* Mary loved to dance but she wouldn't go out on the dance floor because she thought she'd look clumsy and ridiculous.
* Jeff knew he deserved a raise, but he was so nervous about approaching his boss, he never asked for one.
* Carol's fear of risking something new was so great that she wouldn't go on a fun camping trip with her friends.
* And Sue (that's me) wanted to go try ice-hockey but didn't know anyone in the group and thought she would be too old.......
Fear is that nattering voice inside our heads that says, you can't, you shouldn't, what if.... Fear keeps us from taking risks that might enrich our life, or holds us back from doing some things we want or need to do. Experience new and exciting vistas? Accomplish something really great? Get involved with that new person or group? Fear says, "Not on your life" , "No way!"
It's not that fear is all bad. At its best it's an instinctive, natural ability to help us survive. Without fear we might attempt to stroll across busy roads or caress the agressive dog.... But given the upper hand, fear can dominate our life and turn even the innocuous into a daunting experience.
Ninety-nine percent of what we worry about never happens, according to Susan Jeffers, psychologist and author of the classic self-help book
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. "There's a voice inside our heads that's always heralding doom and disaster even before we get started on something," she says.
A bit like what happened to me. While at the ice-hockey match three weeks ago (I'm a big fan of Geneva Servette, our local team in the Swiss National League), I saw the adverts for the Just For Girls event that coming weekend. "A chance for girls 5-77 to experience the game", part of a campaign combatting gender bias in sport. Hmmm...
Reading about it woke up that part of me that often says (both to myself, and out loud to others) that I'd love to try it.
And then the chatter started :
"Well, it's for girls, not women-of-a-certain-age like me!"
"None of my friends will want to go and it will be no fun on my own"
"I won't know anyone else"
"It will be hard work as everything will be in French (rather than English)"
"I can't skate well enough"
"What if I'm the worst skater there and spoil it for everyone else"
I'm so glad I dropped the scary thinking, argued back, got out of my comfort zone, took the risk...and had a great time! Here I am on the ice with my gal pals...I won't be signing up for the league, but then that wasn't the idea!
Now, this may be a somewhat trivial example. But had I listened too long to my internal chatter, I would have missed out on heaps of fun. And I would STILL be wondering what it would be like to try it. I am chuffed I talked myself out the scary thoughts which could have stopped me grabbing the opportunity.
On its own, fear won't disappear. Here are some strategies to help deal with fears that might be holding YOU back from something you want or need to do:
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Get information. In an information void, fear clicks in to do what it thinks is its job. But when you find out about what scares you, you replace fear with knowledge.
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Learn how to do it. If there's something you'd like to do, but you're afraid to try, take lessons. There are many things that we're not born knowing how to do.
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Find models. Let someone who's not afraid model courage for you. Just as fearful behavior breeds the jitters, courageous behavior invites confidence.
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Talk about your fears. Keeping your fears bottled up inside magnifies them. Taking them out into the light can shrink them. Find a good listener who won't pooh-pooh your fears or make judgments.
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Talk to yourself. Self-talk filled with positive messages can change fear energy into positive energy. Eliminate the can'ts, shouldn'ts and ought-tos from your self-talk vocabulary.
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Use your imagination. Before you arrive at the party, imagine the other guests are as frightened as you are. Or see your audience as people who really want the information you have. Visualize yourself doing what you are afraid to do; see yourself as graceful, strong and capable.
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Focus on the little things. Keep your mind on the details, not the Big Picture. Complete the report word by word, pay the bills one by one, see the group individual by individual.
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Expand your comfort zone. Take a small risk each day. Make one phone call, ask for one thing you want, go to one new place. Little by little your confidence will expand, too.
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Relax and breathe. Sometimes the physical response to fear creates even more fear. Physically relax your body and breathe in and out to release tension.
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Ask for help. If your fears are pervasive and severe, you might want to seek professional help. If your fears are not debilitating, but still get in the way of doing what you need or want to do, asking for help can make all the difference.
