"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands."
Anne Frank
Twenty-two year old Janet had just finished her four year degree and was ready to set the work world on fire. She applied for interviews on campus but was never chosen. She scanned the online job boards, met with her career counselor, improved her LinkedIn profile and made sure that her online reputation was solid, but there were no job openings in her field. Her next month's rent was due in a few weeks and soon her student loan payments would start. Her thoughts began to turn towards home and how she would need to move back with her mom and dad, known as boomeranging, to support herself until she could figure out what to do next.
This is an all too common problem with Generation Y (those in their twenties); the most educated of any previous generation but facing a double digit unemployment rate. Large student loans coupled with job scarcity or underemployment is creating this economic need of returning home to live with their parents in record numbers. According to Trulia, an online residential real estate site, 44% of those 18-34 years old without jobs are living at home and 25% of those with jobs in this age bracket are living at home.
In a recent workshop I conducted a participant asked what was wrong with having your children return home to live with us when so many other countries find this acceptable. My initial reaction to this question was that our western culture seems to worship independence. The image of John Wayne making his way alone in a vast frontier seems to be our preference or the hero that finds his own way. Being dependent may be seen as being weak. In Mediterranean cultures, the parents expect the children to live with them until they are married with their own children. Often the price of housing prohibits young adults from finding their own homes in these cultures.
So what other reasons may cause our culture to rebel against the boomerang children of this generation returning home?
- Delays their development. As children return home and become dependent on parents for their livelihood, this may delay their entering adulthood. The milestones that we accept as adulthood, i.e., getting a job, buying a home, getting married and having children continues to be pushed further back with marriage in the late 20's and child rearing in their 30's. The flip side of this coin is the continued enabling of parents who are overinvolved in their children's lives, i.e., helicopter parents who need- to- be- needed will continue to take control in many areas of their young adult child's life.
- Boomer- aged parents lose their freedom to become focused on themselves as a couple. When a child returns home the parents often focus time and energy on the child's needs and lose sight of the rekindled relationship of the couple during the "empty nest" period. Besides, the Boomer generation would have never considered moving back home to the rules of their parents once they completed school so they expect Gen Y to act the same.
- Financial burden of parents. While many returning children will help pay for a portion of their expenses, sharing of bathrooms, cars and food can put a strain on the parent's wallet and the relationship.
So, what may need to be in place before you accept that young adult back home?
- An exit strategy. What is the purpose for them returning home and what is their strategy for leaving?
- Clear expectations on paying a portion of expenses and abiding by the rules of the home, i.e., sharing chores, visitors, etc.
- Continue their development. Make certain you are not doing things they can do on their own, i.e., prepare for income taxes, making meals, buying groceries.
Question for You:
Do you have a child who has moved back home or do you anticipate a child will need to move back home? Are you a young adult contemplating a move back home for economic reasons?
Answer for You:
Maybe the current living relationship is going well, but for those that anticipate conflict, creating a strategy for independence may be the solution. Before the child moves home, there needs to be a plan for how they will find a good paying job, begin to make student loan payments and find a suitable place to live. They may need to pay for some portion of their living expenses while in your home and abide by the rules you set forth, i.e., chores, etc.
"When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind."
Patrick Rothfuss
