The challenge of communicating! How easy it is to get it wrong...
Of course, we all know it's a two way process- the messages we give out or send, and the messages we receive. Good communication skills can have a major effect on our job performance and on the quality of our relationships. We may have the ability to speak, but that doesn't mean we do it effectively. And having the ability to hear doesn't mean we are really listening to what someone is saying to us. The scope for communication "breakdowns" is enormous, especially in today's fast-paced, high-stress world.
We often have difficulty communicating what we want.
Asking for what you want is a powerful, empowering act that can have a marked ripple-effect through many areas of your life. While it may seem simple enough, four things need to be in place first:
1.You know what you want.
2.You fully believe you deserve it.
3.You are prepared to accept the answer "No."
4.You have the communication skills needed for an effective request.
What Do You Want?
Wants emerge from needs you are experiencing, for example: the need to be heard, the need for respect, expedience, intimacy. Knowing the need helps you be clear about what you are requesting. It's helpful to distinguish between needs that move us towards well-being and those that never really bring happiness, such as the desire for approval or to be right.
Believe You Deserve It
If you think you can't have what you want, take time to examine your limiting beliefs. Make a list of all the things you want, then write all the reasons you can't have them. Are these reasons really true? Have you made decisions about "reality" or made assumptions about others that keep you from even asking for what you want? When you ask people for what you want, you offer them the opportunity to contribute, something most of us wish to do.
Prepare for No
Asking for what you truly want respects your personal experience. You connect with yourself, and know where you stand. Having asked, it may no longer be so important that you get exactly what you want; the asking, itself, is empowering.
Effective Communication
It's often said, "The answer is always 'no' if you don't ask."
Asking can be more effective when you follow these "guidelines for effective communication":
1. State your need clearly, followed by your request.
2. Ask for what you want in the present (not "I wanted you to help me with X yesterday.")
3. Ask for what you do want, not what you don't want. ("I want you to spend time with me," not "I don't want you to be at work so much.")
4. Ask in the form of a request, rather than a demand.
5. Detach from the outcome.
Remember that empowerment comes in the asking. When you ask for what you want, you have planted not only the seeds of better communication, but of more clearly knowing who you are, as reflected in what you want.