Back in January, Mandy Len Catron wrote an essay in the Modern Love section of the New York Times online, called "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This" . She tells how she applied the "closeness-generating procedure" to replicate an experiment published back in 1997 by a group of psychologists. The experiment involved two strangers asking each other a series of increasingly personal and intimate questions; the goal was to "develop a temporary feeling of closeness".
You can read the details of both her article and the original research (see the links below) but the essence of Catron's story is that, for her, the combination of science and romance had a happy ending.... and went viral, with millions reading her tale. (One of the original pair of students also continued with a relationship, and eventually married).
In Catron's words:
"..... it's about what it means to bother to know someone, which is really a story about what it means to be known...
.....despite all this, I've begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be. Arthur Aron's study taught me that it's possible - simple, even - to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive.
You're probably wondering if he and I fell in love. Well, we did. Although it's hard to credit the study entirely (it may have happened anyway), the study did give us a way into a relationship that feels deliberate. We spent weeks in the intimate space we created that night, waiting to see what it could become.
Love didn't happen to us.
We're in love because we each made the choice to be."
The idea from the original research is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study's authors, "One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure." Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult; asking and answering the questions forces the issue.
Asking each other the questions, of course, isn't a direct replica of the original set up: You'll probably not ask them in a laboratory setting, your partner will probably not be a random stranger, and you don't suggest or agree to try an experiment designed to create increasing closeness if you're not open to that actually being possible.....
The questions can also be used for friendships.
So, here they are - the thirty six questions. (Less well documented is the final exercise of staring into one another's eyes for 4 minutes..) One of you reads out loud the question, both carry out the activity as described. And then you move on to the next question, with the other person reading.
In it's original form, pairs were asked to move on to the next set of questions after 15 minutes, so the total exercise took 45 minutes - but why not take as much time as you like?
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling ... "
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... "
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
You can visit
nytimes.com/36q on your phone or tablet to get the questions via a free mobile app (designed in consultation with the lead author of the original study.)
The research " The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings" was published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in 1997. It is available to read here as a pdf.
You can read Mandy Len Catron's story "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This" here
To read "36 Questions for Intimacy, Back Story", a follow-on article by one of the original authors click here
I