"The usual fortune of complaint is to excite contempt more than pity."
Samuel Johnson (1709-1784, English author)
When life throws us a curve ball and we are living with pain, it is natural to want to share how we are feeling with anyone that will listen. From illness to divorce to financial set backs, we all experience pain as part of living. So, why do some people have a black cloud of problems always hovering over them and why are they so focused on continually sharing them with others?
- What they focus on expands. When legitimate illnesses or problems arise, they focus on them exclusively and train themselves to see more problems as a result
- They are unaware of the cycle of negativity that has begun and therefore do not know its impact
- They do not know how to stop the cycle
So, why do they feel compelled to share them with others so often?
- Misery loves company. By sharing your stories of pain, it encourages others to share their 's as well which may build rapport
- Draws attention to themselves for increased empathy
- They do not know what else to talk about that would be as interesting
Years ago, I wish someone would have pointed this out to me, but then again, I may not have been ready or willing to hear the message. If you find you are this person try these tips to begin to change what you talk about:
- Become aware of how you are conversing at work. Are most of your stories about you and your struggles? Are you chronically talking negatively about your health, financial situation, spouse or family members?
- Begin to see what is good or right about your life and start to share it with others
- Compliment your co-workers or boss on what they are doing well
- Look for stories in the news that are positive that you might share at work
What if you supervise someone like this?
- The first few times problems are brought up, truly listen and empathize with their situation
- Offer an employee assistance plan (EAP) if your organization has one for problems with family, spouse, etc.
- If the problem is impacting the employee's ability to perform the essential functions of their job, make certain you are aware of the American's with Disabilities Act which will show you ways to offer accommodation if the problem persists
- If accommodations have been offered and the employee is performing the work but with a negative attitude this becomes a behavioral issue that should be addressed by giving feedback and coaching
- If the behavior persists, termination may be the best option as if it is negatively impacting the productivity of others
Question for You:
When you read my opening paragraph, did you recognize yourself as the office "downer"? Do you find the best way to communicate with co-workers is with stories of despair or "woe is me"? Are you supervising someone at work that drags yourself and others down by their chronic complaining?
Action for You:
Become aware of the topics of most of your conversations and stop the negativity immediately. This does not mean you no longer share problems in your life but they must be in balance with the blessings in your life. If you are supervising someone like this, follow the steps listed above, and if the problem persists, consult your employee handbook, HR department or attorney if you have disability or termination concerns.
"Don't find fault, find a remedy; anybody can complain."
Henry Ford (1863-1947, American founder of the Ford Motor Company)
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