August 28, 2015



Happy Monday everyone!
By the time this reaches you, almost all Connecticut children will be back at school. Families will be buying notebooks and markers and signing hundreds (or at least it feels that way!) of forms for school. If you are anything like me, your feelings are mixed about the advent of school schedules, homework and early morning buses. I take great comfort in knowing that my kids are back on a predictable schedule and actively engaged in learning once again! I also miss the lazy days of summer.... 

Northwestern families - we hope you had a wonderful time at our annual Quassy Family Day. Over 500 family members rode the rides, swam at the beach, enjoyed the thrills of the water park rides and ate their fill of hot dogs, burgers and barbecued chicken. We feel blessed to be able to provide you all with such a popular event every year.

If you are parenting a child of high school age, please sign them up for our annual college fair. Last year the youth had a blast, learned a lot and left filled with hope for their futures.

Enjoy the last warm days of the summer season!

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News and Items of Interest

Check out all the great information we've been posting on our coalition Facebook Page this past month!

Star of the Month
Star of the Month
Each month one of our member agencies feature a "star" whose service to children in out-of-home care deserves special recognition.
 
Stars receive a small gift from the coalition and a certificate of appreciation from the nominating agency. This month we are pleased to share a "star" from our partners at the Department of Children and Families, Torrington office.  

Beth and Evan Langlois live with their daughter who was adopted through DCF and their foster son who they will be adopting within the next few months, also through DCF. The family resides in their own home in a rural community where Evan is a pastor at the local Lutheran church. Beth stays at home full time after leaving her career as a high school teacher to raise her children. Evan and Beth impress everyone who comes into contact with them as warm and loving people who one feels immediately comfortable with. Being in their presence is always a positive experience attested to by all involved DCF staff. Evan and Beth decided to adopt after a mission trip to Guatamala during which they prayed a lot about their experience with infertility issues. Ultimately, Evan feels that his prayers were answered when he met his daughter right after her birth while she was still in the hospital as their daughter's placement in their home was as a "Safe Haven" baby. There was no involvement of the biological family and due to those circumstances the adoption happened very smoothly and quickly. Although a Safe Haven situation is filled with unknowns, their daughter was a very healthy baby who has reached all her developmental milestones age appropriately.  The experience of becoming parents was so overwhelming positive that the Langlois' wanted to adopt again through DCF and were selected for a newborn in September 2014. As fate would have it, prior to his birth, his older half sibling required respite care for a time and the Langlois' provided this for his paternal grandparents who were caring for him for a period of time. Through their respite involvement with the half sibling, they met the paternal grandparents and a paternal cousin. Once teamed and selected for their foster son, they realized the connection they had in that they had provided respite for his older half sibling and had met paternal family members.  Eventually when the plan was no longer reunification, the father was able to acknowledge his inability to care for his younger son and voice his support of an adoption plan by Evan and Beth. The Langlois', however, needed to work with a reunification plan with the biological mother over an extended period of time including many difficult situations that caused hardships for the child. As they always put the children's needs first, this was very hard for Evan and Beth, however, they were able to be flexible and obtained support when they most needed it so that they could work cooperatively with DCF which ultimately led to the adoption of their second child.  

Kathleen Dayner
FASU Social Worker
DCF logo
 Torrington DCF office 





As a postscript, we spoke with Evan Langlois recently where he shared his feelings about working with DCF:  

Evan praised his son's worker, Maggie Cantana, for her honesty and her help with visits. Both parents expressed deep appreciation for all the support they received from their FASU worker, Kathy Dayner, who got them through some tough days. "Our experience with our second child was harder than the Safe Haven experience and very different. Kathy Daynor is phenomenal. We've been able to lean on her due to her depth of experience." The Langlois' are very happy that their family has been built through the foster care to adoption experience and are grateful to DCF for helping them build their family. ~Deb Kelleher  
Loss
 
FACTCT.net  
Losing someone is never easy. When someone dies there are ceremonies that help us, people give us support, and in the moment, at least, we feel like we can get through the next moment, with the support. We go in and out of all these stages, some last longer than others, and depending on who we lost some stages last longer than others, and we visit them more often than others.


Imagine being a child, and not only did you lose someone, you lost everyone. Your parents, your siblings, your extended family, your pets, your home, your friends, your community, ......and no one left you...you were pulled out of the arms of the parent that other grownups see something wrong with, but you love....then you are driven away...you get to sit in an office, for God knows how long...waiting...you don't know for what...you don't know what you did....you don't know where you are going....and then you go to someone's home...for the night...back to the office to wait.....then you get "lucky" and they find a family....and they tell you you are lucky...and they tell you it will be alright...but you don't even know who "they" are you just know "they" took you from everything you know....and then you "get to" go to a stranger's home...you don't know the rules...you don't know the standards...they may or may not share your culture, your language, your food, the kind of community you are used to.....they tell you that you can call them Mom and Dad...but you have one..... and that is only the first 48 hours....There is no support...there is no ceremony....no one is bringing you food...no one is telling you they are sorry...hell, no one is even telling you it is not your fault.....imagine what stage you would visit...or choose to live in....

Have patience with our children in foster care, or those being raised by people who did not give birth to them...their journey has been difficult...more difficult that one can imagine,....and they did not start that journey because they were safe...so on top of all the losses, and all the changes...they have been hurt...in so many ways...yes, they are cranky...yes, they melt...yes, they are mad...wouldn't you be?

When we got our youngest, he was 2 years old, a stocky little thing. We knew him because we had already adopted his sister and she saw him and their then 4 year old brother, and their mom regularly. When mom left with the social worker, I told my then 13 year old daughter, to take the four year old and I would comfort the two year old...who promptly threw a punch and told me in no uncertain terms "to leave me alone you stupid F*$*&*# A&%$#@( .......wherever we went he swung his little fists and told whomever to "Move A#$%%^&" ....or some other equally nice greeting. I would look down and say "We use friendly words not mean words" and people would look at me like I was a moron wondering why I was not doing more..It took six months before he stopped. He had a lot to be angry about. People did not have a lot of patience. Now...his brother...who would look ever so sweet and pathetic and would explain to anyone who would listen that his father beat his mother and he had to leave....everyone wanted to give him support....it is sometimes the angriest of kids that need the most hugs, the most understanding , the most support....not that the others don't as well...we are all just more likely to give it to the sad ones.

Children go through grief in their own way, and their language skills get in the way. Developmentally, they do not always have the right words to explain their understanding, and what we are thinking they mean, is not at all what they mean (of course I was clear what mine was saying..but that is not what I mean about language skills). They interpret the world in their own way, with their own history in it....and it is influenced by the amount of losses they have already had, the amount of safety they have had, the amount of support they have had, as well as their ability to manage their emotions, their sensory systems, and trust that those around them will take care of them.

Keep in mind that when a child has suffered loses, and they have suffered trauma, being hot/cold, being hungry, being homesick, lonely, tired, ..... a smell...a word...a visual....all can trigger them...and we won't even know it. The best thing you can do for a grieving child, is honor their grief. Allow them their memories. Allow them to have pictures of their loved ones. Allow them to talk about the memories...Allow them to go at their own pace. Don't try to replace anyone. Let them take their journey at their own pace. Stop talking..listen...validate....care....pull them into your circle.... you do not need words to help a kid. the more helpless we feel, the more we want to explain....Trust me ...stop talking...There is no explanation. Validate and care...
Kathi Legare, LCSW

The picture below was originally shared on the Family Affirmation Center for Treatment's Facebook Page.
  
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Meet Nathaniel

Nathaniel is a 14 year old African American and West Indies male.  He is a non-verbal young man who has significant medical needs.  He is a pleasant and happy youth.  He loves visits from family and phone calls from his mother who resides out of the country.  Most challenging for Nathaniel is his diagnosis of spastic diplegic cerebral palsy, a form of cerebral palsy marked by tense muscles and spasms. Leg muscles in particular tend to be extremely tight, and over time, this causes joints to stiffen, reducing the range of motion. He also has an upper airway obstruction which has led to a permanent tracheotomy.  Nathaniel's nutrition and medications are given through a G-tube. The complications due to the cerebral palsy require him to be in a wheelchair. A family willing to welcome Nathaniel into their lives would be given extensive training and ongoing support around his medical needs.

Nathaniel loves to be around people so he enjoys going to school.  One goal for him is to be able to use muscle coordination for communication through assistive technology. Nathaniel recently attended his school prom and enjoyed being with peers and listening to music.

A favorite of the nursing staff due to his perennially sunny disposition, Nathaniel would fit best with a family who could embrace his strengths and support him with the challenges of a lifelong disability.  The perfect long term family for Nathaniel is one that supports biological connections such as phone calls with his biological mother and visits from his sister and biological father. 

For more information about Nathaniel, contact Sue Plowman, M.S. at 475.235.2184 or email her at sue.plowman@anniec.org.
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