"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they'll destroy me."
Cassandra Giovanni, Just One Cup
I am always on the hunt for ways to improve my communication with others. Recently, I came across a book by Patricia Evans called Verbally Abusive Relationships that explains what it means to be verbally abusive. My first thoughts were, "Wow, verbally abusive is a strong word and not one I would want to use on myself." I know that I don't call people names or put them down directly. I don't yell at others, get in their space and shake my finger at them. What I didn't know, something much more subtle, was the way I described others was actually a form of verbal abuse....let me explain.
Verbal abuse occurs anytime a person tries to define another person. Let me give you a few examples (see if you have used any of these):
"You're too sensitive."
"You're always late."
"He just wants attention."
"You're attacking me."
"She is high maintenance."
"She just wants to get ahead."
The reason these are abusive statements is because we are implying that we know exactly how they think and feel. We cannot and never will be able to think for them as we are not them. There is no way to be inside someone and speak for them. Each person is separate from us.
Another form of abusive behavior...luckily I don't have this one.... is walking away when someone is speaking. When you do this, you are saying to the other person, "You aren't there." It is okay to walk away and give yourself a time out if you are going to say something you will regret, you just need to let the other person know you need time and you will come back to finish the conversation once you have cooled down.
According to Patricia Evans, these are the phrases we need to stop saying immediately:
You are.....
You're doing this....
You're not doing this....
You must......
You should.......
You are trying to.....
You feel.....
You know....
You don't know......
You need.....
You think......
You want....
You have.....
You take things....
Your perception...
So, what should we say instead? What if we have a friend, family member, co-worker or subordinate who is not living up to our expectations? We need to become curious and ask why the behavior is happening using "I" statements. For instance:
Abusive: "You are always late."
Nonabusive: "I noticed you have been late quite often this past week, what is going on that keeps you from being on time?"
Abusive: "You don't know how to finish your reports on time."
Nonabusive: You have told me in the past that you don't like detail work, how can I help you finish your detail work more accurately?"
Abusive: "You are trying to ruin my reputation."
Nonabusive: "I am hurt when you talk behind my back, what is going on?
I realize in a work setting that the boss needs to set clear expectations, so if an employee continues to be late or inaccurate in their work, a consequence such as termination may occur.
Question for You:
Do you tend to define others by using the phrases above at work or at home? Are you unaware of when this is happening?
Action for You:
Give others in your life, who hear you speak the defining words above, permission to stop you and ask what you mean by your statement. This will give you the awareness you need to stop using these phrases and time to rephrase your statement so it is less abusive.
"Caring for but never trying to own may be a further way to define friendship."
William Glasser
