February E-Newsletter

Volume 5 Edition 2

In This Issue

AdoptUsKids

CT Heart Gallery

Suggested Reading

Open House Schedule

Support Groups

News and Items of Interest

Star of the Month

Parenting Tips

Training Opportunity

Contact Us

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Adoptive Parents

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Join the

CT Adoption Community Network on Facebook for news and information on trainings and adoption-related events.

Waiting Children
*Please click on the AdoptUSKids logo to view CT's children and youth waiting to be adopted who are registered with AdoptUSKids.*

CT Heart Gallery
*Please click on logo to view the write-ups and videos of CT's children and youth waiting to be adopted. (These children and youth may be different from the ones listed on the AdoptUSKids site.)*

Suggested Reading

Books on Foster Care And Adoption

Click here to download a PDF file containing an updated comprehensive list of books on foster care and adoption topics, including childrens' books.

Have we forgotten one of your favorite books? Please let us know and we will be happy to add it to the list.

Open House Schedule

Want to learn more about foster/adoptive parenting?

Prospective foster and adoptive parents are welcome at any Open House listed on our website. Please call one of the regional coordinators listed at the bottom of this newsletter or

email us

for more information or to schedule an individual appointment.

Call or email your Regional Coordinator (see bottom of this newsletter) for the most current listing of open houses across the state. Our website is currently being upgraded and the calendar is temporarily unavailable.

FAM Support Groups
Post-Adoption Support Group 211 Schraffts Dr # A6 Beginning April 3rd Wednesday, 7pm No childcare. Relative Caregiver Support Group 211 Schraffts Dr # A6 4th Monday, 10 a.m. No childcare. Relative Caregiver Support Group Torrington Headstart Beginning November 1st & 3rd Saturday 10 a.m. Child care available with RSVP

Quick Links

Adoption Assistance Program

Adoption Community Network

-official kids' portal for the U.S. government

NAMI-CT

Help with mental illness resources and support

Represent Magazine

-national magazine written by youth in foster care

Spoonful

Wrightslaw -
CT page for resource relating todisability resources

February 28, 2014

Notice the beautiful photo of tree branches blossoming against a bright blue sky. Spring is almost here - a time of new beginnings and hope! A time when we all discover new-found energy to clean out our homes. For me it is also a time when I feel the energy to try new strategies with my kids. Check out the article from Heather Forbes below. There are lots of parenting tips there so you can "clean out" a few tired strategies and hopefully find a few new ones to add to your "bag of tricks."

Earlier this week I attended a meeting for the Regional Advisory Council (RAC) for the Torrington, Waterbury and Danbury region. The mission statement of the RAC is: "We want to advocate and promote the accessibility and delivery of services in order to fully utilize available resources, strengthen ties between children and families and public agencies through appreciation of cultural diversity and inclusion of underrepresented constituencies." The RAC is actively recruiting licensed parents as well as youth and allies (social workers, professionals, and anyone who cares about kids in care) to serve on one of six sub-committees focusing on adolescents in care. The sub-committee topics are:

Education Preparation
Homelessness/CHAP/Transitional Services
Employment
Social Worker Knowledge/Caseload
Adolescent Foster Homes
Mental Health Needs

If you would be interested in volunteering your time and talent to this worthy cause please contact me by email or phone at 203.706.0101.

With great hope for warm days, crocuses and daffodils,

News and Items of Interest

Click on the calendar at right to see FAM events.

Check out all the great information we've been posting on Facebook recently!

Parents: if you don't know about this drinking game, you should. Neknominate: 'Lethal' drinking game sweeps social media
Another story of a teen in foster care makes the national news. Lone San Francisco 49ers Fan At Seattle Parade Turns Out To Be Homeless Teen
Connecticut DCF to increase it's focus on safe infant sleep environments. DCF Pushes For Safer Sleeping Conditions For Infants
Great article to share with others about the value of educating kids about adoption. This mom's son experienced what many adopted kids experience on the playground. It shouldn't have happened. Parents, please educate your kids about adoption so mine don't have to.
Very understandable article on how genetic heritage affects kids not raised by their birth families. Adoption and Genetics: Implications for Adoptive Parents
This is a very interesting quiz! How did you score? (Hint: we did not do as well as we thought we would do.) Do you have a clue about teenage behavior? Take our quiz!

Star of the Month

Each month one of our member agencies feature a "star" whose service to children in foster care deserves special recognition.

Stars receive a small gift from FAM and a certificate of appreciation from the nominating agency. This month, we share a family from our partner,Family and Children's Aid.

Tricia and John Rubbo pursued foster care as they felt they could provide a better home life for a child than perhaps they had been given in the past. Tricia and John were licensed as a therapeutic foster family in July 2008 and their first foster child, a six-year-old boy, was placed shortly afterwards. They immediately accepted him as part of their family. They were very supportive of their foster son in all domains, including school, extracurricular activities, therapy and maintaining positive relationships with his biological family. He enjoyed going on family vacations to Lake George, NY and participated in local activities such as going to Lake Quassapaug and Lake Compounce. Upon Termination of Parental Rights, they adopted their foster son in July 2010.

Following the adoption Tricia and John were always willing to lend a helping hand, providing respite and assisting other Family and Children's Aid families in any way they could. In February 2013, two siblings were placed with them. Tricia and John welcomed them into their family just as they did their first placement. They recognize that each of the children has different needs and they are accommodating to each one's specific needs. They provide the siblings with a warm, loving and supportive home life. Tricia and John want what is best for the siblings and are working with DCF on the case plan of reunification.

We would like to thank Tricia and John Rubbo, as well as their entire family, for their continuous dedication and support to Family and Children's Aid. And the children in their care. We appreciate all that they do and wish them continued success throughout their journey as foster/adoptive parents!

Caitlin Belardinelli
Therapeutic Foster Care Recruiter & Case Worker
Family and Children's Aid

www.fcaweb.org

Parenting Tips

Heather Forbes of the Beyond Consequences Institute, recently wrote an article with helpful tips for anyone parenting a child or youth with challenging behaviors.

"The Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC was created to educate and provide the resources for helping children with severe acting out behaviors. Many of these children have been previously diagnosed with such disorders as reactive attachment disorder, bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, depression, and the list goes on and on."

You can check out her website by clicking here.

Below are the parenting tips that appear in the article. We hope you find them helpful.

Here are a few ideas to keep in mind when you are working to make an emotional connection with your child:

Remember that you cannot make the connection happen...you can only create an environment for it to happen (relieve yourself of the pressure).

You are simply there to support and to encourage your child.

When your child begins to express his/her feelings, validate, encourage, and stay present with your child in the moment. Watch the body for signals (80% of communication is non-verbal).

Help to keep the process focused on the emotional piece. "How did that make you feel." Look at the child's face, "You look really mad" or "You look really scared." Avoid solutions at that moment.

Get out of the logistical details and help your child into his/her feelings. "Tell me how it felt when that happened."

If your child begins to slip back into a cognitive/rational place, watch the body for when they constrict when talking. When you notice this, encourage your child to go back to the emotional piece that goes with the story being told. Stay open to his/her process.

You have to be able to handle the depth of emotional pain your child is experiencing. If he senses you are getting overwhelmed, he will cut the story short in order to make you okay.

With these ideas in mind, I'm also going to list some actual phrases that might be helpful. It is very important not to say these words like a script, however. Your child will know immediately when the words are being given from the head as opposed to the heart. Use your passion as a parent to convince your child that you want to know his struggle.

If your child rejects your efforts, saying something like, "You're just trying to therapize me!" You can be honest with your reply, "It probably feels that way! You're right. But I know the more I offer my love and connection, the better off we are going to be."

"I know it is hard, but the more you keep it inside of you, the harder it gets."
"I need to know how bad it was for you."
"You're not in trouble."
"Give yourself permission to have a voice."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Stay with it, Billy. You're not alone in it."
"Open up to the pain. You're safe now, so let it out."
"I had no idea this was so hard for you!"
"Breathe. Take a deep breath." (Take a deep breath to model it for your child).
"I've gotta have it...I need to have your feelings."
"You don't have to carry it all."
"That's too much pain to have all by yourself. Can you let me share it with you?"
"I want to understand you better and if I know how you feel, I'll be able to do what you need me to do."
"I love you no matter how you feel."
"Give yourself permission to have a voice. I'm listening."
"I can handle whatever you went through."
"Look at me, Billy." (If the child begins to hide in shame, have him/her stay connected with you, but never force eye contact.)
Use your own story to connect: "I remember when I was a little girl and a friend of mine was really mean to me...."
Be quiet...if these words start irritating the child, slow down, sit down, be quiet, and just be present.
Take responsibility for your child's pain. You may not have been able to change the situation in the way she/he needed you to. Yet, feel it with him/her. Join your child and open yourself to your own tears. Work to understand your child's perspective. "I'm so sorry it hurts you that I wasn't there...."
Avoid words like, "It's okay. It's over." Instead, invite them to give you more, "I know it hurt, show me how much it hurt." Be conscious of your conditioned response of making it better. Allow your child to drop the feelings completely. Ironically, we try to avoid the feelings to make it better, yet acknowledging the feeling and allowing the child this emotional space is precisely what will make it better.
Feel the pain with your child and open your heart. Your child will only open up as much as you are opened up to the pain.
Maximize instead of minimize. Go into the pain and the story to explore the issue without down playing or negating what your child is sharing. Getting your child back to a sense of reality will come later, after the emotions have been expressed.
Trust in the process...the outcome is determined by staying present in each moment of the process!

Practice this with your friend, spouse, partner, and even your boss! The more you live out of the emotional side of being human, the more natural this will come to you.

Taken with permission of The Beyond Consequences Institute.

Training Opportunity
This training is free and open to the public. Families in Region 5 (Waterbury/Danbury/Torrington areas) can apply to receive post-licensing credit for the 6 hours of training offered. Families from outside of region 5 need to contact their support worker and ask if training credit will be available if they attend. Click here to download PDF

Contact Information
Northwestern CT Regional Coordinator: Deb Kelleher 203.706.0101 Email Greater New Haven Area Regional Coordinators: Ashley Minihan 203.394.8506 Email Laura Rainey Email Central/Southeastern CT Coordinator: Alana Jones 860.710.1593 Email