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3 Steps to Avoid Overreacting
"The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue." ~Antisthenes
As business leaders, we could learn a lot about effective communication from the world of counseling. In fact, I recently learned of another psychology concept called cognitive dissonance theory. This theory states that we have a drive to hold all our attitudes and beliefs in harmony and avoid disharmony or dissonance. In the case of conflict, we often do everything in our power to hold onto beliefs that someone is never going to change their negative behavior.
In other words, we look for ways to support our beliefs and choose to not see those actions that may be against our beliefs. Let me give you an example. While coaching an executive a few years ago to become a better listener, by eliminating his need to interrupt others, his team members did not think he was capable of change. It seemed as if they took great pleasure in finding examples of his interrupting behavior while totally ignoring the five meetings when he never did interrupt a team member. It took the executive's reminding them of those five meetings before they could acknowledge the truth in the executive's words.
So, how can we learn to unwire this part of the brain that continually wants balance by assuming the worst of someone that is trying to change a poor behavior? I enjoyed reading about three suggestions from a book titled, 12 Hours to a Great Marriage by Markman, Stanley, Blumberg, Jenkins and Whiteley:
- Ask yourself if you might be seeing some of your co-worker's, boss' or subordinate's actions in an overly negative light
- Force yourself to look for evidence that goes against your negative interpretations
- Be a relationship optimist
I am not implying that you blindly assume that someone is getting better about an annoying behavior, but rather, asking you to try these three tips when you know someone is aware of the behavior and is consciously working to change the behavior. Of course this works beautifully with your spouse, children and significant other as well.
Question for You:
Do you find yourself overreacting to someone that you believe is incapable of changing a behavior because your past filters have shown them incapable?
Action for You:
By being optimistic about the relationship, watching your filters and forcing yourself to go against those filters in search of evidence that you may be wrong, you will be better able to quiet your need to overreact to others at work and home.
I don't think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday. ~Abraham Lincoln | 
