Everything I Needed to Know About Pastoral Care
I Learned from Cleaning a Refrigerator
The Rev. Patricia Leonard-Pasley, Rector, St. Andrew's, Milford I wish I could say that I learned what it means to give pastoral care from seminary, or CPE, but I can't. I learned it from cleaning out a refrigerator. Six years ago, a friend had a miscarriage. She was five months pregnant. On that particular day, that particular doctor's visit was routine, except for the fact that her baby had died sometime between that visit and the previous one, and for the fact that her husband was heading to Federal prison to serve a two-year sentence. I stayed with her that first night. I made the couch comfortable. I brought food. "You haven't talked about it." I said the next day. "Not with you," she replied. I got it. I didn't like it, but I got it. I had been pregnant exactly five times. I have had exactly five babies. My husband was at work, not prison. "Then what should we do?" I asked. "My refrigerator is disgusting," she said. "Then let's clean it," was the best pastoral response I could come up with in the moment. She sat on a kitchen chair, with a blanket, and I pitched and tossed and scrubbed for what seemed like hours. As I worked, we talked about funny things, our childhood, my children's antics, her eccentric mother, but nothing about lost babies or husbands in prison. Until recently, I had always thought of that experience as a failure on my part. "I never got her to talk. I should have been able to get her to talk." But now, the voice in my head whispers something else: I met her, where she was. I stayed, even when I felt I was no help at all. I listened to what she was telling me; I can only take this in, in small doses. I may never want to talk about this with you, but I don't want you to leave. You can clean my fridge. Suffering, our own, or someone else's, can be a great teacher; but she is never the teacher anybody wants. She is the mandatory class, the one you wouldn't sign up for if you had a choice. That being said, she is still a darn good teacher. Suffering reminds us of the things that we would rather forget, like the fact that life is fragile, that we are not in control, and that being good, or bad, or rich, or even green, provides us no protection. Suffering, at some point, comes to us all. And in that moment (if we have not mastered the art of performing miracles), the only real choice we have is to join someone, to let them join us, or to run. The first two options, I have learned, require some real education, or re-education on our part, and some courage. To really be able to join someone in their pain asks us to name some of our own personal demons. Demons like, "I don't like conflict. I'm scared of dying. I hate looking helpless, or feeling stupid," or whatever it is we use or cling to, that makes us feel safe and competent. None of these "go-to" ways are our friend when offering pastoral care. This work is hard, but it is worth it. It enables us to be with a hurting person in a very particular way. It says to the other; "I have come unarmed. I have left my defenses at the door. I didn't bring my 'Super Priest' cape, or my seminary-certified theology with me, it's just me, and it's just you." It allows our "How are you?" to be just that, A REAL QUESTION. And here's the best part, it's not just any question, and not just any person can ask it. It is the pastor's question. It says, "It took some time for me to get here, just like it took some time for you to get here. I will not fix you, andI cannot heal you, just like l cannot heal or fix myself, but you and I together can become a little more aware of what needs healing in each other." And in this space that we have just made holy, God joins the conversation. Amid all the mystery that is pastoral work, and despite the short time I have had to practice, this is the one true thing I know: God shows up. When my vast pastoral skill-set peters out after my initial greeting, or when I begin to stutter, the Spirit intercedes, with sighs to deep for words. I know, I heard them once, while cleaning out a refrigerator. Oh, what an amazing life we have chosen!
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Appeal for a Kidney Donor
The Rev. Canon Mark K. J. Robinson, Rector of Saint Ann's Church in Old Lyme, Connecticut, has been diagnosed with stage 4 kidney failure and is on short term disability leave until he receives a transplant and recovers. He has enrolled with the National Kidney Registry to become eligible for a donated kidney from any source. The preferred choice is a living, matching donor. Another option is for Mark to receive a kidney through an exchange of kidneys between various matching donors and recipients. Mark's transplant team is prepared to transplant him as soon as a suitable match is found, which will take place at Yale-New Haven Hospital in New Haven, Connecticut.
Because of the many factors involved, it is difficult to find a suitable kidney donor. Anyone who might be willing to be a kidney donor for Mark or would be willing to participate in an exchange for Mark's benefit should contact the Transplant Coordinator's Office at Yale-New Haven: 866 925 3897. Please indicate that you are calling in regard to possibly donating a kidney for Mark Robinson. The Coordinator can answer any questions about the process, such as the risks, the tests required to determine the match, and the expected recovery period for the donor. All costs associated with the preliminary tests and the operation are all covered by Mark's insurance. The transplant unit will not accept donors who are overweight or who have been exposed to hepatitis, have had malaria, been treated with radiation, or who have been on dialysis. Also, in most cases donors must be under 65 years old. If you have any questions you can contact Michael Perks, mperks1@aol.com, 860-434-7732.
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Berkeley at Yale Engages CT Clergy and Lay Leaders
in Ongoing Leadership Development
This spring, Berkeley Divinity School will host two events to promote leadership development in the Episcopal Church. All are welcomed to engage in these important discussions and forums.
Becoming the Future Church
with Bishop Andrew Doyle, Texas
Monday, April 4
11:30 a.m. - 1:30 p.m.
Yale Divinity School
The Rt. Rev. Andrew Doyle, Bishop of Texas and author, will present a lecture entitled Becoming The Future Church. Space will be limited to the first fifty who register. Participants will also receive a copy of Bishop Doyle's latest book, A Generous Community, and a box lunch. Registration deadline is March 31. In gratitude for your support of Berkeley, there will be no charge to you for this event.
Wesley-Royce Summer Symposium
June 6 & 7 (noon to noon)
Yale Divinity School
The Wesley-Royce Summer Symposium will feature the just-released Rise: Bold Strategies to Transform Your Church. Participants will hear from and engage with Cally Parkinson, the author, and Eric Aronson, the lead researcher. Jay Sidebotham will also convene a panel of leaders who have adapted this type of research to suit the needs of Episcopal parishes. There is a $100 fee for this two-day Symposium which includes two lunches and a dinner. After the event Jay will offer a two-hour workshop for parishes wishing to learn more about the work of his organization, Renewal Works.
Yale Divinity School 409 Prospect Street New Haven, CT 06511
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Pull out your day planner!
Make sure the below events are on your calendar, if they are not already
Clergy Renewal of Vows
Tuesday, March 22
9 a.m. - 3 p.m.
Camp Washington*
*Note the update - this event is NOT at the Cathedral
Spring Training & Gathering
Saturday, April 2
9 a.m. to 4 p.m.
Lincoln Middle School, Meriden.
Online Registration Deadline - March 20
Clergy Conference
Monday, May 23 - Wednesday, May 25
Itinerary is provided in the registration link, below.
Sheraton Hartford South Hotel
100 Capital Boulevard
Rocky Hill, CT 06067
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Clergy Safe Church Recertification
All clergy within the Episcopal Church in Connecticut are required to complete Comprehensive (Basic) Safe Church Training. (This includes newly ordained clergy and clergy new to Connecticut.) Clergy may attend any of the basic safe church training sessions. Clergy must attend a recertification training every five years. Dates, locations, and registration links to the 2016 Safe Church Recertification is below.
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Transitions Ministry Corner
Parishes in Transition
Christ Church, New Haven....Interviewing complete (Ann Broomell, Interim)
Grace Church, Broad Brook.............................Missional Priest identified
Grace Church, Hartford..........................................Using Supply Priests
Old St. Andrew's, Bloomfield...........................Interim in place: Alex Dyer
St. Andrew's, Madison........................Accepting Names thru 4/15 (Jenny Matheson, Interim)
St. James, New London.................................Interim in place: Bob Miner
St. John's, North Haven....................Interim in place: Louise Kalemkarian
St. John's, Waterbury............................................Using Supply Priests
St. Mark's, Storrs.......................................Interim in place: Hilary Greer
St. Mary's, Manchester................................Interim in place: Lynne Grifo
St. Martin's, Hartford........................................Seeking Missional Priest
St. Paul's, Darien...............Interviewing complete (Chuck Hoffman, Interim)
St. Paul's, Fairfield.......................................Interim in place: Amy Welin
St. Paul's, Riverside.....................................Interim in place: Alon White
St. Paul's & St. James, New Haven.........................Using Supply Priests
St. Peter's, Milford.................................Interim in place: Cynthia Knapp
St. Peter's, South Windsor............................................Seeking Interim
St. Timothy's, Fairfield...............................Interim in place: Max Maxwell
Trinity Church, Seymour..............................................Interim identified
Trinity Church, Trumbull.................................Seeking Interim (half-time)
Please contact Lee Ann Tolzmann (latolzmann@episcopalct.org) with any questions about the TMC or the process. I look forward to working with you.
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Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary Celebration
ECCT needs names of couples married 50+ years for invitiation
The Aging and Life Planning Network is preparing for a Golden Wedding Anniversary Celebration for couples in ECCT who are married fifty years or more. This event will be held at Christ Church Cathedral, Hartford, CT on Sunday, May 15, 2016 at 3:00 p.m.
Bishops Ian T. Douglas and Laura J. Ahrens will celebrate this service. It will include the renewal of marriage vows and presentation of commemorative certificates to all couples. A reception will follow.
The purpose of this celebration is to:
1. Honor couples who have realized this milestone.
2. Publicly emphasize the vows the church holds up in marriage.
3. Provide inspiration to others.
The Aging and Life Planning Network is asking parish clergy and senior wardens to provide names and addresses of couples who were married on or before December 31, 1966. They would also like to recognize those same-sex couples who have been together for 50 years and are now married. Please submit names and contact information by Friday, April 15, 2016 to Suzanne DeMerchant at sdemerchant@episcopalct.org
The Bishops will extend an invitation to each couple including registration and event details. Your kindness in providing us with the information requested is very much appreciated. If you have any questions concerning this event, please feel free to contact any member of the committee.
Please reach out to Suzanne (email above) with any further questions.
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