"Never ruin an apology with an excuse."
Benjamin Franklin
When people work side by side in a department or company for many years, there are bound to be times when co-workers and bosses are offended by the actions or words of others in their area. Often times, we assume a quick apology will make amends and the relationship can be saved. However, according to Dr. Gary Chapman and his book, When Sorry Isn't Enough there are five different ways to apologize and the more you use these five ways, the chances are higher your apology will be accepted and the relationship repaired. So, what are these five apology languages?
- Accepting responsibility- if the offended prefers this apology language, they are expecting you to say, "I was wrong", which clearly shows you accept the responsibility for the offense
- Repentance- if the offended prefers this apology language, they are expecting the following statement, "I will do my best to make sure this does not happen again!" "I plan on doing the following three things to make certain I don't do it again". "Is there anything I should add?"
- Showing regret-if the offended prefers this apology language, they are expecting you to say, "I am so sorry for what I did to you...it was selfish of me to say those things and I know I hurt you deeply."
- Asking to be forgiven- if the offended prefers this apology language, they must hear from you, "Will you forgive me?"
- Making restitution- if the offended prefers this apology language, they may want to hear from you, "How can I make it up to you?"
So, how do you know the apology language of the one you offended? Should you have each one take a test before you offend them? Of course this is impractical but you could start by understanding what type of apology you prefer. When I first saw these five types of apologies, I gravitated towards having my offender use repentance. In other words, words do not mean that much to me but action does. When my co-workers are late on a deadline that impacts me, I want to know how they will prevent it from happening again and I want them to show regret.
Many of us may prefer multiple types of apologies and so it can be difficult to pinpoint just one or two. A hint they may provide for you would be how they apologize. If they say upfront, "I was wrong", this often means they would like the same apology in return. Or if they usually ask how they can make it up to you, they would most likely prefer an apology of restitution. We tend to lead our apologies with the way we want to be treated.Even with this important clue, I still believe you can successfully incorporate all the apology languages into one statement as follows:
"I am so sorry for my behavior the other day. I was wrong in how I handled myself (accepting responsibility). I know my actions caused you great distress and I wish I could undo what I said (showing regret) and I am going to make a concerted effort to watch how I react in these situations in the future (repentance). As a matter of fact, I have asked others to alert me when I begin to get angry in my communication (further repentance). Will you forgive me? (Asking for forgiveness). How might I make this up to you?" (Making restitution.)
Question for You:
Do you have difficulty saying I am sorry in a meaningful way? Do you find others are not fully accepting your apology? Do you find your co-workers, boss, friends or family members' apologies lacking sincerity?
Action for You:
Begin to observe how you prefer to receive apologies. Do one of the five apology languages resonate more with you than others? Observe how others apologize because often they are telling you what they prefer to receive in an apology. The best way to make certain your apology is received and accepted is to incorporate as many of the five apology languages as possible into your apology. Often times, writing your apology will help you cover all the bases and build up your confidence in trying something new.
" I'm sorry.' The two most inadequate words in the English language."
Beth Revis, A Million Suns
