Awareness of Conflict
Last October I participated in the provisional lay minister certification of one of our ABCOPAD academy students, George Prinkey. At the association meeting, the interim who is serving with the Richardsville congregation, Rev. Dr. Phillip Moschenrose gave a presentation on conflict. Phillip is open to talking to pastors and churches about this.
But I was truly touched by what he shared. Here are some highlights:
Conflict is a part of every healthy relationship. We do not all think exactly the same thing in the same way, but just the presence of conflict is not necessarily bad - rather, it is normal. But, there are ways in which conflict escalates that are not healthy.
Escalation #1: Making it personal. When we take a disagreement and start to personalize it as someone else's issue and not also our own, we begin to get into trouble. Relationships are multi-sided and each party in the relationship has a responsibility to the other party in the relationship. If you think about this, this slight escalation happens all the time.
"Well, if ______ (your spouse) would just stop..."
"Well, if ______ (name) would just stop...."
"Well, if the _______ (leadership team) would just stop..."
We seem to be gifted with making things personal. But to resolve the conflict you have to work together on a resolution of the issue at hand. Issue not personality. It's tough.
Escalation #2: Win or Lose. Phillip shared that as we make it personal and keep the pressure on, it grows into a Win or Lose situation. The person escalating the conflict begins to desire to make sure that they win at all costs. Taken to the extreme, they begin to enlist supporters against whomever they wish to lose over this particular issue. And issue by the way that they are not working to resolve.
Escalation #3: Destroy. When we get committed to winning and someone or some group of people losing, eventually if left unchecked our motives turn to destruction. Beyond winning - we want "them" destroyed. At its worst, the person / people destroying as so committed to destruction of the "others" that they are willing to destroy themselves in the process - just so long as the others are destroyed as well.
Phillip does a better job of explaining this, but I was very blessed by what he shared. He would love to talk to you about this. You can contact Phillip at: [email protected]
I have spent the last several months listening to broken relationships and trying to discern at what level the conflict has escalated. I've even tried to listen to myself for clues about my own behavior. I must share with you, this is a humbling exercise.
Phillip is doing a wonderful work at Richardsville. They were very conflicted, and would admit this. But people who once saw each other as "them" are once again seeing each other as family. This is huge. While at George's service no fewer than 10 people approached me to let me know what a God-send Pastor Phillip was. Praise the Lord! To God be the glory!
A Blessed Easter to all of you!
We appreciate all you do!
Kevin
Rev. Dr. Kevin Walden
ABCOPAD Regional Pastor with Pastoral Leaders
Coordinator of the ABCOPAD Interim Minister Network
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