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How To Respond to Criticism
"Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing."
Aristotle
A few years ago I was introduced to the concept of responding "in kind". I didn't really understand what this meant initially until I began to observe my own behavior. If I was at a retail store counter and the cashier was rude to me, I would respond back with short, rude answers. If a waitress was irritated by one of my menu questions, I would be irritated with her irritation. I also found it worked in reverse. If a family member was especially kind towards me by making a meal, I was instantly thinking of a way to return the favor. If a store clerk went above and beyond in their service to me, I would quickly look for something I liked about them so I could compliment them and show my appreciation.
So, why do we respond in kind? It may have something to do with that part of our mind called the ego. In Freud's terms the ego is always trying to balance how we react to the external world. In other words, it helps us with self-preservation. When someone cuts us off in traffic, the ego makes sure we don't run them down and kill them as that would not help us preserve ourselves. But rather, the ego finds a more rational response....like cutting them off when we get the chance ....or responding in kind.
I want to propose an even higher level of emotional control when responding to criticism. And that response would be appreciation. Now, I know right now you are thinking I am crazy. How does one move from responding in kind to responding with appreciation? Slowly over time is my response. You see, with most criticisms, there is a kernel of truth that can help us grow and learn. It is just so hard to see it through the emotions of our primitive brains. If I could demonstrate the perfect, adult response to "You really have a lead foot and should slow down", it would be to gain clarification, if necessary, and to thank them for the reminder.
Let's look at these two responses more closely:
- Ask for clarification. In most cases you will not need to peel the onion back because the critique will be obvious, but sometimes you will. For instance, if someone says you are a poor communicator, it may be helpful for you to find out more details about how you communicate ineffectively.
- See the critique as a gift and thank them for the reminder. Most of us already know our faults so others are really only reminding us of them. By taking a deep breath, you are quieting the primitive brain and allowing the higher thinking brain to take over and thank someone that just gave you a gift.
I realize that what I am asking is extremely difficult to put into practice but what if you tried it just once a week? What if your co-workers, boss, or better yet, children saw you take this new approach? I think they would be impressed. It takes a great deal of humility and strength to look at criticisms as a gift.
Question for You:
Do you find yourself reacting defensively to criticism from others? Do you quickly try to point out what is wrong with them or to react in kind?
Action for You:
Try to gain clarity on the criticism, take a deep breath and see the critique as a gift by saying "thank you". When the emotion has subsided, there may be a great learning lesson that will reveal itself in the form of a gift.
"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism."
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