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Somehow, I had missed reading Shel Silverstein's classic, The Giving Tree. As I mentioned last week, some friends recently suggested that The Giving Tree had messages for me. What are those messages? Do I concur with his fans that Silverstein celebrates the virtue of self-sacrificing love? Or, do I agree with the critics, that he romanticizes the dysfunction of a codependent relationship? I am coming to see that, for me, the answer is not simple. It depends.
The sunny side of giving is a generous act that arises from the spirit of abundance, intended only to bless the life of another. I find that giving in such a spirit is joyful, and leaves me feeling stronger and richer for the experience. Giving anonymously feels best of all because it reinforces the purity of my intent.
The dark side of generosity is a self-centered act that arises from a spirit of scarcity, fear, and desire for control. It is a thinly veiled bribe, intended to generate appreciation, love, or a comparable gift in return. Sometimes I give because it is expected. I give because I want to be seen as generous. I may sometimes offer a material token as a substitute for giving of myself: warmth, forgiveness, or a sympathetic ear.
Most of my giving falls into the middle ground between purely selfless and blatantly ego-centric. I may give initially out of fullness and grace, but over time the giving wanes with a lack of positive response. If I were the Giving Tree, and the time came for my boy to build a house, I might well tell him to make it out of stone.
I find that I look for balance between selfless giving and mutuality. I clearly see the value of a gift offered with pure intention and no expectation of return. However, I also believe that healthy long-term relationships include a dynamic of give and take. I believe that persistent, one-sided giving can generate unhealthy dependency, guilt, frustration, and resentment in both giver and receiver. I believe there are times when it is more blessed to withhold a gift than to offer it. I pray for the wisdom to know when that time has come.
How do you deal with the dilemmas around giving? Are your gifts tied in strings or wrapped in bows? Is that OK, or does it deserve some reflection and adjustment?
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