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4 Signs You're A Schmoozer
"The currency of networking is not greed but generosity."
Keith Ferazzi
Networking. The word conjure images of either making great connections or having to schmooze with others. I define the word schmoozing as forcing oneself on others to try and make a favorable impression for personal gain. Isn't it amazing how we can see others shortcomings much easier than we can find our own? In other words, we can spot a schmoozer a mile away but are blinded to our own schmoozing. So how do you make sure you are connecting authentically with others? Let's first identify the 4 signs you are a schmoozer:
- You are only looking for people to connect with that can help you gain more business or a job
- While meeting someone new, you quickly decide whether they can help you, and if not, you scour the room for someone who can
- Your goal is to be seen with people who have perceived power so that you are perceived as more powerful
- You are interested in taking more than giving
If you see yourself in any of these descriptors while networking, it is okay, help is on the way.
Let's start by first defining networking. According to Webster's networking is the cultivation of productive relationships for employment or business. It sounds so clinical...doesn't it? What if we looked at networking as the ability to connect authentically with others? Sometimes we may gain employment or grow our business but what if our connecting is meant to only be of service? I realize you may not want a relationship where you are always giving but what if we are meant at times to only give? At a recent workshop I conducted, I recited what I believe are four universal truths to connecting authentically with others:
- "Tell Me More" These three words have the ability to change a conversation from one of "self -focus" or schmoozing to "other-focus" in a heartbeat. How many times have you been asked to tell others more about yourself or what you were thinking? You know when you hear these three powerful words that the other person is truly, authentically interested in what you have to say. I find the words refreshing and rarely spoken.
- Health, Wealth and Children. While connecting with others for the first time or meeting them multiple times, these three areas of their life are always open for suggestions. By listening intently to them and asking questions for deeper understanding, you will uncover ways to help with their children, health and/or wealth and they will be forever thankful.
- Stop Keeping Score. I am an expert in this category. Do any of you keep track of Christmas cards you send and receive each year only to delete those that aren't keep up? This is one example of keeping score. Networking requires you to give and give often without knowing when or if you will receive anything back. In other words, this requires a leap of faith, but I know that the universe will return your kindness tenfold in ways you never imagined.
- "We Should Meet" I need to thank author and trainer Stephen Schiffman for his wisdom with these three words. While connecting with others, there comes a time when you realize the person you are speaking with could help you personally or professionally. Now this may sound like a schmoozing statement, and it is when you have not earned the right to use it. Only after you have completed the first three steps listed above are you entitled to ask this question. As humans, we tend to respond in-kind when asked a question or given a command. Think about the last time someone said something cruel to you. Wasn't your natural response to respond in-kind with a cruel comment or action? When someone says these three words, you have a great inclination to agree with the statement and agree to meet the person who speaks them. The key to using this phrase is having a day and time in mind so the other person can agree with meeting you on the proposed date or only disagree with the proposed meeting date and time. Be careful and don't overthink this one...sometimes you just need to take action and try it without over-analyzing it.
Question for You:
Do you associate networking with schmoozing? Do you want to connect more authentically with others while leaving a positive, lasting impression? Do you find yourself taking more than giving in relationships? Do you wonder how to quickly make an impact when speaking with others?
Action for You:
Consider trying the four tips listed above in any conversational setting. Be so interested in what someone is saying that you ask them to "Tell me more" for deeper understanding. Find ways to help others with their health, wealth and/or children. Stop being a scorekeeper when giving, and finally, stay in touch with those that matter by using the other three magical words, "We should meet."
"If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go with others."
African proverb
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