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"Being vulnerable is our most accurate measure of courage."

Dr. Brene Brown

Why am I so fascinated with this subject of vulnerability and leadership? Probably because I am not good at being vulnerable! Being vulnerable is an uncomfortable, scary, messy place to be. What if you are rejected in that uncomfortable moment? What if you lay yourself out to others and they walk all over you? I guess this is why it takes so much courage to be vulnerable.

Recently, I was able to hear Dr. Brene Brown speak on this subject. She has spent years as a social scientist studying one of our most fundamental needs... connecting with others. I want to share the nuggets of wisdom I found most profound from her presentation:

• Many of us when asked, "What do want to do in your life?" answer with, "Help others." Dr. Brown makes an insightful point about this.....

"If you are unable to ask for help without self-judging then all you are doing when you help others is judging them."  

I really thought long and hard about this point and believe it to be true. How many times have we reached out to help others but fail to find the courage to reach out to ask for help ourselves?

• There are five types of armor that we put up around ourselves that keeps us from being vulnerable:

• Perfectionism -If I look perfect, I can avoid blame and criticism. Perfectionism is what "others will think of you" or attaching your self-worth to what others think of you. While healthy striving for excellence is internally focused on giving your best.

• Numbing-Using food, drugs, gossip, social media, etc to avoid the truth of your own short-comings or a painful experience(s)

• Foreboding Joy-This involves dress rehearsing for tragedy. When you do not feel worthy of your success and good fortune, you start to see what may go wrong because you believe the good can't last. This is the time to practice gratitude instead of feeling potential doom and gloom

• Cynicism or Criticism- If we spend our time finding fault with other people and their ideas, we do not have to take a risk and contribute our own ideas

• Cool-This is a sister to perfectionism. We do not want to do anything that makes us appear "out of control" so we contain our true emotions.  Give yourself permission to let go and show your excitement or disappointment at something that is important to you.

•  Being vulnerable does not mean sharing our innermost difficulties with someone in the first few moments of meeting them. Rather, we share with people that have earned the right to hear our story. This may or may not be your boss, direct reports or co-workers. They have earned the right if they can listen with empathy and not show any of the armor listed above.

Question for You:

Do you find it hard to let others really know you as a leader or co-worker in the workplace? Do find it difficult to connect with others at work or home?

Action for You:

Start small. As a leader, show one of your imperfections or share a time when you were unsure of yourself, scared or alone. Or, let yourself get excited about something without caring how others will think. Or, ask someone for help without criticizing yourself for how you might appear.