After the Hiatus: A New Message on the Way

        This above all: to thine own self be true,

        And it must follow, as the night the day

        Thou canst not then be false to any man

                         William Shakespeare, Hamlet (Act 1, Scene4)

     On a very cold March morning, I take a moment to say that after a brief hiatus, I will be sending a new message within the next week. Like all my messages, it seeks to expand understanding about connections, relationships, loss, grief and the work-of-grief. The title of this message is in the form of a question asked of me by many: "Is Everyone Who Dies a Loved One". This is not a rhetorical question: they want an answer! But the complexity of all things human does not lend itself to a simple yes or no answer.

    After a death occurs, self-reflection is always an integral aspect of the healing work-of-grief: the nature of the relationship influences the depth of the introspection. Every relationship develops within a relational dynamic and over time, a pattern of interaction is established characterizing on-going interaction. Every relational dynamic is unique in its unfolding and not every relationship fulfills the hope of its beginning. Because we can never know the nature of the relationship of others, how then do we refer to one who has died as we offer condolences?

     I have explicitly stated and in all of my communications, I talk about people with whom we are connected...never that frequently used phrase: "loved one". I learned a long time ago that this very common expression creates more pain than comfort for many. And since we know that words have the power to change our internal experience, it is important to attend to the expressions of sympathy that we choose.

     So, the topic of the message on its way is an especially sensitive one, for many reasons, not least of which is the long-held edict that "you do not speak ill of the dead". But perhaps, we might consider this respectful and time-honored bit of advice in light of Shakespeare's broader message--to honor the truth of your own experience. The truth of the wholeness of your experience is slowly revealed as you willingly, albeit reluctantly, engage the profound self-reflection--where the possibility for growth might be made actual.

In Conclusion

     In the message I send next week, I will present a brief general review of the significance of connection and relationship in the healing work-of-grief. Then,  I refer specifically to those who are in a "troubled relationship", now experiencing the pain of loss. How do they share this special kind of pain?

      Look for this message within the next week and meanwhile, think about this:

• Have you ever stood before an array of greeting cards trying to choose one with an appropriate expression of sympathy, finding that "On the Loss of your Loved One" didn't quite ring true?
• Have you been on the receiving end of this expression and asked yourself the question posed here?  

Until next time,

Barbara