"We know from our experience that it is easier to develop trust in another person or in a group if we believe that we can disagree, and we will not be abandoned or hurt for our differences. It is difficult to trust those who deny us the right to be ourselves."
Susan Wheelan
Tanya was so excited to start her new job. She knew she had the skills to excel in this position and she connected well with her new boss, Marie. Quickly, Marie and Tanya found that they liked each other because they had so much in common as both owned dogs, loved practicing yoga and creating new gourmet foods on the weekends.
So, it didn't seem right for Tanya to say anything when Marie continued to pile new work on her desk each day because Tanya was just so happy to have a good paying job. Tanya continued to remind herself how lucky she was to work for such a kind boss when Marie never showed her how to do new tasks, but rather expected Tanya to figure it out on her own. Tanya kept telling herself that she liked a "hands-off" boss much better than a micromanaging boss.
As a matter of fact, when Tanya had reached the eighteen month mark with her boss, she felt she could read Maries' mind and didn't really have to do exactly as Marie said because Marie never got mad in the past when Tanya handled situations in her own way, even if they conflicted with how Marie wanted something done.
Then, one day, it happened.... Marie blew up at Tanya. She claimed that Tanya did not listen to her but rather did things her own way. Marie felt Tanya never worked on what was most important but rather what she enjoyed doing. Also, Tanya fired back that Marie never trained her the way she wanted things done and kept piling on the work without mentioning deadlines or priorities.
Time stood still for both of them as they realized what they had said to each other and wondered if the working relationship was over.
This scenario is all too common between bosses and employees when someone is new to managing, there is a desire to create a friendship instead of a work relationship, and therefore, constructive feedback is non-existent.
So, how can they repair this working relationship without going their separate ways?
Marie, the boss needs to understand:
- You cannot be best friends with your employees
- A boundary of boss/subordinate needs to be maintained so that objective decisions can be made regarding Tanya's work performance
- Marie needs to read, learn and participate in experiences that will make her an effective manager as much as she attends, learns and improves on the technical aspects of her job
- She needs to give the right blend of direction and support as Tanya learns to master new tasks, being specific on what tasks take priority and what a good finished project looks like
- She needs to give consistent, frequent feedback to her subordinates and not wait eighteen months until something goes wrong
Tanya, the employee needs to understand:
- That if her boss is new to managing, or not sure of herself, she needs to manage her boss by asking for prioritization of tasks. Every time a new task is added, ask which ones are now the priority and which go to the bottom of the task pile
- When given direction by her boss or assigned new tasks, she needs to get clear on expectations and affirm if there is any leeway in how the task is performed as long as the outcomes is reached
- She needs to ask for feedback after every new task is being assigned. Also, she needs to ask for formal evaluations at a minimum twice a year
Because Tanya and Marie worked together so closely over such a long time, they will naturally want to maintain a friendly relationship but taking that too far without maintaining working boundaries will often end up in broken work relationships and hurt feelings.
Question for You:
As a boss, do you consider your employees your close friends? When was the last time you provided direct feedback on their performance? As an employee, are you afraid to confront your boss with questions of priority and performance,for fear that you will lose the "friendly" atmosphere at work?
Action for You:
As a boss, begin to focus more of your conversations around work objectives and performance versus trying to make your employees like you all the time. If you are questioning one of your employee's work performance nip it now versus waiting until one small mistake makes you blow up. As an employee, don't wait for the confrontation to escalate if there are questions you have about your work but you are too afraid to disturb the nice relationship you have.
"Creativity comes from a conflict of ideas."
Donatella Versace
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