hard enough to cause her to stumble backward a few steps. At this she would laugh out loud and say, "Ok, ok!" Then, the most amazing thing happened. The great black horse crouched down low on his front knees so that with very little effort at all, the little girl was able to climb upon his back just behind his shoulders. It wasn't until she had grabbed a large handful of his flowing mane and gave him the word that he would return to his upright, regal position. The girl draped herself forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on his mane as he slowly walked away toward the woods ringing the meadow. That was an amazing sight. The bond that had been created between them was strong and loving. I couldn't help wonder if somehow Jesus had taken the form of a black horse in order to win the trust of this wounded soul. Finally, the day came where the little girl no longer returned to the reality side of the wall with me. She was quite content to stay there in the loving presence of the Lord and this mysterious friend of hers.

Five years from the first moment the word rasa passed from my armorbearer's lips, I began to grow weary in my healing journey. Many victories had been won but there was still so much more to accomplish, many more enemies to be flushed from the shadows of my mind. I just didn't know if I had the energy to continue...

You can read Part 2 of The Black Horse in HEAL's August Newsletter.

*Armorbearer: a biblical term used to describe the role of the one who carried the shield and armor of a leader as he went into battle often acting as a personal assistant. A modern day armorbearer is one called by God to serve and help his or her assigned leader in life, ministry, and especially in the fight of faith. In essence, an armorbearer is called to attend to, minister to, care for, help, be of use, assist, benefit, promote, support, make easy for, nourish, and encourage their leader.