It's Not What You Say; It's How You Say It

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June 17, 2009

It's Not What You Say; It's How You Say It

My mother is my best friend, my confidant, my biggest champion, my teacher, and one of the most cherished gifts I have been given in this lifetime. She believes in me when my belief in myself wavers. She sees my potential when I cannot. She encourages me to follow my heart and has always supported any path I choose. For my entire life, I have felt, known and witnessed her unconditional love - loving me and being there no matter what I do or say. She is an Angel.

My mother also pushes my buttons, irritates me, and sometimes drives me crazy. She challenges me to see the family programs, passed on from generation to generation that have influenced the person I am today - positively and negatively. She shows me how we are different by the way we view certain situations. She triggers a bitchy, adolescent reaction inside of me that seeps out in her presence from time to time. She serves as a mirror, reflecting back to me that which I have not accepted inside of myself. She is one of my greatest teachers.

During her most recent visit, we both experienced an opportunity for growth. After several days of observing a certain behavior, I decided to call her on it. I was frustrated and annoyed and felt the need to speak my truth. So, just before we were to sit down for dinner, I called her out on the unconscious behavior that was pushing my buttons. I was pissed and the reactive energy that was building inside of me got stronger and stronger with the words I spoke. The content of my feedback was constructive, yet my tone of voice was judgmental, belittling and condescending and it became evident after several minutes, that I hurt her feelings. We could not comfortably continue to process our disagreement over dinner, so we tabled our discussion until we finished eating. Realizing we needed some alone time to process, I proposed that we take a walk.

During our walk, we both had collected ourselves and had shifted from being reactive to constructive. My mom could hear me and I could hear her. She reminded me that "It's not what you say; its how you say it." When she said this, I could clearly see the adolescent bitch inside of me. The adolescent bitch gives looks, talks down, reacts, defends, and judges. All qualities that I aspire NOT to have. I don't know why the bitch is triggered in the presence of my mother, but it certainly is an opportunity for growth and fine tuning. I took ownership of working on my tone of voice and how I say things. She took ownership to be more mindful and aware in her practice of listening and asking questions. Together, we committed to continue sharing our process and helping one another grow. Thank you, mom.

If you have found yourself in a power struggle with a family member, loved one, or co-worker, you may want to use it as an opportunity for increasing your personal awareness. Here are a few takeaways that I learned this past week that may be helpful for you too.

Check to see if your goals and desires are aligned with what the other person wants. (Note: in my case, my mother and I sit on each other's Life Board of Directors. That means we are deeply committed to supporting each other's highest potential so giving each other constructive feedback is part of the agreement.)
Give yourself time to reflect rather than react. (Note: In my case, I could have focused on breathing and getting dinner ready rather than reacting and getting into a confrontation with my mother at that time.)
Propose a time to be present with the issues. For example, say something like, "I have something to share with you, are you in a place to discuss it now or can we make time in an hour?"

This process of communication requires two parties equally committed to the desired outcome. Depending on the circumstance, the other person may not be able or willing to communicate with you in this manner. Use your discretion as to what seems most appropriate. This week, tune into the Solstice energies at work and cultivate your inner awareness and inner growth.

I wish all of the father's a wonderful Father's Day this Sunday and may you delight in the magic of the Summer Solstice on June 21st.

With love & light,