In Gary's Words

MASKING WITHDRAWAL?

This morning while I was reading I was confronted with a question.

The question?

Have I been using Parkinson's as a wall to hide behind, a personally and socially acceptable reason to avoid interaction with other individuals? In short - have I been using Parkinson's to mask withdrawal.

I do not intend to play "blame the victim", especially since I am the victim. Some level of decreased interaction is unavoidable given the physical limitations imposed by the disease. Am I simply observing the social aspects of Parkinson's as the disease progresses over time, or am I participating in the loss?

Is there a way I can stand against the dual onslaught of Parkinson's and withdrawal?

I do not see myself as a fighter. I will not spend my life running from doctor to doctor searching for the latest theory and treatment. I will let someone else be the guinea pig. I choose to live my life as best I can, and when the cure is discovered, I believe it will be public knowledge. How can I be who God made me to be in the midst of this storm?

Lots of questions...

There seems to be a shortage of answers today.

While considering the topic of my struggle with withdrawal I wrote the following questions: 

How can I engage other people more? 

How can I be more present to others?

Maybe the answer to these two questions begins with dropping the word "more". Saying, "more", implies a comparison between present and past. For people dealing with degenerative condition's, that is not a legitimate comparison.

We also might try rewording the questions: 

What can I do to engage others? 

What can I do to be present to others?

What...   can...   I...   do???

Well...

I can attempt to arrange the environment to maximize what I can do. To facilitate engaging and being present to others I can set my brain stimulator to maximize my ability to talk when I am going to be in a talking environment. (My default setting maximizes moving.)

The cost: I have difficulty walking while in that setting. So, I will need to be extra careful if I need to move locations while the stimulator is set to maximize talking.

The benefit: I can be understood when I talk.

The problem: I still have to talk and sometimes my mind goes blank. I cannot think of a thing to say.

The root of the problem: Fear.

I am afraid of that period of silence.

Silence...  

No way... It is not quiet...   It has a voice...   A loud voice...

It screams out INCOMPETANT. There is no excuse for you.

You should be able to think of something to say.

WOW! REVELATION! INSIGHT!

As I sit here and look at the page and what I have written I am almost embarrassed. Almost, but not quite.

I know that we have all grown up believing lies, and that believing a lie can warp us in various ways. When an action is rooted in falsehood what will the outcome be if not warped?

I believed a lie. I have believed that my value as a person was partly derived from my ability to converse with someone without having breaks in a conversation because I could not think of something to say.

Where do we go from here?

I realize that at least a portion of my tendency to withdraw is rooted in my fear of the silence that sometimes occurs in normal conversations. Also I can begin rejecting the lie that my ability to converse smoothly has any relationship to my value as a person.

Retraining oneself to believe something new can be a slow process. I probably will have to tell myself the truth over and over, time after time before I truly believe and my fear goes away completely. In fact, I may not arrive. That is all right too.

There is no rush.

Life is a journey not a production.

So I'll just keep on keeping on.

I still have Parkinson's. Bummer.

I also have new ammunition for my struggle against withdrawl.

The truth.

LORD,

Thank you for healing that little part of me.

Thank you for caring so much you took time to show me the lie.