Recently I returned from an international trip where I stayed several days at a large hotel. The staff were extremely helpful and friendly but had a tendency to make sure I had an answer for every one of my questions... even when their answers were wrong. So much of my time was spent on a "wild goose chase" trying to find the truth and getting different answers from different people.

This frustrating situation made me think and wonder why many of us have a hard time admitting when we don't know an answer. So, why is this? I didn't know until I researched the concept and wrote this newsletter.

Great reading,

Diane

P.S. Welcome to my newest readers from the Minnesota Hospital Association and the Winona Chamber's Leadership Winona class. It was a pleasure meeting all of you in the last few weeks. Please scroll down to read my past newsletters.

         "Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of 'not knowing." 

                                                                                  Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves 

As an employee or boss, it can be difficult to show vulnerability and admit when we don't know an answer. Most of us have been conditioned from a young age to respond with an answer. Weren't we praised and rewarded in school for raising our hand quickly to blurt out a possible answer to a question? Aren't game show contestants rewarded for hitting a button quickly to respond to questions? Don't we look impressive in meetings when we seem to have the answers at our fingertips?

I believe many of us provide answers to questions we don't know to be helpful, to "save face" or we don't realize we are creating more harm than good. Numerous cultures have a great need to "save face" which means "to say or do something that will keep you from being embarrassed or humiliated." In other words, to "save your reputation". I can understand how this is important for most of us when we are trying to impress a co-worker or boss but often this backfires by giving advice that causes pain or more work to the person receiving it?

So, what can you do if you have a tendency to react quickly with an answer that you know may not be true or helpful?

• Before responding to a question you are unsure of, take a deep breath and pause

• Ask yourself if the information you are about to provide in answering the question has any validity and would greatly help the one asking

• Use qualifying statements like, "I am not sure this is correct but I would try......" or "I tried this in the past and it helped, but please check with _____to make sure nothing has changed."

• If you really do not have any idea just say the phrase, "I don't know."

• If you have the time and resources to find the answer, use the phrase, "I don't know but I will work hard to find the answer by _____."

• Practice saying these three words, "I don't know" in your bathroom mirror or as you drive to work in the morning. With practice will come the confidence to know you are ready to be vulnerable when the moment arrives.

Question for You:

Do you often feel the need to have an answer when you are unsure? Are you comfortable making up information to help someone even if you have no idea of its validity? Would you feel more humiliated saying, "I don't know" versus making up information?

Action for You:

When someone asks you a question of which you are unsure, take a deep breath and pause. In this short time of reflecting, allow yourself to feel the security of responding with, "I don't know." Be ready for some to be upset by your response but also feel the integrity of knowing that your response is your truth. If you have the time to help someone find the information they need then a better response would be, "I don't know but I will work hard to get you an answer by _____."

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
...live in the question."